From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
He's back
Yep. George W. Bush, having spent the midterms in GOP-imposed exile, has returned to bask in the adoration of the starry-eyed, tingle-up-the-leg media. Not in any kind of statesman or humanitarian role, but as a book hawker. All the reason we need to revisit his….
ODE TO ME
God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear.
Eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three---three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?
Except when yer marchin' to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when yer thinkin' yer goin' to war.
We spent a lot of time talkin' about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
Budget numbers are not just estimates; these are actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the thirtieth.
Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as bein' against things. Anti-immigrant, for example.
See, in my line 'o work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in...to kinda catapult the propaganda.
Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.
Thank ya.
No one asked any Republican candidates in the midterm debates if they voted for the war criminal. Curious, dat.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Note: C&J is now taking pre-orders for the deluxe edition of today's column, which contains exclusive adjectives from Bill in Portland Maine's personal collection, plus real peanut butter and jelly smudges and a certificate of authenticity. To order yours, please send a new Mercedes convertible to his house, along with $5.95 to cover postage and handling. Please allow 4-6 weeks for shipping. Money back if you're not delighted. But we get to keep the Mercedes.
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9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Hanukkah starts:
34
Days 'til the
Colorado River Crossing Balloon Festival:
9
Number of kids who have ended up in the hospital with eye burns or internal poisoning because they thought those laundry detergent "pods" were toys or candy:
700
Number of calls to poison control centers about the pods:
17,000
(Source: AP)
Date by which the U.S. and Iran need to have a deal stemming from their nuclear talks:
11/24/14
Percent of U.S. counties in which racial minorities have grown:
94%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Age of Eleanor Cunningham when she
went skydiving on her birthday Saturday:
100
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 web page called Bad Art of The Rapture). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: All about the mysterious dew claw
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CHEERS to something that looks really awesome on a resume. Using a Dixie cup attached to a string extending from China to the White House, President Obama announced the 2014 Medal of Freedom recipients yesterday. The awards are given out for "An especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors." This year's batch (actually the technical term is "swarm") includes:
Fair warning, recipients: Obama
WILL try to strangle you!
Dancer/Chroeographer Alvin Ailey (posthumous)…author Isabel Allende... Tom Brokaw… Slain civil rights activists James Chaney, Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner (posthumous)…scientist Mildred Dresselhaus…Congressman John Dingell…
Ethel Kennedy…Native American writer/activist Suzan Harjo…Congressman/Judge Abner Mikva…Hawai'i Congresswoman Patsy Takemoto Mink (posthumous)...Mexican-American Congressman Edward Roybal (posthumous)…Pro golfer Charles Sifford…economist Robert Solow…Stephen Sondheim…Meryl Streep…Marlo Thomas…and Stevie Wonder
Each honoree gets the medal, a ribbon, a tie clip, and a
Voltron-3000 Throbbing Orb of Omnipotence. We trust they'll use their power wisely.
JEERS to Reaganomics: Kansas-style. So what you do is, you cut taxes for the rich, see? And then…it all trickles down:
"Relax, people. We're
only in debt up to here."
Kansas will collect $1 billion less in revenue in 2015 and 2016 than its projected expenses following massive income tax cuts signed into law by Republican Gov. Sam Brownback. The new revenue estimates released Monday revealed that Kansas would burn through about $380 million in reserves and still need to cut $280 million to balance its current budget for fiscal year 2015, which ends next June 30. The problem continues in 2016 when revenues are projected to run $436 million short of expenditures, the estimates show. […] Critics worry that schools, roads and social services will be among the areas cut in coming months.
Supporters of the Brownback tax cuts have argued that any decline in revenues caused by the tax cuts would eventually be offset with the economic growth they were intended to stimulate.
Clap louder, kids. Clap louder.
CHEERS to cool science. In just a few hours, the Rosetta probe is going to park its butt on a comet named Churyumov-Gerasimenko Gesundheit, the cosmic equivalent, I guess, of a bullet hitting a bullet. And then it'll...
"Hey probe, could you at least
buy a comet a drink first?"
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…fire two harpoons into the comet's surface in order to anchor itself, as it will be without the aid of gravity to keep it in place. For the next part of its mission, the lander will drill down 8 inches into the comet's surface to take samples, and use its on-board laboratory to determine those samples' chemical properties and physical makeup. […]
If all goes according to plan, not only will scientists receive the first direct measurements from inside a comet, but we will all be able to enjoy the first images taken from a comet's surface (which promise to be even more striking than the amazing images we've already received).
We'll be keeping a close eye on the cold, lifeless mass hurtling through space where nothing ever happens and if you spend too much time there without supplemental oxygen you'll die. But in addition to the return of Congress, we'll also be watching the probe land on that comet.
CHEERS to Groundhog Day: Midterm Elections Edition. Time to play a game of "Guess When He Said That?" All you have to do is guess when our special guest said what we're about to show you him saying. (Grammarians: have fun with that last sentence.) So tell us what important lesson we can take away from the midterms, special guest:
Scott Rasmussen has a sobering message for Republicans in the wake of their election victories last week. “This is a fundamental rejection of both political parties,” said the pollster who founded Rasmussen Reports. “For the Republicans who are looking to celebrate, it’s really important for them to remember, they didn’t win. The other team lost.” Voters’ cynicism remains high, he said.
If you said after the 2014 midterms, you guessed…
poorly. But if you said he said it after the 2010 midterms, give yourself a pat on the fanny. And thanks for playing!
CHEERS to letters from the BiPM mailbag. Just sent via Camel Express:
Dear Saudi Arabia,
Hello! How are you? I am fine. The leaves are falling like crazy here. I know you don’t have leaves over there so just picture it like a sandstorm where each grain of sand is the size of a leaf. Good luck raking all that Ha Ha!
Me taking notes. I hid behind a
bush so as not to arouse suspicion.
I'm writing to comment about your advisory council's recent suggestion that you might be open to allowing women to drive the "automobile" in your land. As I understand it, women are not permitted to get behind the wheel because your Muslim clerics insist it will spread "licentiousness" across the land.
At first I was supportive of this. But then I conducted an experiment here in my country, whereby I stood next to a busy street for several hours with a clipboard, noting the behavior of our women drivers. All I can say is, I have never seen so much licentiousness-in-motion in my life. Some women even go so far as to put yellow suction-cup signs in their rear windows that proudly proclaim: "Licentiousness On Board."
In light of this new data, I urge you to reconsider. Whatever you decide, we hope the "road" to your final ruling doesn't "drive" you crazy. Ha Ha!
Sincerely,
SINO (Sultan-in-Name-Only) Billy in Portland
Crisis averted.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 12, 2009
CHEERS to prezzy pep talks. Mr. Bill Clinton done gone to Washington yesterday, where he delivered a stirring and thoughtful message to senators as they hammer out a new health care bill:
"Pass anything! Anything at all! Pass it with a glue-sniffing amendment! Pass it with a gazillion-dollar surcharge on tongue depressors! Pass it with a provision that says people have to store medical waste under their beds! I don’t care what the hell is in that sucker but for God's sake pass something! Now Now Now! Aaaaahhhhhh!!!"
And then he quietly sat in a corner and played with blocks. Post-presidencies are hell.
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And just one more…
JEERS to mostly sunny skies with a chance of whale blubber showers. Ever wonder why no one blows up dead whales anymore? Great question! On November 12, 1970, the Oregon Highway Division, which apparently controls what goes on down at the shoreline too, thought they could get rid of a rotting beached whale by "vaporizing it" with dynamite and turning it into bite-size snacks for the local wildlife to feast on. But it didn’t quite turn out that way. This is the play-by-play of the "exploding whale incident":
Join us next week when we'll explain why they don’t do turkey drops anymore, either. Ain't lurnin' a kick.
Have an unctuous Wednesday, you genius whose every utterance is brilliant and taste in everything impeccable. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
This week, residents in Westminster, a small town in northern Massachusetts, will have a chance to weigh in about a bill that, if enacted, will issue the first ban on Cheers and Jeers---including Swoosh!, Gong!, and RIGHTNOW!---in the country.
---Think Progress
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