From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
For Rent: Vintage 1964 Soul. Slightly Compromised. A Bit Gassy.
Yep, it's that time again. Your contract on my soul has expired. I am in full control of roughly 75 percent of it at the moment, and that number is growing by the hour. Time to re-up for another year of Cheers and Jeers before it's too late. Before…the Reckoning. (For details, read the part of your contract on page 329 that smells like sulfur.)
Buy a piece of my soul and I will
also lead you with rainbows to
many fine retail establishments.
For those of you don’t know the story: seven years ago I
got fired over the phone by parted ways amicably with my former employer after 14 years. At that time I'd been writing C&J as a hobby, mainly to maintain my sanity during the Bush years. In a turn of events as generous as it was unexpected, the Daily Kos community blogswarmed, took up a collection and, in "Keyboard Kingpin" Kos's immortally-evil words, "bought my soul."
Every year since then you've allowed me to continue writing this column full-time because of your financial support. For that I thank you from the bottom of my cubicle, which is situated at the precise midway point between the kitchen and the
bathroom. (Yes, I can both grab a beer and take a leak without getting up from my chair, and for that I'd like to thank my personal Feng Shui consultant from the bottom of my Super Big Gulp.)
If you're in the mood to keep C&J going for another year, I'd be honored to slip a fresh diaper on my head and fresh ink ribbons in my 50 monkeys' typewriters.
Seven years ago Kos set up PayPal accounts for both one-time donations and recurring monthly donations. The monthly subscriptions are hugely helpful for minimizing the total needed during this annual "pledge week," and I can't thank you enough for supporting C&J throughout the year:
One time contribution: click here.
$5 monthly contribution: click here
$10 monthly contribution: click here
$20 monthly contribution: click here
To send a donation via snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
And you'll be helping
me pay for my lawsuit
against these jerks.
If you're already a C&J monthly subscriber through PayPal and you want to continue, you don’t have to do anything but feel good about your investment.
Please note that your chunk of Billeh Soul will arrive via UPS, vacuum-packed in dry ice and bound in banana leaves. Because we're dealing with otherworldly forces, both the package and the UPS truck will be invisible to the naked eye. But you'll definitely hear the doorbell when it arrives. (Pay no attention if you see someone who looks like me ditching the scene after you hear the ding-dong---it's just a coincidence and dammit we've got to catch that guy.)
In all sincerity, thank you for supporting this weird little column. Writing it for you every day is a terrifyingly pleasurable experience.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 17, 2014
Note: I fell off the turnip truck yesterday. So today I am open to any and all offers from bamboozlers. Please have a seat and wait 'til your number is called. I'm especially interested in buying some bridges.
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12 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving:
10
Days 'til the
Boston Tuba Concert at Faneuil Hall:
12
Third quarter output of the Eurozone, yet more evidence that austerity still ain't working there since the 2008 economic crash:
0.2%
Increase in U.S. sales for October:
0.5%
(Source: Commerce Department)
Percent by which the global price of oil has fallen in the last five months:
31%
(Source: AP)
Expected increase in lightning strikes by the end of the century, thanks to climate change:
50%
(Source: UC Berkeley research)
Number of countries that require their rulers to belong to a specific religion:
30
(Source: Harper's Index)
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 42 Indianapolis Colts 20
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NEW! Your Monday Robin Williams Moment
On husbands sharing the pain of their wives' childbearing experience: "Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!"
On marijuana: "And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints. It'll say: Surgeon General has determined this will make your music awesome! Even Yanni."
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Kuma the chow hound.
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CHEERS to smooth sailing. Saturday was the start of the 2015 Obamacare enrollment season, so I decided to log on at healthcare.gov and check out my new options. It was easy peasy right from the get-go: smooth, glitch-free, and it was especially helpful that a lot of my 2014 sign-up info was archived so I didn't have to start from scratch. And it sounds like most people are having the same experience:
Insuring more people while cutting costs.
So naturally Republicans want to kill it.
An analyst who monitored Saturday's federal and state website operations for consulting firm Leavitt Partners said the Obamacare sites generally appeared to be problem free and capable of hosting vast numbers of consumers. More than 23,000 people had applied for 2015 coverage by 9 a.m. EST (1400 GMT), officials said. There was no word on total traffic but daily volume was expected to rise into next week. … Specialists trained to help people apply for coverage at the University of South Florida saw walk-ins as well as applicants who had made appointments.
They said the website was responding quickly and easily.
Brainwrap has an update
here. Speaking for myself, it looks like I'll save about $50 a month on my premiums for the same kind of "silver" plan I signed up for earlier this year. You could knock me down with a feather. Or, more likely, a future Supreme Court ruling.
CHEERS to empowered Howard. I still have the coolest postcard I ever got. It doesn’t have a beach scene from some exotic island or a free offer from a local restaurant. No strippers, no funny animals. Just a plain white postcard with a mailing label and postmark on the front and a brief invitation on the back. It arrived in the mail eleven and a half years ago and it reads, in fancy script:
You are cordially invited to attend the
Official Declaration by
Governor Howard Dean, MD
of his candidacy for
President of the United States
June 23, 2003
Church Street
Burlington, Vermont
12 noon
Although it's possible
his hair did him in in '04.
Of course, we all know Governor Dean got bumped out of the race for uttering "Yeah" in Iowa at a higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. (We're a very sensitive republic, you know.) He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, and unleashed a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party an active, robust presence in---
gasp!---all 50 states! Following Obama's 2008 win, campaign manager David Plouffe sent out an email with an iron-clad verdict on how the 50-state strategy worked out:
Our friends at the Democratic National Committee laid it all on the line to bring change this year. The DNC's 50-state field strategy was crucial to our campaign's success, as well as victories for Democrats up and down the ballot. Their organizing infrastructure allowed us to compete---and win---in states that seemed insurmountable just four years ago.
Happy Birthday, Guv.
Despite his strategy (and him) getting tossed in favor of triangulation-as-usual (how'd that work out in 2014, Debbie Wasserman Schultz?), Howard is still fighting via
Democracy for America, has a near-perfect attendance record at our
Netroots Nation conventions, and is a
proud card-carrying Kossack. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who better understands and articulates the fundamentals of this country. Happy Birthday, Howard. And many blessings on your camels.
CHEERS to hot wheels. The Oscars of the auto world are out, and Motor Trend has bestowed its 2015 Car of the Year
award to the Volkswagen Golf:
This buggy's a winnah!
the Golf was a near-unanimous choice among our judges by virtue of its strong performance in each of our six Car of the Year criteria.
No matter which Golf variant we jumped into, we emerged with smiles on our faces. And while each obviously catered to different priorities, they all share the same solid build quality, taut structure, and remarkable ride that make them feel like a premium vehicle in an entry-level segment. In-cabin noise was minimal in every variant, and even the sportiest Golf, the GTI, refused to beat us up over days of hammering Hyundai Proving Grounds' unforgiving special surfaces loop.
Among the features: it's 200 pounds lighter than previous versions, comes in an electric model, powers ahead with instantaneous 199 lb-ft of torque, and wait'll you see the dashboard strudel maker. (Icing dispenser sold separately.)
Fact: the Leonid meteor shower
is often confused with this, the
brie cheese meteor shower.
CHEERS to cleansing your cosmic soul. Not only are sky-watchers getting a thrill from seeing
how awesome the storm on Uranus is, but the Leonid Perseid meteor shower is putting on a display of Leonidiousness
that peaks tonight:
The meteors are bits of dust and rock from the tail of Comet Tempel-Tuttle, which does a loop around the sun every 33 years. Every November, Earth passes through the debris field left behind by Tempel-Tuttle, and the bits of debris "ram into the atmosphere at tens of thousands of miles an hour," according to StarDate magazine. The dust and rocks burn up in the atmosphere, creating the gorgeous light show seen on Earth.
Everyone agrees that meteor showers are beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. And in other news, the new Republican leadership has announced that they plan to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
JEERS to the hunchback of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Forty-one years ago today, in 1973, Richard Nixon uttered his immortal words: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook." And to prove he wasn't a crook, Gerald Ford shielded him with a "full and unconditional pardon" after Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment for high crimes and misdemeanors. The less you think about it, the more it makes perfect sense.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 17, 2009
CHEERS to moving the ball from the 50 yard line to the 50 yard-plus-one-centimeter line. President Obama and Chinese President Hu ("Who?" "Who's on first." "No, Who's on third. Hu's on first." "Who?" "No, Hu!" Etc.) have gotten to know each other better over the last couple days. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs offered a recap of their delicate talks:
"We were able to reach a sustained and awkward silence on unfettered internet access, imports, exports, free speech, Tibet, lead in their toys, our debt, nuclear proliferation, lead in their pet food, currency manipulation, lead in their clothing, human rights, lead in their souvenirs, Taiwan, North Korea, and lead in their baby food. But we did hear a barely-perceptible grunt of approval on climate change, so we're declaring victory and going home."
But Obama did impress the country in one important aspect. Unlike POTUS 43, he was able to release himself from his Chinese finger trap without sneaking behind the wheels of Air Force One to get help from the Secret Service. Victory indeed.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the winner of the universe. It's over. These two win:
Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new Eucalyptus Czar.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Performance Artist Searches for an Actual Kiddie Pool in Cheers and Jeers
---Time
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