From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Let's play a game!
At long last, a minor American nightmare ended this week when Michele Bachmann gave her farewell speech. So, in honor of her rhetorical contributions to the world, all you have to do is figure out which of these are Michele Bachmann quotes, and which are not. It really helps to do this stoned, some people say. Good luck:
1) "How useful are you to the United States Treasury? These people are serious. It makes Kevorkian look like Mary Poppins.”
2) “If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.”
Soon to be the
new Queen of Grift.
3) "A polar bear came up to me outside the grocery store and said the Arctic ice caps are bigger than they've ever been, and polar ice is forming so fast now that bears are getting frozen into all this ice and they gotta use blowtorches to prevent their little handpaws and feetpaws from getting stuck. All that ice."
4) "There's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that [HPV] vaccine. She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine. There are very dangerous consequences!"
5) "The Lord says, 'Be submissive, wives. You are to be submissive to your husbands."
6) "I was on a airplane that was in flying mode when a gentleman leaned in and said we need more laser-toting prairie dogs at the border. I took his name."
7) "I'm not going to go home and put a sock in my mouth."
8) "During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed.''
The actual quotes are #1,2,4,5, 7 and 8. You win! Let's drink.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 12, 2014
Note: How sharp is the dreidel tip I've been filing down for the last 11 months? Watch this: [Swoosh!] [Thock!] ["Aaaagh!"] It's now classified by the Consumer Product Safety Commission as an unauthorized lawn dart. Victory is so mine this year.
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Only 9 days left!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
Boxing Day:
14
Days 'til the final day of the 36th annual
Great Dickens Christmas Fair at the Cow Palace in San Francisco:
9
Expected drop in 2015 airfares, thanks to lower fuel costs:
5%
Expected airline profits next year, compared with $6.1 billion in 2012:
$25 billion
(Source: International Air Transport Association forecast)
Percent of the Irish who support same-sex marriage (a referendum on it will be held next year):
81%
(Source:
Irish Times)
Decline in "established location" sales at McDonald's
pig slop dispensaries restaurants in November:
4.6%
Cost of the
Terrafugia flying car you're all chipping in to buy me for Christmas:
$279,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cute Overload's top dog shamers of 2014…
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Lemme guess: Dems are playing this again.
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JEERS to a very unwelcome stab in the back. There was so much Republican bullshit in the "Cromnibus" budget bill that every Democrat had multiple reasons to light it on fire and dance in the ashes. But no---of course not. Enough House Democrats---fifty freaking seven of them---had to go blue dog, and
now we're looking at a big unraveling of the already-modest Wall Street reforms. The next time it all turns to shit, you and I are back on the hook to bail out the banksters. Ain't that a Citicorp-authored kick. Obamacare was
also weakened. And how nice that the filthy rich can now contribute more of their filthy-richness (up to $324,000) toward the purchase of political candidates, all shiny and hermetically-sealed in a decorative beltway bubble. And apparently President Obama is eager to sign it. This is a great long-term victory. For pawn shops, payday loan outfits and credit card collection agencies. Oh, and the banksters. Can't forget the banksters.
CHEERS to fewer idle hands. We only get one unemployment report each month, but we get the weekly unemployment claims---sit down, this might shock you---weekly. And yesterday's report was pretty good again:
One mall Santa filed for unem-
ployment: this one, I think.
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Fewer people sought U.S. unemployment benefits last week, as the continued low levels of applicants reflect growing job security. The Labor Department says weekly applications fell 3,000 to a seasonally adjusted 294,000. … Over the past 12 months, the four-week average has plunged 10 percent.
As much as I loathe Obama signing that poison pill-laden budget, I'll give him credit for being on duty during a pretty impressive stretch of consistent employment growth (or, in this case, unemployment non-growth). So…yeehaw. (I know that sounded like a weak yeehaw, but trust me: I was tap dancing with sparklers when I said it.)
JEERS to the most activist activist judges ever. On December 12, 2000---in between rounds of Texas Hold 'Em---the Supreme Court reversed a Florida Supreme Court ruling that said, Hey, maybe we should, like, count all the votes or something:
This cartoon helped Ann
Telnaes win a Pulitzer prize.
In a brazen act of deceit, the five-justice majority issuing the Court's per curiam decision knowingly misrepresented December 12 as Florida's chosen deadline for completing the vote count. They held that Florida law allowed no time to count the remaining 175,000 votes: [...] This overt misrepresentation of Florida election law flabbergasted members of the legal profession from coast to coast. These same justices who on so many prior occasions had championed the rights of states had now casually and willfully nullified Florida law.
But at least President George W. Bush fulfilled his promise to restore dignity and competence back to the government. Yay. Squeaky Playskool gavels for everyone!
P.S. Whaddya bet that our first Chief Justice, John Jay, is spinning in his grave, knowing that the above abuse of judicial power was exercised on his birthday? Pay your respects, and sympathies, here.
CHEERS to nature's fabulous light show. If you're up late tonight or tomorrow night and you have a desire to feel small and insignificant, here's something you'll love: the Geminid meteor shower is putting on a show…
"Oh no! It's headed right for Mrs.
McGillicutty's rhubarb patch!!!"
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This shower favors Earth’s Northern Hemisphere, but it’s visible from the Southern Hemisphere, too. … The December Geminids are a particularly reliable and prolific shower, one of the finest of the year. In 2014, the peak night is probably the night of December 13 (morning of December 14). Try the night before (December 12-13), too. … The peak is typically centered at about 2 a.m. local time, no matter where you are on the globe. That’s because the constellation Gemini – radiant point of the shower – will reach its highest point for the night around 2 a.m. (your local time). As a general rule, the higher the constellation Gemini climbs into your sky, the more Geminid meteors you’re likely to see.
They say you'll need twenty minutes or so of staring into total darkness before your eyes get properly adjusted. Or, to speed up the process, you can just spend 30 seconds staring into Dick Cheney's soul.
CHEERS to trapping a very large rat. Ten years ago tomorrow, members of the 4th Infantry Division's 1st Brigade found Saddam Hussein stinking up a "spider hole" near Tikrit. He was given a public trial and then executed. Or as Hussein himself would've said when he was still in power: "You're doing it backwards!"
Sunday: Will McAvoy signs off.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I think this'll be a mostly news-free TV weekend for the BiPM household---I can get the same effect from going in the basement and sticking my head in the furnace. So we'll be scrounging around for any
South Park, Star Trek or Judge Judy we can find. Plus DVDs---
new releases include
Guardians of the Galaxy and the return of the Nazi zombies in
Dead Snow 2. Your
NFL schedule is here (The Patriots will "Fin"-ish off the Dolphins ha ha ha!!!), NBA action
is here and the NHL schedule
is here. Hobbit Martin Freeman hosts SNL. And after two-and-a-half wildly uneven but always watchable seasons, this weekend brings a merciful end to HBO's
The Newsroom. Aaron Sorkin should think about doing
West Wing 2.0. We could use a dose of optimism right about now.
On Bill Moyers & Company, veteran journalist John “Rick” MacArthur, publisher of Harper’s magazine, talks with Bill about how elected Democrats are abandoning their core principles in droves, cooking up a potential disaster in 2016. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, posted strictly to remind ourselves again that our media discourse is populated by fools and lackeys:
Meet the Press: Dunno. Chuck Todd's puppeteers haven't updated the guest list yet. But suffice it to say all his guests are going to be EXCLUSIVE!!!!
Sunday on Face the Nation: McCain
defends not defending torture.
Face the Nation: Oh my god, this is messin' with my mind! John McCain is on Face the Nation for the billionth time, but he's talking about why torture is totally horrible so this time I'm totally okay with it! (Mark it in the history books, kids.) Plus: Sens. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) and Maine's Angus King (TMOI---The Mustache of Independence) and Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI); roundtable with torture lover Peggy Noonan, neocon Michael Gerson (WaPost), Charles Ellison (The Root) and Mark Mazzetti (NYT).
This Week: Former CIA rectal-feeding torture master Michael Hayden, who to this day sleeps in four-star general jammies; contract interrogator Eric Fair; Tom Friedman doles out Friedman Units like John Rockefeller passing out shiny dimes; POWERHOUSE roundtable---[Zot! KaBOOM!]---with Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) and Michael Smerconish, along with torture fans Newt Gingrich and Laura Ingraham.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Peter King (R-NY); Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick; more fluffing of George W. Bush.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Torture defender Karl Rove arrives to the set in jackboots to debate Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) about the Senate Intelligence report, and by the time it's over the waters will be sufficiently muddied enough for Fox viewers to deduce that torture is awesome! Former Director of the CIA Clandestine Service Jose Rodriguez gets a whole segment of solo time to explain why torture is awesome! And the roundtable---George Will, Julie Pace, Michael Needham and Charles Lane, debate just how awesome torture is! (Spoiler alert: it's American torture so it's super awesome!!!!)
Happy viewing.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 12, 2009
JEERS to bad omens. One of the justifications for escalating the fight in Afghanistan is it gives the government there a chance to clean up its act. This isn’t a good start: the mayor of Kabul was sentenced this week to four years in prison for "corruption, embezzlement and misuse of power," but he's decided to stay on the job anyway. He says he wants the court to offer more solid proof that he's a corrupt Afghan public official. I can do that in one sentence: Dude, you're an Afghan public official!!! (Damn....I shoulda been Perry Mason.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to tough broads. Happy 117th birthday this Sunday to Maine's own Margaret Chase Smith. She was the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House and Senate, and she reserved some choice not-so-nice words for Senator Joseph McCarthy. And get a load of this from 1950, which would no doubt get her smeared by Rush Limbaugh and Fox News as a traitor today:
"I don't want to see the Republican Party ride to political victory on the Four Horsemen of Calumny---Fear, Ignorance, Bigotry and Smear.
I doubt if the Republican Party could---simply because I don't believe the American people will uphold any political party that puts political exploitation above national interest. Surely we Republicans aren't that desperate for victory.
I don't want to see the Republican Party win that way. While it might be a fleeting victory for the Republican Party, it would be a more lasting defeat for the American people. Surely it would ultimately be suicide for the Republican Party and the two-party system that has protected our American liberties from the dictatorship of a one party system."
Yeah. They'd be crazy to try that.
Have a holly jolly weekend. Controlled substances may be necessary. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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