As a proud member of the APA, (Amoral, Patronizing Assholes), I’m often asked what advice I’d give to other medical professionals for treating serial liars and war criminals.
For example, what’s the proper medical course of treatment for Dick Cheney as he conducts his televised arrogance tour?
With the unfortunate dual complications that he appears to be allergic to the truth and fully immune to the rule of law, I recommend the following, strict treatment regime, outlined in full below the orange fishing line birdsnest:
A Dick-ish Prescription:
Selling lies, more lies, on Face the Nation?
Prescribe some soothing rectal rehydration!
Sucking-face with Todd on Meet the Press?
Rack his bod in pretzel-bending stress!
Dodging Georgie’s softballs on This Week?
Smacky-face him hard; repeat with other cheek!
Getting ass-licked on Sean Hannity?
Crank the music up, until insanity!
And if he ever gets to Charlie Rose?
Blast some shotgun pellets up his snotty nose!
Still arrogantly bragging-up his endless love of torture?
Blowtorch his itty-bitty balls; apply a truthy-scorcher!
Should he beg for mercy, once or maybe twice,
Douse his ass with water and pickle Dick in ice!
And what if, due to treatment, he should need another heart?
Slice his chest wide open and transplant a nasty fart!
At the end of this regime, be true to your profession,
Make sure you’ve faithfully transcribed his true and full confession!
If after this he logically asserts a right to die,
Ship his ass to Gitmo, but if that plan goes awry,
Lynch the lying piece of shit, hang him from the sky!
Epilogue
As citizens of this great land, the home of all the brave,
We solemnly reserve the right to piss on Dicky’s grave.