From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Life Lessons 2015.1
I am just a simple caveman. To separate fact from fiction and right from wrong, I depend on the knowledge and guidance of an exclusive group of scholarly village elders to inform me what is and what ain't. I speak, of course, of the new, improved Republican party. This is a partial list of the things I've learned from it in January, 2015:
Hispanic people born in America are from another planet.
It's vital that the Keystone pipeline should be built with foreign materials and the oil should go to foreign countries.
The Speaker of the House is now also head of the State Department.
Overturning the Citizens United ruling will cause the Bill of Rights to self-destruct.
Lawmakers are above the law.
When interviewing for a job, it's always a good idea to inform your prospective employer that you're not crazy. Really.
President Obama's State of the Union address was larded up with secret Islamic messages.
Gun safety is for sissies.
...and so are national parks.
Securing approval for a new transmission line designed to carry solar and wind power to western states will permanently damage national security.
Wow. I feel all edumacated now. I can't wait to find out all the exciting things we'll learn from the new and improved Republican party in February!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 26, 2015
Note: The Republican "replacement" health care plan is almost ready to be unveiled. Bad news: pre-existing conditions, lifetime caps and the Medicare "Donut hole" are back. Good news: unlimited free poultices.
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5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Groundhog Day:
7
Days 'til the
Groundhog Wine Trail Festival in Clearfield, Pennsylvania:
5
Amount (all cash) for which Expedia just bought Travelocity:
$280 million
Date on which Mastercard will start processing swipes in Cuba:
3/1/15
Amount in bribes that New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver allegedly accepted before his arrest last week:
$700,000
Years since Chick Corea and Herbie Hancock performed together on tour (a new tour starts in March):
37
Number of first-time advertisers in this year's Super Bowl, where a 30-second spot costs $4.5 million:
15
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Puppy Pic of the Day: While Tom Brady's playing with his balls, I'll be looking out for the return of the Budweiser puppy.
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CHEERS to doin' the transatlantic wave. While Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu thumbs his nose at our President by accepting John Boehner's invitation to bash him in an address to Congress next month, Barack Obama says, "Fine---then I'll just go play in India's sandbox for awhile." He becomes first sitting president to visit that country twice, and for Republic Day, no less. Say hi:
Apparently he's
making breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough and solidifying relations with India while making China squirm like a worm. Fox News will spend the day criticizing Obama for having the audacity to lead from in front.
CHEERS to clear eyes for the Senate guy. Send some positive vibes to Harry Reid today. The minority leader is
undergoing surgery to reconstruct the eye socket he damaged during a workout over the holidays. For his part, Reid says he's actually looking forward to the procedure, saying it'll be a refreshing change of pace to have knives stuck somewhere besides his back.
JEERS to the cringe heard around the world. On January 26, 1998, President Clinton spoke the immortal words: "I want to say one thing to the American people: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." He was, of course, lying like a bearskin rug on which one might have sexual relations. But in fairness, Ken Starr's investigation clearly showed that the Oval Office blow jobs were official business. Clinton was just practicing for his upcoming budget negotiations with Congress.
JEERS to space invaders. This would probably be a good day to spend in the basement with a sturdy saucepan on your head:
Earth looks a bit underinflated to me.
A mountain-size asteroid will zoom past Earth Monday (Jan. 26), marking the closest pass by such a large space rock until 2027. … The researchers expect to obtain resolutions as fine as 13 feet (4 m) per pixel, so the images of 2004 BL86 should reveal details as small as the length of a typical. This will allow the scientists to assess how rugged or smooth the space rock's surface is "It's expected to be one of the best radar-imaging targets of this calendar year," [Lance] Benner said.
On the bright side, NASA and NOAA both agree that if the giant asteroid slams into us today, the east coast won’t have to worry about the epic blizzard tomorrow.
P.S. EPIC EAST COAST BLIZZARD TOMORROW!!! Yesterday we spent hours fighting the crowds to stock up on emergency essentials. We were fortunate---we snagged the last sapphire tiara the jewelry store had in stock.
JEERS to Puckerfest 2015. Everyone's talking about that procession of ass kissers standing in line to pay homage to an old right-wing extremist who favors harsh punishment for anyone who dares sully his ideological brand as throngs of followers blindly pledge their blood and sacred honor to the exalted King. But enough about that hootenanny in Iowa. Did you hear about the Saudi guy who croaked?
Fact: Frosty bought MacArthur's
corncob pipe at auction for $180.
CHEERS to old soldiers. Today is General Douglas MacArthur's 135th birthday. After destroying the Japanese forces during World War II, he gained their respect as Military Governor of Japan, but then he became too much of a loose cannon over Korea and got fired by President Harry Truman. Afterward...
There was an unsuccessful attempt by Republicans to have him run for President in 1952, but he deferred, and the nomination went to General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower. After retirement, he became Chairman of the Board for the Remington Rand Corporation, and spent his remaining years in NYC, speaking out on public issues. His final address, in January 1962, to the graduating class at West Point is considered one of his finest speeches.
Pay your respects
here. In his farewell address to Congress, MacArthur said that old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Thanks to the size of his ego, he'll finish fading sometime during the next ice age.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 26, 2005
CHEERS to getting the boot. Richard Cohen, president of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) and Laura Schlessinger's "Ex-gay Advisor" is permanently expelled from the world's largest professional counseling association because his "conversion therapy" techniques are based on junk science. Imagine that...it's the exact same reason why the Fundamentalists welcomed him as a member in the first place.
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And just one more…
If you live in Australia, you'll need to turn
this graphic upside down to read what it says.
CHEERS to Australia Day!
Hit it:
Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast
And she said,
"Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."
Happy
Australia Day. But if you come near me with anything resembling vegemite, I'm calling in Seal Team 6.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Stale, strained and sadly dismal considering all parties involved, Cheers and Jeers wants to be a globe-trotting roguish romp crossing the globe in a bespoke suit, but it feels more like a brandy-soaked nap in grandad's threadbare housecoat.
---James Rocchi
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