From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A Clip from Fifty Shades of GOP
"Now that I've tied you up with anonymous holds, do you swear you voted for me and against your own self-interest?"
"Yes! Yes! I voted for you, my Republican dungeon master! Now renege on your promises!"
"Let's start with some pain-inducing Reaganomics. You know all those tax cuts for the rich that we promised would trickle down into your bank account? Well, you'll never see a penny of it! You're screwed!"
"Oh, take the lash to my financial security, you monster! Make me sweat over my ability to pay my monthly bills!"
"How about our promise to protect Medicare and Medicaid? We're gonna turn your guaranteed benefits into vouchers. And then we're gonna stick those vouchers in a vise. And then we're gonna squeeeeeze the value out of 'em until you beg for mercy!"
"Why, I'll have to rely on bake sales just to raise money to stay alive. Oh, YES! Threaten me with debilitating but curable illnesses I can no longer pay to treat! Now give me an Obamacare-repeal spanking! Fifty-six times! Do it!"
"With pleasure---by which I mean, with pain. Here it comes: Aye! The motion to repeal is carried! Aye! The motion to repeal is carried..."
"Oh, it hurts so good!!!"
"Aye! The motion to repeal is carried! Aye! The..."
[Ding!]
"Whoops! Time's up. Tomorrow I'll tie you up and refuse to fix your roads or bridges or fund the department that keeps you safe from terrorists."
"Oh you naughty sexy beast. Ruff! Ruff!"
Spoiler alert: later they go Galt and no one notices.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Note: Elevator's broken this morning. Please use the jetpack instead. Thx. ---Mgt.
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Oscars:
4
Days 'til the
San Jose Craft Beer Festival:
10
Projected ACA signups as of February 28:
12.45 million
(Source: brainwrap at
ACA Signups)
Percent of Americans who will blame Republicans and President Obama, respectively, if funding for Homeland Security gets shut off:
53%, 30%
(Source: CNN/ORC poll)
Current number of deaths attributed to faulty ignition switches in GM cars:
56
Percentage of Benjamin Netanyahu’s 2014 primary-campaign contributions that came from the United States:
90%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Amount by which they're going to have to
raise the Washington Monument to match the height listed in the tourism brochures:
10 inches
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 179 (including 4 Wild Weathers and a pack of wild America-destroying Muslim Avengers). Soul Protection Factor 4 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I got 6 right. How 'bout you?
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CHEERS to the new kids on the block. Today America has a new Defense Secretary, Ash Carter, a name that says, "Fuck with me at your peril, evildoers."
Carter, 60, was born in Philadelphia into a military family; his father was a Navy doctor. A Yale graduate, he is a Rhodes scholar with degrees in theoretical physics and medieval history. He did not serve in uniform. He has two grown children with his first wife, Bates College President Clayton Spencer, and is now married to Stephanie Carter.
That's right. Ash Carter doesn’t just
say he'll go all medieval on your ass---he has the know-how to
do it. Meanwhile, Oregon gets a new governor today when
Kate Brown gets sworn in after the previous governor imploded and fled the scene nekkid as a jaybird (ethically, anyway). So now we have Governor Browns in California and Oregon. Keep your eye on Washington---this smells like a west coast Brownspiracy to me.
CHEERS to knowing when to hit the exit. In an interview on MSNBC, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she'll leave the bench when she feels like she's slipping. Within minutes, Democratic crowdfunders raised a million dollars for sturdy rubber-soled shoes and Republican crowdfunders raised a million dollars for banana peels.
CHEERS to the wackiest ship in the galaxy. The next rallying cry in space might be "Dive! Dive!" if this becomes a reality. Check out the submarine they want to send to one of Saturn's moons:
It's an amazing opportunity to study the immense methane seas of Titan. Or as John McCain calls it: an excellent opportunity to nuke Iran and blame it on the Saturnians.
CHEERS to great discoveries. Speaking of outer space and whatnot, on this date in 1930, astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered a new "dwarf planet" in our solar system. He called it Pluto. Republicans called it Home.
CHEERS to Bernie Sanders: standup comedian. Ladies and gentleman, give it up for the
the junior senator from Vermont! Whooo…..
"If Republicans are serious about extending the solvency of Social Security beyond 2033…"
His Mark Twain Prize is in…the…bag.
CHEERS to stalling for America's future. 174 years ago, on February 18, 1841, the first continuous filibuster in the U.S. Senate began. It lasted until March 11. One thing we'll never have to worry about---a politician running out of words.
CHEERS to Mardi Gras! Nothing but decadence and gluttony yesterday as Americans celebrated our annual religious observance of, um, decadence and gluttony, I think (I'm a bit behind in my Bible studies). At one point during the festivities people kept shouting, "Show us your boobs!" I shouted back, "Get a load of these babies" and flashed this in their face:
Next thing I remember is waking up in a dumpster. Mardi Gras is weird.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 18, 2005
JEERS to arriving late to the party. Republican House and Senate members are scrambling to put up their own blogs on their government web sites. "Senators want them even though they don't know what they are," a GOP strategist tells U.S. News & World report. Just like most of the legislation that crosses their desk.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America's top dog. Last night at the Westminster Kennel Club's 139th annual competition (the Super Bowl of dog shows minus all the concussions), Miss P from British Columbia became only the second beagle to take home the coveted Best in Show trophy:
Another blow for American exceptionalism. Thanks, o-
BAMA.
Oh, and Happy Birthday to Atrios the Baby Blue Cherub (aka Duncan Black), and many blessings on your "Heh indeedys." Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I noticed this kiddie pool sticking out of the side of Daily Kos. To begin with, I thought there was a problem with the telescope or camera. But as I checked more of the images, I realised it was a real feature---and it was quite a surprise."
---Damian Peach
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