So, I have never watched the TV show and am only minimally familiar with the story of the Duggar family. Of course, it is impossible to be at all active on social media lately and not hear about this family. With that has come scores of those condemning Josh and his father and scores "forgiving" and supporting them. The truth is that their TV show fans have no business condemning or forgiving these men...they did nothing to the TV audience. The only ones who have a place in this tragic set of events are Josh, his God, and his victims. His victims are in fact sorely missing from the threads of debate. They do get brought up from time to time by those who wish to condemn Josh, but they are not anyone's focus. They are merely a tool to prove one's side of the argument. How sad. After all that they have already endured they are nothing more than tools to win debates now. Who stands in solidarity with them? Who encourages them to forgive or not to forgive? Who fights for their healing? Who cares, even a tiny bit, about these girls?
I had a rather traumatic childhood that included several instances of sexual abuse and assault. At eight years old, four boys tried to rape me. I fought and got away before they accomplished their stated goal, but not before I was violently molested. The aftermath with my family and the community was just as traumatic. So much anger and calls for justice. I just wanted peace. I wanted my innocence and my happiness back.
A year later, I was molested almost on a daily basis all summer long by another boy who was my age. He was a good person. Kind. Sweet. Shy. He probably had no idea that he was hurting me. I was submissive because I was frozen in fear. I was not afraid of him though. I was afraid of the reaction of my parents, his parents and the community. He hurt me; he violated me, but he did not mean to. He was a friend of mine. I forgave him. Even when I did finally tell my parents so they could make it stop, I did so carefully as to ensure he would not get in trouble or face the kind of condemnation that those other boys endured.
The first time was easy to process. They were bad. They were evil. I hated them and welcomed their condemnation. They deserved every evil thing that could come their way. It was black and white. They were evil and hurt me on purpose. I was a victim and a survivor. Even with the simplicity of it all, the turmoil of outrage in everyone around me hurt me quite a bit and was something I never wish to repeat.
The second time was (and still is) so much more difficult than the first. He was not bad or evil. He did not deserve to be hurt the way he had hurt me. I forgave him and wanted to protect him. I was a victim, but not of some evil menace. What was I a victim of? What did I deserve? I was submissive to someone who hurt me. Was it my fault? The shame and guilt I felt the second time was ten fold over the first because this situation was not cut and dry. His intent was not to hurt and control, he was confused and curious and probably a victim of abuse himself. For a little girl of nine years old, this was so very confusing. There was (and still is) no support for me and what I needed. Even though I wanted to forgive, others wished vengeance. To everyone else, it was not about me and the healing I needed; it was about the crime and violation and retribution.
Now today, I hear an outpouring of support for Josh and I think, "who's place is it to forgive besides those he hurt?" I hear harsh condemnation and think, "does it matter what his victims want?" Are the victims valid at all to anyone? Are any victims valid to anyone? Am I? Why do we not stand in solidarity with his sisters? Send kind words of love and encouragement to them. Allow them to follow the path they are comfortable with taking. If they choose to forgive, that is their choice. None of us gets to make that for them.
If they choose to hold him close to their hearts and see the good in him, may their God be with them in that. If they choose to hate him and forever see the evil inside him, that too is their choice and a totally valid one for them to make. It simply is not up to us. Trying to take that from them invalidates them as people of any significance. I can tell you, as a child, when the rest of the world choose to take up my cause with their choices of forgiveness or condemnation, I was forgotten. I was insignificant. I felt alone, scared, dirty, and wrong. I was confused, and every thought or desire I had was invalidated by those around me who had their own ideas and were overly verbal about them.
I do not know his victims, nor do I think my experience with sexual abuse in any way can speak for theirs. I can tell you that if they wanted this to be a national debate, they would want to be at the forefront of it. They would want to tell the world that they forgive or condemn. The fact that they are silent means they do not want this defining who they are to the world. They do wish to move on and make their life about something good. They do not owe the public any disclosure.
The mass forgiveness or condemnation of their brother can only be painful to them, no matter what side of that coin they fall on themselves. Just as when they were being hurt and invalidated by someone that they loved, they are being invalidated right now. They are being made insignificant tools in an exploding internet debate. If any of them still feel fear and contempt, the outcry of forgiveness for the one who hurt them has got to be pure torture. I would not be able to show my face in public, the shame that it would bring up in me would be unbearable. If they feel forgiveness, the call for condemnation would be confusing and heartbreaking.
I choose to not condemn or forgive Josh; he is nothing but a character on TV who has done nothing good or bad to me. He is not a victim and does not need or deserve anyone's support. I stand in solidarity with the victims who remain silent. That is what they want. Silence. If and when that changes, they will let us know. Bill Cosby's victims told the world when they were ready. They made his crimes a national debate when they choose that it was appropriate and were comfortable and felt safe to do so; when they felt strong enough to handle the "forgiveness" and "condemnation" of completely unaffected strangers.