From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
We'll Return to Our Blog After This Message…
Woman: Honey, what's wrong?
Man: I don't know---I'm just not feeling like myself lately. I keep having these weird thoughts.
Woman: Thoughts?
Man: Like, maybe single-payer healthcare is the right way to go. Maybe we should increase taxes on the rich. Maybe we should keep reproductive issues between a woman and her doctor. Maybe gay marriage won’t destroy the foundation of civilization. Maybe government can be a solution for many of our problems. It feels so…
Woman: …so wrong?
Man: Yeah! It's like everything in my head is suddenly rational and clear!
Woman: Honey, you're suffering from commonsensivitis.
Man: Commonsensiwhatis???
Use only as directed by Fox News: chug the
the whole thing and then say 25 Hail Reagans.
[Cut to] Doctor in white lab coat: Commonsensivitis is a rare but serious condition that occurs when neural pathways in the conservative brain figure out how to connect to each other, producing high levels of rationality, reason and, yes, common sense. Junk food and Fox News can help destroy those connections naturally, but for really stubborn cases you need new Screwusall. Just take two Screwusall tablets and you'll be feeling like your usual paranoid, angry, loud, gun-crazy self again!
Man: Defund Planned Parenthood! Kill your Medicare but not mine! Stomp unions into the dirt! Drill here, drill now! Social Security is a Ponzi scheme but don't you dare cut my benefits! Libtard voter fraud is an epidemic and I can't prove it! Obama equals Hitler! Sarah Palin speaks for me! More tax cuts for the rich! Kirk Cameron movies are instant classics! Science is for sissies! Jesus rode a dinosaur!
Woman: Welcome back to the bubble, honey! No more commonsensivitis for you!
Man: Thanks, Screwusall
Announcer: Screwusall---available at fine tea party meetings, Republican campaign rallies and bait-and-switch GOP governor's offices everywhere. Side effects include embarrassing spelling errors on protest signs, voting against your self-interest and thinking like a modern-day Republican.
We now return you to our regularly-scheduled sunshine day.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Note: We don't shout the n-word from your toilet. Please don’t be racist in our pool. Thanks. ---Mgt.
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the days start getting shorter:
12
Days 'til the
Touch Tomorrow Festival in Worcester, Massachusetts:
3
Minimum wage hike approved by the Maine state House, which would be phased in over the next three years:
$7.50 to $9.50
Percent chance that Gov. LePage will veto it if it makes it through the Senate, which is doubtful because Republicans hate it:
100%
Number of U.S. territories that issue same-sex marriage licenses as of Monday:
1 (Guam)
Decrease in the number of documented abortions since 2010:
12%
(Source: AP survey)
Estimated number of times you'll flex the joints in your fingers over your lifetime:
24 million
(Source: The internet)
NBA Finals:
Cleveland leads Golden State 2 games to 1
Stanley Cup Finals:
Tampa Bay leads Chicago 2 games to 1
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 3 False Christs and 1 fuzzy End Times enabler). Soul Protection Factor 28 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: U.S. Marine: "I got my buddy back."
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CHEERS to prime time with Liz. Democracy for America and MoveOn.org invites you to sit in on a conference call with Senator Elizabeth Warren TONIGHT at 9ET to discuss "the Trans-Pacific Partnership and Fast Track, and how progressives can work together to stand up for working families and change the game in Washington." Oh, and DFA sent a pic:
To RSVP,
click here and they'll send you an email on how to get on the call. Or you can do what I do, climb a telephone pole and stick your ear to the cable. Also a great way to intercept Confederate battle plans.
JEERS to Barney Fife's evil twin. That Texas police officer---the now-infamous Cpl. Eric Casebolt---who gave barrel-rolling a bad name and then proceeded to terrorize a bunch of black teens in bathing suits at a community pool party resigned yesterday, refusing to make any kind of statement or even say he was sorry. So, legal action against him notwithstanding, he is free to pursue a new career of his choice. Wild guess, but it's probably safe to rule out party planner or pool boy.
"Democrats are nothing but scumbags
and assholes, and I can't understand
why they won't work with sweet little me!"
CHEERS to a triple-barrel defeat for Governor Doofus. While nutcase Republican governors in other states are steamrolling everything in their path to crush the poors and expand their dictatorial powers (Sam Brownback in Kansas may end up abolishing the entire judiciary branch there---
that's impressive), Maine Governor Paul LePage just can't seem to get his jalopy out of first gear. Three big defeats for the meathead: his signature second-term-agenda plan to get rid of the income tax
is dead, his plan to kick thousands of young people off their MaineCare health care plans is
similarly deceased, and he can also wave
bye-bye to a revision to mining rules that would make it much easier for companies to crack open Maine's skull and scoop out the spoils with little regard for the environmental consequences. In retaliation, LePage has started
vetoing all bills with a Democratic sponsor that cross his desk. He says he knows they'll be overridden by huge bipartisan margins, but his office says "he is making a point." If his point is to look like a huge petulant jackass, then I'll swallow my pride and put that down in his column as a win.
America's new beltway someday?
CHEERS to that shining city on a hill surrounded by gaseous swampland. 222 years ago today, in 1793, Congress---back when it was functional---voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation's capital. Today the beltway politicians, lobbyists and pundits have so sullied the name of our circle-with-a-star-in-it-on-maps,
and besmirched the memory of the person for whom it's named (Ronald Reagan Washington, the Texas school board tells me), that we really should think about moving it again. I offer up my usual candidates: Goober Hill, LA…Devil's Den, CA…Cuckoo, VA…Crooks, SD…Rattlesnake Bend, FL…Mayday, GA…Oil Springs, KY…Petroleum, MT…Crappo, MD…Hell, MI…Money, MS…Loco, OK…and Idiotville, OR. Completely out of the question, however: moving it to any town named Normal.
JEERS to what's-gonna-happen whiplash. If you're looking for agreement among the economic "experts" this week, you apparently will have trouble finding it. On the one hand:
Wall Street economists, however, aren't that worried about the first quarter and still expect a snapback in the second quarter.
On the
other hand…
U.S. economic growth in the second quarter is predicted to be far weaker than previously expected and it will prevent the pace of annual growth from exceeding last year's 2.4 percent, according to a forecast by a group of U.S. business economists.
As always, C&J's advice is pretty simple when dealing with financial matters: get really stoned and then listen to your piggy bank. It'll give you an uninterrupted earful for a good ninety minutes.
JEERS to those wacky Puritans. On June 10, 1692, the first Salem "witch"---Bridget Bishop---was hanged in the name of Our Lord. George Will says she had it coming---after all, she was wearing jeans and making eye contact with the menfolk. Trollop.
"Oopsie."
CHEERS to the primary bombshell heard 'round the world. Today is not a national holiday, but perhaps it should be. It was one year ago today that second-most-powerful man in the House, majority leader Eric Cantor,
lost his primary in a landslide to an unknown teabagger---a real brat whose name turns out to be, um, Dave Brat. Some say Cantor lost because he failed to campaign and took his seat for granted. Others say he lost because of the combined telepathic power of the gays, feminists and pagans to influence voters. Let's go with that one.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 10, 2005
JEERS to swamp-infested deals. Hey, remember how excited we were when Brother Bush and his other Brother Bush announced 3 years ago that he planned to protect 400,000 acres of Florida Everglades from oil and gas exploration by buying up the mineral rights? A new report from the Dept. of the Interior says the deal was rotten to the core:
Just a couple crazy kids.
The agreement for the sale had been announced at the White House in May 2002 with Gov. Jeb Bush in attendance and much hoopla. The deal with Naples-based Collier Resources Co., unveiled at the same time as a buyback of offshore oil leases near the Panhandle, was credited with helping burnish the governor's and the president's environmental credentials. […]
"Certain officials in the administration were moving heaven and Earth to dish out hundreds of millions of dollars to one of the richest families in Florida in an attempt to greenwash before the next election," said Keith Ashdown, spokesman for Taxpayers for Common Sense.
Somebody needs to be fed to the gators.
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And just one more…
JEERS to confirming what the real patriots knew all along. God-fearing Christian conservatives have been warning us all along that President Barack HUSSEIN Obama's main goal as dictator-in-chief is to brainwash our vulnerable children on the ways of the radical Muslim, but dumb dirty hippies like me have been all like, oh no no no that's so WRONG! Well, mea culpa, mea culpa...because now there's proof of Barry Obummer's real agenda…
My god, Spock, what have we done? What...HAVE...we...DONE?
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Surprise! Americans Love Cheers and Jeers, Want To Kiss Bill in Portland Maine Right On His Man-Lips
---Wonkette
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