From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I learned from Republicans in June
Filled my brain to capacity this month, they did…
A horse doesn’t become a fly, and a horse doesn’t become a bear, and a bear doesn’t become a whale. (Megan Fox)
America is going to import sodomy to other planets and, in fact, the entire universe.
(Maine's own Michael Heath)
Dennis Hastert is the real victim. (Fox News)
The retirement age should be raised to 600. (Likely Montana guv candidate Greg Gianforte)
Rick Perry's prayers convinced God to end the Texas drought… (Glenn Beck)
…but the drought continues in California because of godless liberals and their abortions. (CA Assemblywoman Shannon Grove)
If you're a guy and you want to ogle high school girls while they're showering, it's okay---not to mention hilarious---to walk in and pretend that you're transgender.
(Gov. Mike Huckabee)
We should make voting more difficult because then more people will vote.
(CA Assembly Leader Kristin Olsen)
The earth is roughly five-thousand years old. (Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia)
The reason there are so many out-of-wedlock births in America---like, say, abstinence advocate Bristol Palin's upcoming second one---is because we're not shaming women nearly often or sternly enough. (Jeb Bush)
If your baby son dies, look on the bright side: he might've turned out to be another Hitler. (Pat Robertson)
Disabled kids are such a drain on society, jeez, I swear, what's their problem?!!
(Rep. Cresent Hardy of Nevada)
And the most bestest thing I learned from Republicans this month:
If you're an anti-LGBT bigot and it turns out you have money in a bank that supports LGBT causes, send a protest message by closing your account and moving all your money to a different bank that supports LGBT causes. (Franklin Graham)
See ya at the next MENSA meeting, Frank!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Note: Please note that only running in bare feet, peeing, diving in the shallow end and unfettered roughhousing will be tolerated around the C&J kiddie pool. Anyone caught engaging in jiggery-pokery will be removed from the premises. Thank you. ---Mgt.
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11 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til America turns 239:
4
Days 'til the
Taste of Buffalo festival:
11
Increase in consumer spending in May, the highest monthly jump since August, 2009:
0.9%
(Source: Commerce Department)
Percent of Americans who favor background checks on all gun purchases:
90%
(Source: PPP poll)
Estimated number of Mainers who didn’t lose their health insurance, thanks to the Supreme
Court's ruling last week:
50,000
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Tonight's starting time for the Women's World Cup soccer match between the United States and Germany:
7pm ET
Number of times 73-year-old retired minister Gary Coleman of Monfort Heights, Ohio has ridden the Diamondback roller coaster at King's Island since it opened in 2009:
12,000
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The intellectual heavyweight commenters at World Net Daily weigh in on the Texas Attorney General's proclamation that clerks don't have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples…
Wankers, Ninnies and Dopes.
C'mon, Texas! Start by nullifying this abomination, then secede! Prime the pump for the rest of us!
---Daithi Dub
I say we as Texans, should send all the Yankee-hippy-liberal-progressive-communist-pinko-atheist-God hating-pedophile loving-scumbag trash back up north where they belong!
---Disgruntled Vet
One of the resources to combat this assbackwards law is civil disobedience. Massive and non ending civil disobedience.
---a basic old fart
I just want to get my own island and move away from all this crap until Jesus comes back.
---AJ2
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Problem solved.
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C&J's designated NSA tracker Bart
monitored us from his submarine.
CHEERS to sum' sum' summertime. A good time was had by all over the weekend at our New England Kossack meetup in northy-westy Maine Saturday. The rubber ducky brigade included Debbie in Maine, rebereads, Ed Tracey, JBL55 and Mr. L, DtheO, Vacationland, nhox42, Simple, Common Sense Mainer, special guests Maudlin (with Chris and Sara), Salmo, and Mycofiend…assorted pooties, woozles and
a pair of large chatty loons (video by nhox42, and yeah that's Haley at the, um, tail end)…and our hostest with the mostest, Mayim. Great food (yes, including pie), feisty political conversation and unbeatable scenery ruled the day. Thanks again for your hospitality, Mayim. By the way, if your own little corner of heaven is having a Kossack meetup, drop me a note and I'll give it some ink in C&J. (And also let the
New Day team know know so they can add it to their full meetup list.) They're fun, nutritious, and knowing you're having a good time drives the Puritans crazy.
CHEERS to running out of time. Good news, Planet Earth! Y'all can breathe a sigh of relief this morning, seeing as we beat the odds and thwarted ten years worth of terrorist plans. From late June, 2005:
The chance of an attack with a weapon of mass destruction somewhere in the world in the next 10 years runs as high as 70 percent, arms experts have predicted in a U.S. survey. Most of the more than 80 experts surveyed in the report released on Tuesday believed one or two new countries will acquire nuclear weapons in the next five years, with two to five countries joining the nuclear club during the next decade.
The most likely scenario for a nuclear attack would be for terrorists to use a weapon they made themselves with material acquired on the black market, the survey said.
The good news: to celebrate this remarkable decade of WMD-free existence, tonight everybody in the world is getting a free
leap second! The bad news: experts predict there's an up to 70 percent chance that
it will destroy the financial markets and life as we know it. So, hey…enjoy your morning and afternoon!
JEERS to today's boring correction. The claim by CNN that a black and white flag flying at London's LGBT Pride parade bore the markings of radical jihadist group ISIS...
...was made in error. In fact, the flag that CNN allowed to take up an enormous amount of screen time Sunday actually bore the markings
of a diverse collection of dildos. CNN regrets the error, and wishes Phyllis Schlafly a speedy recovery after she missed the fainting couch by
this much.
CHEERS to fun with math. Einstein's theory of relativity was presented 110 years ago today. His words:
Or so President Obama wants you to think.
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity."
Obviously he never spent an hour with Peggy Noonan. That'd be relatively interminable.
JEERS to #14. Gas up the clown car---there's a fresh GOP preznidential pickup today and he goes by the name Christopher James Christie. Here's what you need to know:
"My chance of winning is..."
Age: 52
Home state: New Jersey
Billionaire benefactor: The guy in the top hat from the Monopoly game.
Central campaign theme: Why the hell not? It beats governing.
Voter base: Republicans who don’t find Donald Trump arrogant enough.
Location of campaign announcement: Livingston High School in New Jersey.
Slogan: "Fuck You."
Chris Christie fun fact: Ann Coulter famously said in 2012, "If we don’t run Chris Christie, Mitt Romney will be the nominee and we'll lose." This year she's backing Trump. For once, she and I agree on something.
When the clown car pulls up, the other candidates will give him an authentic New Jersey welcome by heaving him in the trunk and taking him "for a little ride."
CHEERS to getting a second opinion. The Commerce Department now says that the first-quarter Gross Domestic Product fell far less (0.2% vs. 0.7%) than originally estimated, thanks to stronger numbers on consumer spending and exports. But looking ahead, the financial experts all agree on one thing: this quarter is completely in your hands, lemonade stand kids.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 30, 2005
CHEERS to the gay takeover of the world. First Canada...now Spain has approved same-sex marriage. Said Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero Conchita Alonzos: "We were not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last." No...that honor will go to US. [6/30/15 Update: Hooray---I was wrong. The deed is done. Mazel Tov. You're up next, Russia.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to he who is laughing last. On June 30, 1520, Montezuma II was murdered as Spanish conquistadors fled the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan. Today he gets his "revenge" by inflicting a certain embarrassing malady on tourists who visit Mexico and drink the water. Now pay attention, class:
When you're slidin' into first and you feel something burst---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're slidin' into third and you lay a juicy turd---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're slidin' into home and your shorts are filled with foam---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're sitting in your Chevy and your pants are wet and heavy---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Look at that: history, sports, biology and industrial engineering. At C&J, school's
always in session.
Have a nice Tuesday. Sorry, but I won't be able to post any more C&Js until next month. Get it? Get it??? Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"No blog post is more profound than Cheers and Jeers, for it embodies the highest ideals of snark, flatulence, puppy pics, swooshes and gongs. In reading it, Kossacks become something greater than they once were."
---Justice Anthony Kennedy
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