Chuck: Good evening, everyone. I'm Chuck Koch, your co-host for tonight's exciting event live on Fox News.
Rog: And I'm Roger-the-Codger Ailes. We're in for a treat as we watch seven of the GOP's goofiest contestants compete for the Littlest Miss Teabilly tiara. Of course, this year we may have a Littlest Mister Teabilly as the pageant has gone co-ed.
Chuck: That's right, we've opened the field to literally every toddler. As long as a rugrat has a pulse and is willing to say or do anything to win, he or she can be an official candidate. In fact, we had so many aspirants for the prize this year that we had to winnow the field. So later tonight ten finalists will compete for the Junior Teabilly tricorn crown and those who didn't make the cut are here with us now for the second-tier contest.
Rog: Just how was it determined who would qualify for the top tier or be rejected, Chuckles?
Chuck: Well, Rog, you'll notice that the program schedule doesn't have a talent competition. Those whippersnappers who completely lack any talent whatsoever were bumped down here to the Littlest Teabilly pageant. But that's not to say that they can't bring some fire and gumption to the contest. I'm sure they're going to show us what they can do to foment some truly eye-popping frenzy at the 2016 Gospel Old-time Prayer meeting.
Rog: And here they come, folks, some are walking a few steps and others are crawling but you can tell every one of them is determined to reach his or her tiny podium. Just look at this diverse field of contenders, Chuckster. We even have one Native American entrant, that little darkskinned fellow Piyush; it says here on his bio sheet that he's Indian but it doesn't specify which tribe. I say let's call him an Apache, I always liked the war dances they did in those old John Wayne westerns.
Chuck: Doesn't it make you proud to be an American, Rog? That little brave has pulled himself up by his moccasin straps to compete here today.
Rog: And here we see cutesy-pie Carly, one of possibly two little ladies in the ring this year. She's one wily and crafty tyke. Don't let her pretty smile fool you. She's grinning because she eliminated thousands of other contestants by arranging for them to be forcibly adopted overseas by Chinese families.
Chuck: Now that is a new trick and a clever move: I predict she'll grow up and run a Fortune 500 company someday with out-of-the-box strategies like that.
Rog: Little Lindsey is having a slow go on the way to the dais, that drapery-and-curtain rod outfit seems to be making it hard to move.
Chuck: Tell me, is Lindsey a boy or a girl? It's hard to tell from this angle and distance and that name could go either way.
Rog: It says on his bio that he's a boy, Chuckwad. It says he's a Southern beau who looks up to our men in uniform. That must be why he's dragging that realistic looking machine gun behind him.
Chuck: That's right and notice the string of pearls he's clutching in his other hand. His mommy just told our production assistant that Lindsey always clutches his pearls whenever he's afraid...well, let's hope nobody dresses up in a beard and turban and jumps out from under his bed, boo!, one night or he'll be asking for another pearl necklace from one of those soldiers he admires.
Rog: Who's this little feller trotting out onstage with a bone in his mouth, Chuck-a-fil?
Chuck: Why that's Ruff Ruff Ricky, who is obsessed with men with dogs and bones. You know how toddlers can be, Rog, they get fixated on something and just won't let go. Anytime he sees a man and a dog with a bone, he starts drooling and frothing like a dog himself, they say.
Rog: And there's a smart looking tot, he's got those professor type glasses on. Chuckup, I'd bet you that he could make a radio out of two coconut shells and some mango juice and rescue all of these tykes from the island.
Chuck: Don't be too sure, Rog. That's the other little Ricky, a tadpole from Texas, and while he may have the eyewear of an Einstein, he finished the last pageant wearing a dunce cap.
Rog: Now our final two anklebiters are finally reaching the dais. The debate is about to start so we're almost out of time and we don't really care who they are anyway. Let's listen in as Romper Room's very own Miss Nancy pitches the first question.
[... 1 hour later ...]
Chuck: And there you have it, folks. Between the wailing and kicking their heels against the floor, I would say every one of these candidates has demonstrated just how much they hate Obamacare, love Jesus, and eagerly anticipate another war in the Middle East.
Rog: You got that right, Chuckophilia. Not one of these patriotic American moppets would shy away from throwing a temper tantrum in Tehran if it would nuke that sellout deal that the Kenyan tyrant forced on us.
Carly in the homestretch of the outsourcing race
Chuck: While we're awaiting the judges' decision, what's your prediction for the winner tonight?
Rog: I would have to say top points go to Carly the Crusher. She showed a great deal of poise in the outsourcing race, Chucklehead. Did you see how fast she scampered up the runway and threw the lever, sending another 50,000 jobs to China? She showed America what real Teabilly values are: winning is everything, it's every toddler for himself, and if you can kick the other guy to keep him down then you can grab first place. America loves winners and America is a winner, Chuckizzles. Go USA, we're #1!
Chuck: Ummm, one of the nippers just went #2 all over Miss Nancy.