In an unprecedented event, two legendary newsmen rose up out of their graves to announce that former Senator Bernie Sanders (D Vermont) had been elected the 45th president of the United States seven months earlier in November 2016. Appearing together as a holograph on all television media outlets, Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite, both formerly of CBS News, explained to a surprised and confused nation that Sanders and his running mate, former Senator Sherrod Brown (D Ohio), had defeated Governor John Kasich (R Ohio) and Senator Marco Rubio (R Florida) in a landslide, winning the electoral college by a vote of 366 to 172.
"We had been following the election in The Heaven Daily, from Mr. Sanders' defeat of Hillary Clinton in the primaries through the election and inauguration," said Cronkite, "and were delighted by the outcome." Murrow added, "Yes, Walt, and even happier when in his first six months President Sanders passed legislation ending corporate tax loopholes and federal subsidies, raised the minimum wage to a living wage, got a Veterans Jobs Bill through a Republican filibuster in the Senate, and developed a strong initiative to convert the nation to renewable energy resources." But then one day, Murrow and Cronkite were watching American television and realized that none of the media had reported the results of the election. "It was shocking, to say the least," said Cronkite. "No one in the media had noticed that Mr. Sanders had won and was now the President of the United States." The two famous newsmen didn't know what to make of this strange turn of events. How could the American media have missed the results of an American presidential election?
Murrow and Cronkite immediately went to God and told Him what they had discovered. They reported God to have exclaimed, "What the hell? I knew these idiots were ignoring Bernie, but this is ridiculous." The Supreme Being decided to raise Murrow and Cronkite from the dead to report the news to the American people, who were completely in the dark. "He sent us back to earth and had Nicola Tessla rig up a system to have us appear on all television sets at 9 P.M. to announce the election results," said Cronkite, who had passed away in 2009. "Nicky did one heck of a job, and I must admit it was exciting to find myself back on the news again after all these years. And that's the way it is." Murrow, who died in 1965, was a bit more blunt, stating, "These putative tv journalists today couldn't find their own asses with both hands, a flashlight, and a team of Navy SEALS. It's embarrassing to see what's become of our profession. Good night and good luck."
Reaction to the broadcast was mixed. Frederick J. Ryan Jr., CEO of the Washington Post, issued a written statement. "We at the Washington Post apologize to our readers for missing such an important story. The election of an American President is a very serious event, and we should have covered it. We make no excuses except to say that we were so certain that Mr. Sanderson couldn't win that it never occurred to us to report on it. Had we thought about it, would would most certainly have done so. We intend to catch our readers up on what has been going on over the past seven months, starting with a special double issue next Sunday. And we give you our word that if Senator Sanderson chooses to run for reelection in 2020, we will be all over it. We are determined never to let this happen again."
In a hastily organized press conference on his own station, Jeff Zucker, President of CNN Worldwide, was less apologetic.
"Look, at CNN we cover the whole damned world, and sometimes stories fall through the cracks. This is obviously one of those times. Considering that CBS, the former employer of both Murrow and Cronkite, also missed the story, as well as ABC, NBC, MSNBC, Fox, and every single newspaper in the country with the exception of the Burlington Free Press [Vermont], we have nothing to apologize for. And if Murrow and Cronkite are such hot shot journalists, then how come they are both out of a job? Huh? Listen, at CNN we did more in-depth coverage of Donald Trump than any other station, even Fox. In fact, we ran specials on him along with constant interviews, and we covered every single appearance he made. We also gave you other important news, like the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian divorce and custody battle, the birth of octuplets to a 93-year-old woman in Iowa, the indictments of Governor Scott Walker and Governor Chris Christie, Chelsea Clinton and Reggie Bush gearing up for the presidential election of 2024, and our continuing coverage of the missing Malaysian airliner, a tragic event that no one in the media is even covering except for us. So we missed one. We're not perfect. Who is? We're still the best news outfit in the world, and I for one am not going to beat myself up over one little snafu."
Fox News had a somewhat different response. Megyn Kelly reported that some people had claimed to see visions of Murrow and Cronkite on their tv sets, and wondered whether this wasn't a liberal plot to cast doubt on the victorious campaign of Kasich and Rubio. Sean Hannity concurred on "The Sean Hannity Show," observing that "according to the 14th Amendment, Murrow and Cronkite are no longer citizens, so what they say doesn't matter." He added: "Moreover, also, and furthermore, we have it on good sources that China is behind this fake announcement. Using their sophisticated technology, they've made it seem like Sanders is living in the White House, they faked his inaugural ball, and they've done everything they can to fool the American people. But they couldn't fool us here at Fox.
Bill O'Reilly termed the broadcast "a complete hoax," claiming, "I just spoke with God on the phone and He told me there was nothing to it. Donald Trump is the president. Um, I mean John Kasich." Shortly thereafter, Mr. O'Reilly mysteriously disappeared and roughly 200 lbs. of salt was discovered covering his studio chair. Roger Ailes, President of Fox News, could not be reached for comment.
Meanwhile, the American people were befuddled by the broadcast. Some thought that Barack Obama was still the president. Others were of the mind that either Donald Trump or Jeb Bush had won the election. Some believed that Ronald Reagan was in the White House. And many didn't know that there had been an election.
To alleviate the confusion, President Sanders gave a brief press conference on the White House lawn, flanked by Vice President Brown and Senate Majority Leader Elizabeth Warren, and covered by PBS. "I just stepped out here to let people know that I am indeed the President of the United States. I won't be taking any questions at this time. We're busy saving Social Security and I have work to do."
Bernie Sanders, 45th President of the United States