From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Another Hillary Email Dump and Fox News Is On It
Fox Host: I'm here with our crack Fox legal analyst, Len Eaglesmythe. Len, I'm going to hold up each of the seven-thousand State Department emails from Hillary Clinton's server that were just released. Here's the first one: is this the smoking gun that will finally sink her campaign?
Len: Yes…it definitely possibly may be. It's a well-known fact that emails can and have gotten people in big trouble. This is an email, Hillary is a person, therefore it would be irresponsible to rule this out as a smoking gun.
Host: How about this email, email #2? Does this look incriminating?
Len: Excellent question. Look closely and you will see a definite pattern---there's a sender, a receiver, a subject line, a date, and underneath you can see actual words. Words are typically what get people into trouble when we speak of incriminating emails. So I'm afraid this email #2 does not look good for Hillary.
Host: Now I'm holding up email #3. This one has an entire paragraph of words. Smoking gun?
Len: Definitely absolutely without a doubt it's a possibility. But here's the thing about a possibility that is so damning: a possibility can lead to a probability and a probability can lead to a certainty and a certainty can lead to Leavenworth.
Host: Really? Are we talking a life sentence for Hillary Clinton?
Len: Possibly…if the gun is smoking, and we just don’t know at this point if that's what's coming out of the gun or not, but something definitely might be coming out of a gun. What it is at this point we just cannot say, but even though I'm not saying it, I am here to not say it with absolute conviction as a lawyer wearing a very expensive tie and pinky ring.
Host: Shocking. So shocking that, look, I'm crinkling my nose with disgust. [Crinkle crinkle crinkle.] Let's take a break and we'll be back to hold up and analyze the remaining six thousand nine hundred and ninety seven possible smoking guns and their potential to put Hillary Clinton behind bars for life.
Riveting.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Note: Please note in your geography textbooks, kids, that Mount McKinley is now called Mount Denali. Unless you're in Ohio, in which case it is now called Mount Alaskasucks. Have a great day! ---Arne Duncan
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Yom Kippur:
20
Days 'til the
Beericana Festival in Holly Springs, North Carolina:
10
Current death toll from the chemical warehouse explosions at China's Tianjin port, up from the original 17:
158
(Source: AP)
Revised GDP for the second quarter, up from 2.3%:
3.7%
(Source:
Washington Post)
Consumer Sentiment Index for July, up 11.4% from a year ago:
91.9
(Source: University of Michigan)
Date on which a billion users logged on to Facebook in a single day, a first:
8/24/15
Number of people
God is following on Twitter:
1 (Justin Bieber)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 178 (including 3 Beast Governments and 1 temple-clearing former Jesus-like Texas governor currently under indictment). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Boppin'…
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CHEERS to truth-telling on steroids. I know the name Sidney Blumenthal, but I couldn't pick the Clinton confidant out of a lineup. But after reading his description of John Boehner in one of the Hillary emails, I want to nominate him for a Pulitzer:
"Sit, Boehner, sit. Good boy."
"Boehner is despised by the younger, more conservative members of the House Republican Conference. They are repelled by his personal behavior. He is louche, alcoholic, lazy, and without any commitment to any principle," Blumenthal wrote, continuing, "Boehner has already tried to buy the members with campaign contributions and committee assignments, which he has already promised to potentially difficult members. His hold is insecure. He is not [Newt] Gingrich, the natural leader of a 'revolution,' riding the crest into power. He is careworn and threadbare, banal and hollow, holding nobody's enduring loyalty."
Blumenthal also called him a "would-be [Tom DeLay] without the whip. He's the one at the end of the lash." Boehner says the accusations are ridiculous. Of course, it would've been more convincing if he wasn't getting a swirlie from the tea party coalition at the time.
A sneak peak of Obama's new Fortress
Denali from Air Force One. It's guarded
by walruses with lasers!
JEERS to bad intel. All along the teabaggers have insisted with unerring certainty that President Obama was going to invade Texas to take their guns and bibles. They had lines of defenses set up outside every Applebee's and every Wal-Mart and even Granny Higgenbotham had herself set up with a lawn chair and a shotgun in front of the Alamo. America was counting on them to protect the homeland from the president and they promised to deliver. Turns out they all got duped: Obama actually showed up in Alaska to
take their cinnamon rolls. From now on you can just call him…
The Phantom.
CHEERS to happy endings. When I was a kid I used to think that this joke I thought up was hilarious:
Q: How long did World War II last?
A: One day. It started on September 1 and ended on September 2.
[Pees pants from laughing so hard]
Anyway...70 years ago today, President Harry Truman proclaimed September 2, 1945 as Victory Over Japan Day, ending World War Two. But Truman refused to fly onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and deliver the news under a "Mission Accomplished" banner. His exact words, I believe, were: "Only an idiot would do that."
This is not your church, Ms. Davis.
JEERS to dragging out the inevitable. The Supreme Court smacking down Kentucky clerk Kim Davis's final appeal opportunity was like the iceberg that scraped the side of the
Titanic. She won’t sink right away. Instead she'll bob around for a bit, making
bullshit statements and recruiting her fourth husband (Ahh! Three divorces means she's going to hell anyway!) to make
thinly-veiled death threats against her critics as the wheels of the legal system turn. And then, as her options run out, she'll start to sink and then disappear altogether except for appearances on the conservative grifter circuit. Meanwhile, as the media focus on this isolated tantrum, same-sex couples will continue to get married in every state in the country without the faintest sign of the wrath of God. So keep thrashing, lady. We'll just be over here on the front lawn playing
Nearer My God to Thee awaiting the inevitable. And just to rub it in: it'll be the disco version.
CHEERS to Republicans. No, wait...I mean the good kind! On September 2, 1901, President Denali's Vice President, Theodore Roosevelt, spoke the immortal words, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." A sentiment so simple, so powerful, so indelible on the wall of history, so ingrained in the national consciousness that, of course, only Glenn Beck could screw it up 108 years later:
BECK: We speak without fear, while basing it all in fact. Walk softly and carry a big stick. That ain‘t a gun, man. That is the facts.
Of course, the modern GOP would revise it a bit themselves: "Speak softly, or loudly, or however you want to speak as long as you're beating the crap out of anything that moves with a giant stick, preferably one with a nail sticking through it." Yeah...that reads better.
Six months from another
Super Bowl championship.
CHEERS to pigskin fever. With NFL concussion season a little over a week from getting underway (Patriots vs. Steelers) , it's worth noting that on this date in 1895, the first professional football game was played. The Latrobe (PA) YMCA defeated the Jeannette Athletic Club 12-0. Scandal erupted when halftime entertainer John Phillip Sousa---in the first documented "wardrobe malfunction"---reached down and "accidentally" tore off a piece of a piccolo player's stocking to reveal an exposed ankle. Thank god she was wearing a "fibula medallion" or there woulda been a riot.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 2, 2010
JEERS to real-life Catch 22s. The mining company in Chile whose employees are trapped way the hell underground can't pay their wages. But that's only half the story:
The San Esteban mining company that operates the facility has said it has no money to pay wages and is not even participating in the rescue. It has suggested it may go bankrupt and its license has been suspended by the government. ...
But Chile's Mining Minister Laurence Golborne said the government was prevented from paying the miners' salaries or pensions by the country's labour laws. Instead, they would offer the miners training to find other jobs when they come out.
How thoughtful. Meanwhile, the miners' families, apart from living each day on a knife-edge of worry and helplessness, find themselves with no money for such frivolous luxuries as, oh,
food. Never thought I'd say it, but that almost makes Massey's mines in this country look like Club Med.
[9/2/15 Update: A movie about the Chilean miners, The 33, opens in November. I won't spoil the ending. That's what Google is for.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cool science. When all the death, doom and destruction get to be too much, there's always one place I can count on to restore my faith in humanity. I'm speaking of course of Dairy Queen. But when they're closed the next-best place is, of course, NASA. I don’t know how any member of Congress who votes to slash the agency's funding can look at themselves in the mirror afterward. Despite the occasional failure, they remain the jewel in the government-funded crown, and it's just damn hard to go to their amazing web site and not come away feeling a little more Americanly exceptional. If you live under a sky, here's NASA's preview of what you'll be seeing this month:
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled death, doom and destruction.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Any leader who refuses to take Bill in Portland Maine seriously or treats Cheers and Jeers like a joke is not fit to lead."
---President Obama
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