From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Hello, October Edition
"Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people 'we’ll take care of you with free stuff.' Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that."
---Seth Meyers
"What? Black people vote so they can get 'free stuff?' The only time black people would've voted for free stuff would have been for Abraham Lincoln when the stuff they wanted to be free was themselves."
---Larry Wilmore
"One day after meeting the Pope, House Speaker John Boehner announced he is retiring. How do we get the Pope to meet Donald Trump?"
---Conan O'Brien
"The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of 'infinite.'"
---Stephen Colbert
"The surest sign of how much trouble Volkswagen is in is that people at the very top have stepped down. The CEO resigned after scrambling to do damage control, saying he was 'endlessly sorry.' Which sounded great until it turned out he was only ten percent sorry, but had rigged his mouth to artificially inflate his sorryness."
---John Oliver
"Facebook went down yesterday for the second time in a week. In fact it’s gotten so bad, people are holding up their babies to strangers and shouting, Do you ‘Like' this?!! Do you 'Like' this?!!"
---Jimmy Fallon
And one year ago:
Sarah Palin at the Values Voters Summit: Don’t retreat! You reload with truth! Which I know is an endangered species at, uh, 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue, anyway, truth.
Stephen Colbert: Yes---the truth is in short supply at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue. Because everyone at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue keeps insisting it's "a plaza in front of the Willard Hotel."
---The Colbert Report
Come on down and splash in the pool. We pulled some strings with NASA and filled it with briny Mars water. Amazingly the Martian microbes in it speak perfect American. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 2, 2015
Note: I have video proof of babies with no brains wriggling around and making horrifying sounds for three hours as people stand around trying to negotiate the lowest price for their souls. To see it, just google "Second GOP debate."
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5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day 2015:
32
Days 'til the
Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Idaho:
5
Number of Americans who currently live within three miles of an oil refinery, all of which will operate under new pollution-control guidelines announced this week by the EPA:
6 million
Estimated number of illegal abortions annually in the U.S. before the
Roe v. Wade decision:
200,000-1.2 million
(Source: Guttmacher Institute)
Inches of rain that fell on Portland, Maine Wednesday:
5.5"
Reward the U.S. is offering for information that disrupts the sale
of antiquities looted by ISIS:
$5 million
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
Statistical combinations of the cards in a 52-card deck:
80,658,175,170,943,878,
571,660,636,856,403,766,975,289,505,440,883,277,824,000,000,000,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Sometimes I literally can't believe what I'm seeing. This is one of those times.
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CHEERS to positive territory. New jobs numbers out from the Bureau of Working Stiffs, and the 142,000 new ones added in September look like this on the Calculated Risk chart:
"Official" unemployment rate holds steady at 5.1 percent. Of note: the House Speaker sector took the biggest hit, but was balanced by an uptick in the "Good Riddance You Worthless Incompetent Bastard" greeting card sector.
Happy anniversary, you two.
CHEERS to Barack and Michelle, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Don’t forget to call President and Mrs. Obama on their direct line (555-1212) tomorrow and wish 'em a happy 23rd wedding anniversary. I looked it up on the intertubes, and the 23rd-anniversary gift is
a silver platter. It'll look lovely next to the ones John McCain and Mitt Romney handed Obama his election wins on.
JEERS to a big swirling ball of trouble. The good news: Hurricane Joaquin isn't going to smash into the east coast. The bad news: it's still going to make things messy along the mid-Atlantic states. Here's the latest cone of woe from the National Hurricane Center:
You'll notice that the hurricane's path only took a gentler track after the Pope
disavowed his meeting last week with homophobic Kentucky clerk Kim Davis. A lesson as old as time: don't mess with the gays.
Good was built right into his name.
CHEERS to portraits in contrast. Forty-eight years ago today, on Oct. 2nd, 1967,
Thurgood Marshall was sworn in as the newest member of the Supreme Court---the first African-American elevated to the nation's highest bench. He once said:
"Today's Constitution is a realistic document of freedom only because of several corrective amendments. Those amendments speak to a sense of decency and fairness that I and other Blacks cherish."
Forty-eight years later there's another African-American on the bench named Clarence Thomas. He once said, "How did this pubic hair get on my Coke can?" Potato Puhtato.
CHEERS to giving the slab the boot. Another victory for the separation of church and state, and in red red red Oklahoma, no less. The Christian supremacists have been ordered to remove their marble Ten Commandments monstrosity from the capitol grounds, and remove it they will. In its place they should put something more useful. I hear grass is nice.
CHEERS to the day John McCain realized he'd made a terrible, awful, horrible, no-good mistake. Who can forget that day seven years ago this week when Katie Couric tossed the softest of softballs to vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who whiffed once…twice…and three times she's out:
The moment Sarah's handlers said,
"Yeah, she's done her last interview."
Katie Couric: And when it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this---to stay informed and to understand the world?
Sarah Palin: I’ve read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media...
Couric: But what ones specifically? I’m curious.
Palin: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years...
Couric: Can you name any of them?
Palin: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news.
The freaky part? Subscriptions to
I Have A Vast Variety Of Sources Where We Get Our News Digest tripled overnight.
Tonight on HBO's 'Real Time'
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's gettin' cold out---time to huddle around the warmth of the cathode-ray tube. (If you haven't got a cathode-ray tube, a half a cathode-ray tube will do. If you haven't got half a cathode-ray tube then God bless you.) On HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher welcomes Richard Dawkins, Dem strategist Angela Rye, Adam Gopnik of
The New Yorker, and coolest scientist in the world Neil deGrasse Tyson. New
DVD releases include Melissa McCarthy's summer hit
Spy. SNL ramps up season 41 with host Miley Cyrus. The
baseball schedule is here and the
NFL schedule is here. (The Patriots have been told not to play this weekend because they're so damn hot they might scorch the stadium---hey, don’t look at me like that, I'm just the messenger.) Hillary Clinton will be the first guest on Al Sharpton's new weekend gig at 8am on MSNBC. And John Oliver nails another gaggle of wankers Sunday night at 11 on HBO's
Last Week Tonight.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Sun. on CNN: Kossack Elizabeth Warren.
Meet the Press: Donald Trump.
CNN's State of the Union: This week it's Jake Tapper's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping. Plus: Sen. Elizabeth Warren!
This Week: Donald Trump; Chris Christie.
Face the Nation: No idea. We'll assume a Republican presidential candidate, a Republican member of Congress, and a bishop with epic jowls.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep Jason Chaffetz (R-UT)---aka the asshole who blew all credibility to hell when he put up that bogus chart at the Planned Parenthood hearing; Syria scaremongering with retired four-star General Jack Keane and former U.S. ambassador Ryan Crocker.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 2, 2005
JEERS to takebacks. General George Casey then: U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq in 2006 will be "fairly substantial." General George Casey now: "I think right now we're in a period of a little greater uncertainty than when I was asked that question back in July and March." Translation: We ain't goin' nowhere. Memo to World War II vets: start patchin' up those holes in your old uniforms. We may need ya soon.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the skinny brown guy with the funny name. No, not Barack Obama. India's favorite son, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi would've been 146 today. He pretty much wrote the book on non-violent dissent which, closer to home, was adapted to great effect by Martin Luther King, Jr., among others. In honor of his day, some timeless Gandhi wisdom:
"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment."
"Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man"
"The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
And this one, which seems especially relevant in light of the current Republican war on American democracy:
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it---always."
Good advice. Hell, it’s what got me through the Bush years.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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