Hi there, gear heads!
I'm not working on my Baja Bug because the weather is not just-so for my tastes. Too hot (yep, another heat wave coming to Southern Calif.). But it struck me, whilst thinking about the Bug, about how this primary thing has already been compared, on the GOP side, in automotive terms. Right, clown car. But what about the Democratic primary? Where are our metaphors?
This aggression will not stand. I mean, please enjoy.
Also, that's no longer a GOP clown car. More below the stylish thing.
The Democratic Primary has two fast cars in the running.
RACE: Flat out quarter-mile to Super Tuesday. In event of tie, more drag races.
1. Hillary Clinton: a Bugatti Veyron 16-cylinder. She's a highly tuned street racer, complete with a shiny fire-engine red candy paint. Comes with an experienced pit crew to keep that thing running. Once it gets out of the shop tip-top, you're dead. Issues: too many techs fiddling with the computer settings.
2. Bernie Sanders: Rat Rod, 8-cylinder, bored engine. Flat-black paint job with primer patches. No hood, so at first glance you see eight chrome exhaust pipes flaring up from the powerplant, and two massive intake scoops for the twin carbs. Is he running nitrous injection? We don't know. Runs on jet fuel. Issues: Overpowered enough to snap the bell housing on the transmission.
Other contenders are local boys trying to look good if they finish.
ANALYSIS: This is a highly anticipated contest by old school race enthusiasts who love when a hopped VW Beetle beats the stuffing out of a Porsche 911. Car & Driver says Hillary wins.
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The Republican Primary is a combo event. Think Demolition Derby meets Road Warrior.
RACE: Baja 500 (with the Mexicans removed from the sidelines)
1. Donald Trump: The Limo, powered by an odd 12-cylinder engine, but with yoooge cc-displacement. Runs on enormous ego. Completely unsuitable for an off-road event, but the Donald segmented the stretch into a quasi-ATV monstrosity, which throws tacks to blow out the tires of his competitors. Also equipped with twin-50s on the back. Issues: Tends to quit at the drop of a dime and declare bankruptcy.
2. Jeb Bush: The Chenowth. This is the only SCORE-sanctioned off-road vehicle in the race, Unlimited Class. Or, it was supposed to be a rad sand rail, until Jeb's team decided to convert it into an Edsel with a lift kit. Issues: He lost what support among the Mexicans when Trump banned them from the sidelines.
3. Ben Carson: VW 1600 Class. He's competing in Unlimited Class with a 1600-cc, and all the brain surgery on his Bosch coil and tuned exhaust won't get him past the turn where everyone dies. Issues: He's black, and GOP are only paying lip service on that.
4. Chris Christie: Ford Bronco. This modified vehicle was once the awesome in the late '60s and early '70s. Now it just contributes to traffic jams.
5. Ted Cruz: Three-wheeler ATV. He will go off course and the Mexicans will part-out his ride.
6. Carly Fiorina: Jeep, equipped with JATO rockets. This entrant was accepted on a false application, and SCORE let it slide because she literally rocketed out of nowhere. Issues: The JATO rockets run out of fuel.
All the others are looking for dust.
ANALYSIS: It's hard to call. BAJA 500 and 1000 observers contacted say that an unregulated race that includes sharp rocks along the course is impossible to predict, especially since none of the front-runners cared to equip their vehicles with skid plates.