The next time some right wing nut job tells me that we (read that secret Muslim, Obama) aren't doing “anything” to stop ISIS and the Muslim threat, instead of engaging them in some pointless discussion based on reason and fact, I’m going to just blurt it out: “To hell with carpet bombing, just nuke the middle east! -- from Syria to Pakistan.” That will solve the problem. With one bold, sweeping act we’ll get rid of ISIS, the Taliban and Al Qaeda — okay you will have to nuke areas of Africa as well — and you solve the Muslim refugee problem, because, well, you’ll have no more refugees, which may seem harsh but if you’re okay with carpet bombing then this is just so much collateral damage. You also put an end to Iran and the Palestinian problem, except, well maybe there would be some radioactive fallout on Israel. I’m sure with some advanced notice they could put up a shield or something. Although there are many Muslims living in Israel so several hours of warning might allow the “right” Israelis to get the hell out of Dodge. Many have dual citizenship in Western countries so it shouldn’t be hard to get through customs.
Now that I’m actually thinking this through and after discussing it with a retired State Department ambassador, we can’t take out the Muslims without also taking out all of the Maghreb from Morocco to Egypt. The King of Morocco is a direct blood descendant of Mohammad with the formal title of “Commander of the Faithful”. And then you can’t eliminate Pakistan without including Bangladesh which of course brings up the unfortunate fact that there are as many or more Muslims on Indian territory than in Pakistan and they must also be neutralized. This will be an inconvenience to U.S. companies like Microsoft, Apple and to Silicon Valley generally, but the money we will save on fighting terrorism can be diverted to educating U.S. programmers and customer service operators who can speak English without an accent.
Some might be concerned how Russia would react, especially since John Kasich said he would like to punch the country in the nose and Chris Christie vowed to shoot down their planes; but no worries, we will get their enthusiastic cooperation by contracting out Chechnya to them. We will also need to perform “surgically" nuclear strikes on the Southern European Muslim enclaves of Bosnia, Albania and Kosovo. China will chip in by eradicating her own Muslim minority. This could actually create an historic moment of solidarity between the U.S., China and Russia. And the rest of the world, at least what’s left of it, will know we have the power and are not afraid to use it. Talk about “shock and awe", America will be great again! Mission accomplished!
Now as absurd as this is, I’m willing to bet a good number of Trump and Cruz supporters would actually buy into the idea of this nuclear solution. Even if some of them balk they should be reminded that we’ve tried overthrowing democratically elected leaders and dictators alike, we’ve tried invading countries and setting them up with leaders more to our liking, and we've tried massive bombings. None of that has worked. The problem not only remains, but it seems, for some reason to have become worse. There is the sanctions and negotiating thing, but all we end up with are treaties which require some sort of compromise, and just make us look wimpy. In this political season of increasingly bellicose and gratuitous rhetoric, sound bites, and puffed up blowhards talking tough about walls, carpet bombing and shooting down Russian planes, it would seem this is just the kind of talk they need to take their campaigns to the next level and pump up their base going into the primaries. To Donald Trump and the rest of the GOP also-rans: you’re welcome.