Over the past months I’ve been working on capsule descriptions of some of the candidates. I’m not sure what to do with them, but I was thinking Daily Kos might be the place to publish them. Let’s find out. If you like any of these go ahead and use them. I freely give my permission.
Jeb Bush
He has answers to all the tough questions. Just don’t ask him any hypothetical ones.
He promises to serve all the men and women (mostly men) of this country.
He may not be smarter than Hillary but at least he’s smarter than his brother. Uhh, wait a minute!
Ben Carson
So the Republicans are actually going to nominate a black guy for president. That’ll happen right after pigs start flying out of their gestation pens. (ref: Chris Christie)
Chris Christie
The best governor Iowa ever had. He’d make a perfect president if everybody in the country came from Iowa.
Ted Cruz
American born and bred. At last, someone all Republicans can get behind, a real American from a long line of real Americans, true blue all the way down to the taproot. (Note to any Republicans reading this: the preceding statement was ironic, not meant to be taken at face value.)
Carly Fiorina
She’ll run the country like a business. Let’s hope it’s not Hewlett-Packard.
Lindsey Graham
He spent 39 years in the military. That was 3 major wars and a bunch of minor actions and still he never spent a single day in combat. Now that’s a real accomplishment!
Mike Huckabee
His first action on Day One? He’ll issue an Executive Order to change the Statue of Liberty. You remember that poem inscribed on it? “Send us your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” He’ll have that stuccoed over by 1 PM on January 20th.
Bobby Jindal
So the Republicans are actually going to nominate an Indian for president. See Ben Carson.
John Kasich
Somebody told me he’s more reasonable than the others. I guess we can write him off.
Sarah Palin
Forget 8 years as a senator and 4 years as secretary of state. She had almost 2 years as governor of Alaska. Chew on that, Hilary.
Rand Paul
Board certified for the presidency. Just don’t ask him which board.
Rick Perry
Not really ready for President of the United States. He’d do better as president of an independent Republic of Texas. He can keep out those millions of illegal immigrants all by himself, no help from the federal government needed or wanted. How about it, Rick? (That sound you hear in the background is half the nation collectively snickering to itself)
Mitt Romney
The great destroyer of businesses. Bill Clinton said he felt our pain. Romney went one better. He caused our pain.
Marco Rubio
A Cuban for president? How many times do we have to repeat this? See Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal.
Scott Walker
Workers in the state were getting together to fight for better pay and benefits but he put a stop to that. What he did for Wisconsin he can to do for the whole country.