This story is by special request. I sought permission to reveal personal habits from the people I’m exposing and they said “c’est la vie” (or something like that; I translated it into French to be très romantique). Like any good story it’s true, sexy, frustrating, and educational. By now I’m sure everyone has guessed that the topic is parrot masturbation with a touch of unrequited passion — that’s the frustration part. (No new parrot pics, though, since my camera is being weird.)
Jumping right to the nub of the situation, I’ll introduce the characters. Chispa, also known as formerly nearly-naked boy (due to zinc toxicity induced feather plucking), is a Patagonian Conure. His wild relatives live in tunnels on rock cliffs in Argentina and at 35,000 pairs form the largest parrot breeding colony in the world (see video below). They also fly around at night shrieking and having fun. Chispa, however, sings 2am arias in a human voice.
At first, Chispa’s masturbation season centered on what people who live with parrots call “spring hormone rush” when mating instinct is aroused and many parrots become rapturous raptors: territorial and nippy. I don’t know if it’s the new full spectrum with UV light bulb or what, but unlike the past 17 years his season is a year-round event now, although not constant and not nippy just sensual.
Chispa’s affections focus on a toy sold as “sputnik” by one company (serious concern, only one source). I keep a spare sputnik on hand so he doesn’t fret when this one is dismantled — he likes it rough. It’s just the right size for him to squat on and rub his cloaca, a bird’s all purpose lower orifice, in a seesaw like motion. When not being loved on, the sputnik toy is chewed and flung around. I guess it’s not that he likes it rough so much as he likes to be rough.
Unrequited lover is my avatar eye guy Bailey. Until recently, the object of his masturbatory lust was the small block of wood remaining from a larger wood toy, about the size of small matchbox (remember those?). It was accidentally thrown away during cleaning and the trash bin was so scary I didn’t want to fetch it out. However, once the wood block was MIA Bailey switched his attention to Chispa.
His romantic effort centers on solicitous whistling, presumably the Pionus mating call, although I’ve never heard an official Pionus mating call. Google and YouTube have nothing, so the closest I can offer is it’s reminiscent of a demure not raucous dog squeaky toy, if whistled. Cornell has audio of their flock call and it sounds like a dog toy (especially around 0:56-1:23).
I know it’s a mating call because he stands close to Chispa and stops the song occasionally to romantically regurgitate with elaborate head thrusts. Generally all he receives for this attention is a bit of aggressive “go away” posturing from Chispa who isn’t giving up one inch of his authority as The Boss of Everything Everywhere All-The-Time and saves his affection for sputnik. Or maybe it’s because he figures being second best to a chewed up wood block isn’t romantic.
What about you, any romantic regurgitation or is that too kinky? Are sputniks more your style?