From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Late Night Snark: The Silly Season Continues...
Clip of Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) on why Republicans can't hold hearings on Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland: Right now the political arena is toxic, difficult and terrible to bring this nominee up at this time.
John Oliver: Hold on. The atmosphere is too toxic to bring him up? You are the one making it toxic! I live by a hard and fast rule: you do not get out of doing the dishes just because you took a shit in the sink.
---Last Week Tonight
“Donald Trump says that if he is president he’ll punish women who have abortions. Although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be---y’know, aside from Donald Trump being the president.”
---Conan O'Brien
"Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time. The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.”
---James Corden
“Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season and said, ‘There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist...I mean, Bernie Sanders.’”
---Seth Meyers
"The National Enquirer says that five women had extramarital affairs with Ted Cruz. I personally don’t believe this is true. I'm not saying he doesn’t enjoy screwing women, he just does it by defunding Planned Parenthood."
---Bill Maher
And eight years ago this week:
"This week on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous internet feuds. Anything to keep them off the ‘casual encounters’ section on Craigslist."
---Stephen Colbert
And then the site imploded and was never heard from again. Insert smiley face here.
So. Anyway. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 1, 2016
Note: Today is April Fools Day. It's the day we have permission to put our scruples aside, make up wild stories and endlessly bullshit people. Or as they call it in Washington, D.C.: Friday.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2016 White House Science Fair: 12
Days 'til the Nano Beer Fest in Portland, Oregon: 9
Amount by which the TSA cut its workforce over the last 3 years because they thought that the faster "Pre-Check" program would result in shorter lines at airport security areas, according to AP: 10%
Percent chance TSA was horribly wrong, resulting in regular passengers now being told to show up "at least" 2 hours ahead of their flight to deal with the lines: 100%
Length of the underground "refrigeration wall" that was just switched on to freeze the earth under the Fukushima-Daichi nuclear reactor to contain radioactive water: 0.9 miles
Cost of the wall: $312 million
The last time there weren’t any Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs, as there won’t be this year: 1970
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to April! Wikipedia tells me that "The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, 'to open,' in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to open. ... Zodiac signs for the month are Aries (until April 19) and Taurus (April 20 onwards)."
And what a packed month, including primary-season action in Wisconsin, Wyoming, New York, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Totally Not Iceland. Baseball season is almost here (Go Sox of the reddish variety!), the Masters golf tournament starts next week, the flowers go full "Poink!", plus there's Earth Day, Patriots Day (when Tom Brady dresses up as George Washington and throws a touchdown on Lexington Green), Arbor Day, Passover, National 8-Track Tape Day, Administrative Professionals Day, Game of Thrones premieres on the 24th, the Pulitzers get handed out for the 100th time starting on the 18th, and please let Elvis & Nixon become a minor movie classic on the 22nd. On the downside, taxes are due and this weekend the highs in Maine are going to be near freezing with lows in the teens. Wake me up in May, kthx.
CHEERS and JEERS to two sides of the same employment report. The March numbers from the Bureau of Workin' Stiffs came out this morning. (Economic guru Jared Bernstein’s analysis is here.) Here's the official chart, with the usual reminder that the Bush legacy is on (of all places) the far left:
Here's my expert assessment: 215,000 new jobs (36k in health care alone), more people entering the workforce, unemployment rate still at a decent 5 percent. On the downside: manufacturing jobs took a hit, wage gains are still mediocre, income inequality among women and minorities is still a thing, and the earth is still on track to go Splorp! when it hits the sun and we die. Economics---a cruel science.
JEERS to crazy fool stunts. On April 1, 1930, baseball Hall-of-Famer Leo "Gabby" Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs broke some kind of altitude record by catching a baseball dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles. He caught the ball awkwardly, and it broke his jaw. We think someone should faithfully re-enact that stunt on its 86th anniversary with complete historical accuracy. Is Ted Cruz busy tonight?
JEERS to southern inhospitality. Wow---what a wild two weeks for civil rights in the south. North Carolina declared open season on its own LGBT citizens, but Georgia and Virginia declined to follow suit. That gave the heroes a 2-1 edge over the villains. But now the score is close to being all tied up, thanks to Mississippi's Wednesday night jump shot:
Mississippi is one vote and one signature away from enacting what may be the strictest anti-LGBT law yet. […]
The bill would…allow businesses to turn away customers or prospective employees by citing [religious] beliefs, without repercussions. It would allow employees of county circuit clerks' offices, which issue marriage licenses in the state, to refuse service to same-sex couples if they object to the marriage on religious grounds, also without repercussions.
It could be used to discriminate against single parents and even conceivably allow employers to fire female workers for wearing pants, as it protects employers' and schools' right to maintain "sex-specific standards or policies concerning employee or student dress or grooming."
BUT…an elegant solution may have presented itself late yesterday when a federal judge ruled that Mississippi's adoption law against same-sex parents is unconstitutional. So here's the plan: all you same-sex couples in the Magnolia State: adopt one million kids and raise them to be Democratic voters. I think that'll fix the problem---and a lot of others there, too.
CHEERS to working things out. Yesterday Donald Trump's motorcade rushed to RNC headquarters in Washington for an emergency meeting with the party chairman. Sources say the key points the Republican front-runner reiterated to Reince Priebus were "Sit," "Stay," "Roll over" and "Beg."
CHEERS to---squeaky squeaky!---that clean plate sound. On this date in 1889, the first dishwashing machine was marketed in Chicago. We have one in our house---a rescue mutt named Haley. Upside: she saves us a bundle on electricity. Downside: poops way more than a Kenmore.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The big story this weekend in terms of eyeballs-to-screen time is---[takes deep breath]---Star Wars Episode VII is out in streaming high-def!!! Star Wars Episode VII is out in streaming high-def!!! (Here's where to find it.) If that don’t float your Imperial-Class Star Destroyer, other new DVD/streaming options include Quentin Tarantino's too-long-by-far bloody mess The Hateful Eight and the biopic Concussion with Will Smith. As for actual TV stuff, Peter Dinklage hosts SNL. NCAA hoops action (womens and mens) reduces the final fours to the triumphant twos. The hockey schedule is here (the Bruins will have St. Louis "singin' the blues" ha ha ha ha!!!) and the NBA schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: another prison system (Germany's) that's a lot more humane and successful than ours. The Simpsons is a groundbreaker Sunday night as Smithers finally comes out and Homer tries to find him a boyfriend. (The script was inspired by writer Rob LaZebnik's's gay son.) And at 11 John Oliver returns to HBO's Last Week Tonight for another round of sacred-cow skewering.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: No idea. But judging by the trend below, I’d guess Donald Drumpf and his rose petal strewer Reince Priebus.
CNN's State of the Union: The Birdman of Burlington!!! Plus Jake tapper will get RNC chairman Reince Priebus to say a few words if he can slide his microphone far enough under his bed.
This Week: Bernie!!! Plus Donald Drumpf’s goofy handyman Reince Priebus; John kasich.
Face the Nation: Donald Drumpf and his faithful servant RNC chairman Reince Priebus; new battleground tracker poll numbers. No Democrats.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Donald Drumpf and his lapdog RNC chairman Reince Priebus. No Democrats.
Happy viewing!
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Eleven years ago in C&J: April 1, 2005
Top 10 Things I'm going to do when C&J premieres on the Daily Kos Front Page next week:
10. Since "Bill in Portland Maine" is hard to pronounce, change my screen name to"Bill Gannon."
9. To cut costs, stop changing the air filters in the diaries section.
8. Slip "Koufax Award-winning" into every item.
7. Change underwear (it's that time of year anyway).
6. Make a horrendous encoding mistake, shutting down the site for 3 days.
5. Start interpreting the Bible literally. Everyone who deserves a stoning, gets a stoning.
4. Start enriching C&J with Vitamin C, folic acid and riboflavin.
3. Find out once and for all what the hell a "blog" is.
2. Walk up to Armando, press my finger into his chest and say, "I'm putting you on notice, cowboy."
And #1: Look you in the eye and say, "I told you it wasn't an April Fool's joke."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Rachel Maddow---TV host, razor-sharp political analyst, hypocrisy slayer, Rhodes Scholar and birthday chick! MSNBC's brightest bulb turns 43 today. (I'm old enough to be her father, assuming I sired a child at 8.) Every night, piece by piece and brick by brick, she dismantles the GOP monolith and corporate shennanigans with such grace and dexterity that her conservative guests usually end up thanking her for the gutting. She's been particularly tough over the past year on the Flint lead-poisoning crisis, and her evisceration of Republican Governor Rick Snyder is a big reason why it's actually in doubt as to whether he finishes out his term. She tolerates no BS---and that's why we love her. In her honor, champagne cocktails all around:
Cheers, Rachel, and---everybody say it with me---many blessings on your camels.
Have a nice weekend. Ha Ha! That was another April Fool's Day joke because what I really mean is have a pleasant weekend. You TOTALLY fell for it! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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