I have shared my story recently as comments in a few diaries, but I left out many details, one of which is that my husband and I suffer from fertility issues. I had only become pregnant due to medical assistance, assistance that was not covered by insurance and was also quite expensive. My baby was extremely wanted, for whatever that is worth. When we learned “we were pregnant,” we were ecstatic. I felt so very blessed at the beginning, I had absolutely no idea that things might go so horribly wrong. What pregnant mother ever does? We had done it, we had overcome the obstacles and were going to have a baby! Those days were a magical high-point on my roller-coaster ride.
Fast forward to the day I learned the awful news, at a prenatal appointment to check on the progress of the pregnancy. I went into a tiny little room that had a sonogram machine, got on the table, and had jelly spread on my belly to prepare for the ultrasound. I’m laying there, trying to “see” the image on the screen, while the doctor gently pushes a wand over me and describes what she is seeing. I had to take her word for it because I could not comprehend the images. She finds the heart, and I could see it beating and also hear it beating, and it sounded so tiny and strong. And then the doctor gets kind of quiet, and I look at her and she has this still and horrified look on her face that will never be erased from my brain. Here in 2016, I’m noticing that I actually stop breathing during the instants when I recall that face in my mind. She tells me that something is very wrong, and then everything becomes surreal. Something is apparently wrong with the baby based on this image on the screen, an image that makes absolutely no sense to me. The doctor is very serious, so I know I have to pay attention, but I almost don’t believe her because none of this can really be happening, and what on earth can she see in that scrambled image of black and white that is so very awful? Is this a cruel joke or something? Where is the hidden camera? And that heartbeat, that tiny heartbeat, I can still hear it in my memory as she is speaking to me … there is life inside of me, and it seems so strong, and I know that I am it’s mother.
I get a little fuzzy about the next parts. The machine gets turned off and she starts to talk about options. She never uses the word abortion, she only says “D&C”, but she is recommending that I have one. And I am stunned. It is only in that moment that I begin to understand my own true feelings about abortion. Before that moment came I was pro-choice for all other women, but personally against it for myself. I had tried to live my life in such a way that I’d never have to face the decision because it is such a gut-wrenching one. But I was also an older mother; I knew that I was at greater risk for a variety of birth defects. Ironically, I had granted myself permission to end the pregnancy if the health of the baby was compromised. But in this moment of truth, I wavered. In this moment, I needed to hear from the doctors that they were absolutely certain that my baby would not live. Hearing that heartbeat affected me deeply, I did not want to abandon the life that was inside of me.
I don’t remember the exact details now; I vaguely remember that she could not answer my question that day but knew of someone with whom she could consult. In the end, I got my answer: the baby would not live. I most certainly was going to have a miscarriage, I could either wait for it to occur naturally or I could have a D&C. It was pretty much the same situation that the poor woman in Texas faced, a doomed pregnancy, except she was denied the opportunity to have the D&C.
I had no idea what a miscarriage actually was — would I see tiny hands or feet, would it happen in the middle of the night, would it happen when I was all alone, would there be pain? Would there be blood? I remembered the look on the doctor’s face … then my emotions suddenly shifted and I felt as if I had a “thing” living inside of me, like in one of those alien movies. I was a host for this thing that was living inside of me, almost like a parasite, and the feeling was unbearable. It was not a baby anymore, it was a growth, it was a cancer, and i wanted it out of my body as soon as possible. My heart especially breaks at these gruesome words about Taylor’s experience:
The complex gamut of emotions she had to endure is indescribable. On top of everything else there is this feeling of holding, of being, a ticking time bomb that you know is going to go off, you just don’t know exactly when. The feeling is frightening, exhausting, and unbearable.
I am so grateful that I was allowed to have a D&C, that I was not denied the benefits of modern medicine. I was lucky, I was blessed, women like Taylor who are caught up by draconian late-term abortion regulations are not. Not only must they experience the initial tragedy of losing their beloved baby, they are then forced to immediately endure a second and perhaps more gruesome tragedy. Why? For what purpose? To meet the “compelling needs” of the state to ensure that they are not callously and intentionally harming their baby? I want to make it as clear to the world as I possibly can that such “needs of the state” are delusional, paranoid, and indifferent to the suffering of innocent and already traumatized mothers.
how do These traps get set?
I have to wonder where the idea to pass late-term abortion regulations came from in the first place. Who actually knows any woman who waited until the last trimester and then decided to end an otherwise healthy pregnancy? Who has a sister, mother, aunt, cousin, friend, enemy, or acquaintance who has done this? We read about murders and robberies and crimes of all kinds every day. We read about adults caught abusing children in horrible ways: keeping them in cages, dark closets, chained to beds … Have you EVER heard about a woman who had been accused of taking steps to killing her healthy unborn child in the last trimester? It does not happen. it is unicorns and fairy dust. It does not even happen on the Lifetime channel.
Where did this idea come from, that significant numbers of women are voluntarily choosing to end healthy pregnancies in the latter months, and that laws were necessary to prevent these callous evil-doers from their callous evil-doing? My theory is that a politician is to blame. I imagine that one got a focus group together to talk about abortion, and asked
“What would be the worst possible abortion that you can think of?”
And the answer came back, “one in the ninth month that involves a healthy baby that is viable”. And everyone in the focus group agrees, YES, YES, that would be awful. Then the politician did some survey testing, and lo and behold, everyone and their brother agrees, late term abortions are the most awful thing ever. And then some smart guy decides to ask about the details of how abortions are performed, and guess what?, the details sound really icky. Soon after, the term partial-birth abortion appears in the lexicon; more focus group testing is performed; and everyone agrees, YES, YES, that is EVEN MORE AWFUL! Women who have one of those are certainly immoral floozies that should have the book thrown at them.
But just because one can have an idea in one’s head does not mean that the idea is actually true. Yes, we can imagine a woman aborting her perfectly healthy fetus in the last trimester for no good reason; but before we pass a law, isn’t it important to know how many women IN THE LAND OF REALITY are actually doing this? I submit to you that the answer is a number very close to zero. I submit to you that this awful notion is just a scandalous idea that polls well, and that clever politicians have come to realize it wins them cheap and easy political points. Such regulations are “feel-good” legislation that enables voters to think: hooray for politician Joe for saving innocent babies from their heartless mothers; hooray for me for giving support to such a noble cause; I like Joe, I sure feel good about the work that he is doing; in fact I think I’ll make a donation to him right now before I forget.
But it’s all damn fairy tales and make believe — no actual problems have been solved, no innocent babies have been saved. EVEN WORSE, traps have now been set for hapless mothers like Taylor Mahaffey. The pain and grief caused by these laws is rarely seen, so well-intentioned voters don’t even realize the traps they have set with their votes. The hearts of so many people are huge …. and that is truly lovely and great and wonderful … but good intentions are not enough. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. These “feel good” laws lead directly to hell, and voters need to understand this when they are casting their ballots. When they lend their political support to politicians who are in favor of late-term abortion regulations, they become culpable for the horrific experiences that women like Tayor Mahaffey are ultimately forced to endure. They built that.
How do we keep women free?
There was a time when many feminists were single issue voters, and any politician who was not pro-choice would not receive their vote. If you hold such views I ask you to consider expanding your view of women’s reproductive rights, if you have not done so already, and insist that politicians stop participating in the shaming and scapegoating of women in the latter months of their pregnancy. I ask you to be resolved that restrictions on late term abortions trap and torture innocent women. I ask you to insist that the only acceptable pro-choice view is that women do not suddenly become monsters after 20 weeks, and the decision about whether to terminate a pregnancy belongs only to the woman and her doctor and her family until the fetus is viable.
We are currently in the midst of a political election, a time when we are allowed to express our political support in the form of casting our votes. At the Fox News Democratic Presidential Town Hall event held on March 7th, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton were both asked questions about abortion. Sanders responded to say he believes the decision should always be limited to the woman, her physician and her family. Clinton responded to say she is open to restrictions on late-term abortion. I’ve attached video and transcripts of each of their complete responses on this topic below.
Bernie Sanders
The relevant bits are between 18:15 and 19:50 in the clip below (also available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t9s-QCT9jg)
Transcript
BAIER: Another health care type question, Senator. Can you name a single circumstance at any point in a pregnancy in which you would be OK with abortion being illegal?
SANDERS: It's not a question of me being okay. This will - thank you for the question, but I happen to believe -- and let me be very clear about it. I know not everybody here will agree with me. I happen to believe that it is wrong for the government to be telling a woman what to do with her own body.
SANDERS: I think, I believe, and I understand there are honest people. I mean, I have a lot of friends, some supporters, some disagree. They hold a different point of view, and I respect that. But that is my view.
And I'll tell you something which I don't like in this debate. There are a whole lot of people out there who tell me the government is terrible, government is awful, get government off our backs. My Republican friends want to cut Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare - Medicaid, education. But somehow on this issue, they want to tell every woman in America what she should do with her body.
BAIER: I guess the genesis of the question is that there are some Democrats who say after five months, with the exception of the life of the mother or the health of the baby, that perhaps that's something to look at. You're saying no.
SANDERS: I Am very strongly pro-choice. that is a decision to be made by the woman, her physician and her family. That's my view.
Hillary Clinton
The relevant bits are between 4:40 and 6:44 in the clip below (also available at
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kij9CAo4C-Y)
Transcript
BAIER: I want to ask you about a question I asked Senator Sanders. Do you think a child should have any legal rights or protections before its born? Or do you think there should not be any restrictions on any abortions at any stage in a pregnancy?
CLINTON: Well, again, let me put this in context, because it's an important question. Right now the Supreme Court is considering a decision that would shut down a lot of the options for women in Texas, and there have been other legislatures that have taken similar steps to try to restrict a woman's right to obtain an abortion.
Under Roe v. Wade, which is rooted in the Constitution, women have this right to make this highly personal decision with their family in accordance with their faith, with their doctor.
It's not much of a right if it is totally limited and constrained.
So I think we have to continue to stand up for a woman's right to make these decisions, and to defend Planned Parenthood, which does an enormous amount of good work across our country.
BAIER: Just to be clear, there's no -- without any exceptions?
CLINTON: No -- I have been on record in favor of a late pregnancy regulation that would have exceptions for the life and health of the mother.
I object to the recent effort in Congress to pass a law saying after 20 weeks, you know, no such exceptions, because although these are rare, Bret, they sometimes arise in the most complex, difficult medical situation.
BAIER: Fetal malformities and...
CLINTON: And threats to the woman's health.
BAIER: Sure.
CLINTON: And so I think it is -- under Roe v. Wade, it is appropriate to say, in these circumstances, so long as there's an exception for the life and health of the mother.
I was surprised and disappointed to learn that Clinton is open to late term abortion restrictions, “so long as there's an exception for the life and health of the mother”. As I understand Hillary’s words, she is expressing support for settled law under Roe vs. Wade, which tries to balance the rights to privacy of the woman with the legitimate interests of the State.
See Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113, 162 ("We repeat, however, that the State does have an important and legitimate interest in preserving and protecting the health of the pregnant woman, whether she be a resident of the State or a non-resident who seeks medical consultation and treatment there, and that it has still another important and legitimate interest in protecting the potentiality of human life.").
Note that It was on the basis of “protecting the potentiality of human life” that Texas law HB2 was passed. And it was because of this so-called “Women’s Health Law,” that Taylor Mahaffey was deemed ineligible to have an abortion: the baby was doomed, but both she and her baby were healthy, so grounds for an exception to this law did not exist. The regulations on late-term abortions enacted in the state of Texas were directly responsible for the grief this family went through.
The doctors and nurses at St. David’s Medical Center in Austin cried with them, but said because of Texas law HB2, they could not help speed Taylor’s labor. Technically, the baby was healthy and the mother was healthy, so to induce labor would be an abortion, and to do it at this stage in the pregnancy would be illegal.
20 weeks is a magic number. Up until 20 weeks, the woman and her doctor get to decide what is best for her, as specified by Roe v Wade. After 20 weeks, restrictions can be enacted. Which Texas did. Their law wasn’t written well enough, because legislators are not doctors, what the hell do they know about all the different scenarios that might play out, and so this poor family got caught in the web. Guess what? If I had lived in Texas, I might have been caught in that same damn web. I could have been forced to continue my “pregnancy” until a miscarriage finally occurred on it’s own, whether that would have taken days or weeks or longer. And I go a little bit crazy thinking that there but for the grace of God go I. It could have been me, and now I feel have an obligation to speak out even though I suspect many here will be upset at me for doing so.
I submit to you that legislators are not doctors and should not be practicing medicine. IMHO, Bernie Sanders is right on this issue. IMHO, Hillary Clinton is wrong. As Bernie said,
SANDERS: I Am very strongly pro-choice. that is a decision to be made by the woman, her physician and her family. That's my view.
In my situation, my life and health were never at risk. Only my baby’s health was at risk. Late-term abortion restrictions that only allow for the life and the health of the women are not good enough. As I understand Clinton’s words, she would allow restrictions that would have affected someone like me. If late-term abortion laws are not written to allow exceptions for the life and the health of the baby, then it is illegal to end a pregnancy when birth defects of any kind are detected. There are many people in this world that believe abortion is wrong in all cases, even when a child has severe fetal malformities. If you are up to it, I invite you to read this story from the pro-life community, Baby Marley Born With Anencephaly Gives Hope to Others. But I warn you, the images are disturbing. I think that my fetus might have had anencephaly; maybe that explains the look that I saw on my doctor’s face.
When Marley was first diagnosed, Kari scoured Facebook for the term anencephaly and found numerous groups of moms who had babies with the condition. The moms in the Facebook groups had given Kari a great deal of support, but a lot of the moms had been pressured to end the life of their child. Doctors told them that abortion or induced labor was the best choice because their babies weren’t going to survive outside of the womb. This was heartbreaking for Kari, so she created a Facebook page for Marley to give hope to other parents struggling with the same issue, and to bring meaning to Marley’s life.
“I tell moms that [doctors] can’t force you,” says Kari, “I have never seen a mother on this page who carried her baby and had regret. The only ones with regret are the ones who terminated or induced. And it’s sad. I don’t have a single regret. I don’t for a single second regret carrying her. I knew she was my baby. I’m not going to end her life. That’s in God’s hands, how long she lives for. If she could have lived forever, I would have loved that.”
In other diaries, comments have been made that using tragedies like Tayloy Mahaffey’s “for political gain” is repulsive. One invited me to write my own diary, which I have now done.
Such comments remind me of calls from the right after the Newtown tragedy (and every other instance of massive gun violence) that it was despicable to try to “seek political gain” from the event. For them, there is never a good time to talk about the relationship of gun control laws to the violence that results from it.
Here there has been a tragedy that is directly related to late term abortion regulation, and many people expressed their outrage at what Taylor and her family had endured. But apparently I am a despicable person for feeling the need to point out that there is a key difference in the attitudes of our party nominees on this issue. I wonder ...
- when is the appropriate time to talk about the relationship between late term abortion restrictions and tragedies such as the one experienced by the Mahaffey family?
- when is the appropriate time to highlight and object to Hillary Clinton’s stance on late term abortion restrictions?
- when is it appropriate to ask, why does Hillary Clinton believe that the abortion rights of women like me are not worth protecting?
Those on the right demonize the families of the Newtown victims.
I fear that some on the left will demonize me for speaking out. So be it. I’ve been living as a Christian heretic for many years now. I’ve gotten rather used to the feeling of being an outcast.
My goal with this diary is to highlight awareness that
- Women who have late term abortions are not monsters who should be ashamed
- Restrictions on late term abortions trap and torture innocent women
I sincerely hope that our next Democratic nominee agrees with me on this. If we could collectively get Hillary to shift on this issue, I would be thrilled. If we want her to shift, how would we do it? How do we tell her that Democrats agree — Restrictions on Late Term Abortions are EVIL?
Finally, I also want to HIGHLY recommend a wonderful diary that did not make the rec list (apparently 70+ recs was not enough): What Bernie Actually Said About Abortion & how his position is significantly more pro-woman