From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark (and Other Tasty Bits)
“According to a new poll that just came out, fifty percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other fifty percent are a group calling themselves women."
---Conan O'Brien
“If you’re looking for somebody to come to the defense of one Republican who’s being attacked by another, you should probably ask somebody else.”
---White House press secretary Josh Earnest, being questioned about John Boehner referring to Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.”
"Today Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election."
---Jimmy Fallon
“We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at a Hooters in Texas.”
---James Corden
"From 1999 to 2007, [Republican Dennis Hastert] was Speaker of the House, during which time he called on lawmakers to ‘put repeat child molesters in jail for the rest of their lives.’ … [But] he abused at least five boys when he was their wrestling coach---he had a reclining chair set up in front of the shower so he could watch them take showers! Jared from Subway is going right now, 'Why the hell didn’t I run for Speaker of the House?'"
---Jimmy Kimmel
"To all those lawmakers out there who are so obsessed with who is using what bathroom and what 'plumbing' they got 'downtown,' news flash: you're the weirdos."
---Stephen Colbert
Interviewer: “Can Hillary Clinton really pick a woman as her VP?”
Former White House Communications Director Anita Dunn: “There is some precedent for having a running mate of the same gender.”
---MSNBC
And one year ago this week:
"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!"
---David Letterman
Thank god Jeb stopped him early, amiright? Whew---dodged a bullet there. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 29, 2016
Note: Cruz-Fiorina 2016. Woot. Or whatever. ---This message paid for by the RNC, because we can’t blow all our money on riot gear for Cleveland.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Cinco de Mayo: 6
Days 'til the Reno River Festival: 9
Projected number of Latinos who will vote nationwide in 2016, according to the National Association of Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO): 13.1 million
Latinos who voted in 2012 and 2008, respectively: 11.2 million, 9.7 million
Percent of Hillary Clinton's cabinet members who will be women, according to Hillary Clinton: 50%
Average airline fare last year, the lowest since 2010 (thanks, Obama), according to the Transportation Department: $377
Viewership so far of the season 6 opener of Game of Thrones: 10.7 million
-
Puppy Pic of the Day:
Puppy's first time on grass…..
-
CHEERS to poll dancing. If you're getting tired of seeing nothing but primary horserace-related numbers, here are some new ones that'll make you smile: First up from Pew Research on the big picture (hat tip to Kossack Torta):
The Republican Party’s image, already quite negative, has slipped since last fall.
33% of the public has a favorable impression of the Republican Party, while 62% have an unfavorable view. Unfavorable opinions of the GOP are as high as at any point since 1992. […] By contrast, public views of the Democratic Party are unchanged since October. 45% of the public has a favorable impression of the Democratic Party, while 50% have an unfavorable opinion. Just 28% of independents view the Republican Party favorably, while 37% say they have a favorable impression of the Democratic Party.
Granted, neither party is viewed as a knight in shining armor, but aren't you glad the numbers aren't reversed? Me too. And then Gallup compares the popularity of the legislative and executive branches:
With President Barack Obama's job approval rating up nearly three percentage points in the first quarter, he continues to maintain a wide lead in approval over the popularity-challenged U.S. Congress. In fact, if maintained, the 34-percentage-point gap between Obama's 49% average job approval rating thus far in 2016 and the 15% average approval rating for Congress would be the widest of Obama's presidency, and one of the largest Gallup has measured since 1981.
His average lead over Congress since 2009: 30 points. Saint Ronald Reagan's average lead: 13. That's gotta hurt the crazies' feefees. The upshot: Team D is way-better positioned than Team R for widespread victories in November, and outgoing President Obama---unlike his predecessor, who remains locked in a supply closet with his veep at RNC headquarters---will be a strong surrogate when the general election season heats up. And just wait'll they unleash The Biden!
CHEERS to the senior senator from Michigan. Happy Birthday, Debbie Stabenow! Born in Gladwin (just up the road apiece from my former stomping grounds in Bay City), she turns [redacted] today and we salute her for her 41 years of public service, which she started humbly in 1975 by getting elected to the Ingham County Board of Commissioners. From there she moved upward and onward to the state House, the state Senate, the U.S. House and, since 2001, the U.S. Senate. (In her last election, she destroyed Pete Hoekstra 58%-38%. That was fun.) Yesterday she delivered some good news for poor, lead-poisoned Flint:
U.S. Senators Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) and Gary Peters (D-MI) announced that the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works passed their bipartisan agreement to help families in Flint and other communities across the country.
Their agreement was part of the Water Resources Development Act (WRDA), which passed committee 19-1 and is ready for a vote before the full Senate. […] The Stabenow-Peters agreement provides an immediate $100 million in new federal funding to an emergency infrastructure program under the Safe Drinking Water Act. […]
This funding will only be available to a community, like Flint, that received a federal emergency declaration by the President due to a public health threat from high amounts of lead in the water. This language is required because of the Congressional ban on earmarks.
In her honor, tonight in the C&J kiddie pool we're bobbing for sugar beets.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Real Estate. On tomorrow’s date in 1803, Robert Livingston and James Monroe concluded a deal with France that increased the size of the United states by 828,000 square miles. Price tag: $23,000,000. We know it as The Louisiana Purchase. Century 21 agents know it as "The holy grail of commission checks."
CHEERS to Hillary's Jedi sparring partner. File this under "Tempus Fugits when you're feelin' the Bern." One year ago tomorrow Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont made his low-key announcement:
Bernie Sanders is in.
"After a year of travel, discussion and dialogue, I have decided to be a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president," he wrote in the email, highlighting economic inequality, climate change and the Citizens United Supreme Court decisions as key issues spurring him to run. […]
In interviews before his campaign announcement, Sanders said trade, income inequality and health care would be key tenants of his run. But despite having vocal liberal supporters on these issues, Sanders is a dark horse candidate and has acknowledged that his run will be uphill. A CNN/ORC poll in March found that Sanders has the support of only 3% of Democratic voters.
On paper he's a freakin' dream candidate. Even with the recent (and inevitable, but by no means cataclysmic) nastiness that's broken out, Bernie has stayed on-message, run a well-oiled campaign, kept Hillary from straying to the mushy middle, displayed a sharp sense of humor, drawn massive crowds, enjoyed high favorables, raised buckets of money from small donations, and persuaded a new generation of Those Darn Kids to embrace progressive ideas and ideals. Oh, and he's also done a lot of winning in the process---just not quite enough. His will likely not be the butt parked behind the resolute desk in January, but he's now a bona fide American political folk hero with more common sense and integrity than the entire GOP "deep bench" [snort!] put together. This weekend to mark the anniversary, all the combs in our house will do nothing but gather dust.
JEERS to Nazi Nuptials. With Russian artillery booming in the background, Adolf and Eva got hitched in der Fuhrerbunker 71 years ago today. Instead of a ring, Hitler presented his bride with an iron Cross. It pretty much went downhill after that. By the way, the 71st anniversary present for a dead Nazi is 71 more centuries in Hell. (And Mad Dog 357 Hot Sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. The last weekend of April is here already??? Cheesum crow, this year is flying by, but I hope the weekend takes its sweet time. The boob-tubage starts tonight with Rachel Maddow and then HBO's Real Time, where Bill Maher talks with Rob Reiner, author Thomas Frank, journalist Mark Leibovich, Lucifer in the flesh’s super PAC runner Kellyanne Conway, and Humane Society president Wayne Pacelle. After that, VICE host Shane Smith travels to Tehran to visit a nuclear reactor and gauge attitudes there on the 2015 multi-nation nuclear agreement. The most noteworthy new DVD release this week is the foreign film Oscar-winner Son of Saul. The hockey playoff schedule is here, the NBA playoff schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. (Crush ze Yankees, Red Sox! Crush zem like bug under shoe!) Tomorrow night President Obama slays his opponents with jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner (more on that below). @Midnight host and very funny person Chris Hardwick has a stand-up special Saturday night on Comedy Central. Sunday on 60 Minutes: a company sells faulty protective equipment to medical personnel dealing with Ebola. Funniest-comedy-on-TV Veep airs Sunday at 10:30 on HBO, but not before the King Trump accuses Brienne of playing the woman card on Game of Thrones.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Lucifer in the flesh; Ron Fournier and Thomas Friedman are on the panel, so if you plan to tune in, take your blood thinners at least an hour early.
This Week: Lucifer in the flesh; former defense secretary Robert Gates; E.J. Dionne.
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! Plus: Lucifer in the flesh; Colonel Lindsey Graham; and Trump convention manager Paul Manafort.
CNN's State of the Union: Hillary!!! Also: Lucifer in the flesh.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Donald Trump and Lucifer in the flesh.
Wow. The bookers all contacted Lucifer. I’m sure the devil made ‘em do it.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 29, 2006
JEERS to spending our tax dollars over there so we won't have to spend them over here. The cost of the War on Exploding Donkey Carts is now exceeding even worst-case scenarios. Current price tag: $319,999,999,999.99 ($320 billion minus the volume discount). Of course that number is misleading. Take out the profiteering and it's only costing $50 billion. Wait...that still sucks.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the night of a thousand narcissists. The White House Correspondents Dinner is tomorrow night. Yes, it's the worst kind of kissy-kissy fest among the Washington political elite and their lapdogs in the media. But President Obama is always worth watching for his excellent comic timing, and since this is his last year I suspect he'll swing for the cheap seats. Plus once in awhile the comedian who hosts it (The Nightly Show’s Larry Wilmore this year) lands a blow or two:
"Dick Cheney is a scary man. I tell my kids, if two cars pull up and one has a stranger and the other car has Dick Cheney, you get in the car with the stranger!"
---Wanda Sykes, 2009
"I stand by [President Bush] because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers. And rubble. And recently-flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully-staged photo ops in the world."
---Stephen Colbert, 2006
"The board of governors had a meeting and drew up some ground rules for tonight's talk. For example, there are a number of subjects I've been instructed to avoid. … Newt Gingrich's first wife, Bob Dole's first wife, Phil Gramm's first wife, Dick Armey's first wife, Rush Limbaugh's first wife, Rush Limbaugh's second wife, and Rush Limbaugh's third wife."
---Al Franken, 1994
"I'm not going to tell you politicians how to do politics. That would be like you guys telling me what to do with my body."
---Cecily Strong, 2015
The pre-game smoochfest starts at, I believe, 8:30 on MSNBC and CNN. Or at 6 on C-SPAN...but only if you're a real glutton punishment.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-