With apologies to librettist W.S. Gilbert and composer Arthur Sullivan, please allow me to re-envision their well-known patter song “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” from their operetta The Pirates of Penzance, as might be sung by the presumptive — and presumptuous — 2016 Republican presidential candidate, Donald J. Trump:
Post-Modern Major-General Trump
I am the very model of a crass, bombastic narcissist,
Well-loved by ladies even though decisively misogynist,
Politically I love to get progressives’ panties in a twist,
Opponents feel like they’ve received a probe from a proctologist.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters hypocritical,
I only say what suits my goals, financial or political,
Addressing crowds my favorite topic is the wonder that is me,
I hypnotize adoring throngs by spewing pure hyperbole.
I’m very good at blowing smoke and clouding simple reasoning,
I’ve learned that raging racism’s an efficacious seasoning,
My sycophantic followers would rather hate than think a bit,
Of how ideas I propose are baseless economic shit.
My bankruptcies have taught me how to skirt responsibility,
I’ve learned the strength of bullshit marketing Trump University,
Trump Tower’s my compensation for unfortunately tiny hands,
But tireless self-promotion’s made my name one of the world’s top brands.
I’ll promise voters anything, despite irrationality,
Projecting my assertive psychopathic personality,
The crowds can’t get enough of my verbose theatricality,
Despite my glaring ignorance of constitutionality.
Upon the body politic I feed like a sebaceous cyst,
Though in my mind heroic — a courageous, bold protagonist,
You disagree? You’re surely an unpatriotic Bolshevist,
I am the very model of a crass, bombastic narcissist!