Now that cinched-it-as-of-today Republican presidential nominee and notable novelty sock model Donald Trump has dispatched with his Republican rivals, he must pivot to a kinder, gentler persona that might convince people who are not entirely insane to vote for him in the general election.
Today he gave a speech to his North Dakota supporters. Let us check in on that, shall we?
You can be confident that will appear in future coffee-table compilations of inspirational quotes by notable people—once we have scrubbed out all the quotes from history's insufficiently wealthy thinkers, of course.
But it's only halfway to where we need to be to achieve presidential status—or, if that is unattainable, James Bond movie villain status. A great James Bond movie villain is not merely obsessed with power and wealth, they have certain ... material needs. Can we perhaps get a quote from our would-be leader in which he lavishes praise on his chosen material obsession with over-the-top and uncomfortably close to sexualized innuendo?
There we go. Picture a James Bond villain lovingly mouthing those words, as he dips his scarred and slightly too-small hands into a pool of The Precious Substance. Pure, sweet Substance. The Precious is warm to the touch. It glistens, it does. But it cannot fit into our wallets, our overdramatic villain explains to a bound and gagged Bond. Until now.
This pivot is really going swimmingly. Can we get a few babies for the man to kiss, please? He would prefer to not kiss them himself, but if you line the babies up over here to the left, dear friends, Donald would be happy to send designated baby-kisser Chris Christie out to do the deed.