Hey, anybody out there reading this.
So, first diary. Probably last. I dunno. I’ve had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind since the massacre on Sunday. I haven’t been able to talk to friends about it. So, I am appealing to the DailyKos community, where at the very least, most people seem to be good people, and there’s still a layer of anonymity.
I’m gay. That statement seems like nothing to most of you, I think, but until three years ago, I couldn’t say that to myself at all. I am 38 years old and still only a handful of people in my personal life know this. Before three years ago, there was only one. I couldn’t even say it on the internet. In the last few months, I’ve told a few of my friends, and my sister, and while it’s a liberating feeling, it’s also terrifying to be so vulnerable.
So I’ve been getting braver. I think it came from shedding religion from my life, and realizing I am an atheist. That was also a very long journey for me. My family, an Evangelical Protestant Latino family, is pretty deeply religious. There are things that God does not approve of. Being homosexual, of course, is one of them.
As a teenager, as I started to get these desires, I kind of became a makeshift homophobe, while getting crushes on other boys and denying it all the way. At one point, in those early days of the internet (the late ‘90s), I fell in love with another young man in those stupid chatrooms (do they still exist?), and, long story short, he was an older creep pretending to be my age. That trauma, which nearly led me to suicide, pushed me into a deep, deep state of denial. I was already freaking out about my uncertainty about God, and I couldn’t handle the identity issues. It was over ten more years before I could come to accept who I was.
I first rejected the idea of labels (still not a fan), then called myself bisexual. And while I do believe in spectrums and all that, and in no way reject the idea of bisexuality, it took me a long time to accept the idea that I was pretty much only interested in men. It wasn’t until after my epiphany about my lack of faith that I started to feel that freedom, that release from the burden of pretending/lying, that I started to feel good about myself and my life. For the first time, I had a taste of living without restraint.
So, heart pounding each time, I told some people in the last year that I am gay. And those I selected have all been universally supportive. The biggest worry was my sister, in that she was/is very religious, but she had once had a relationship with another woman, and was denying the feelings because she fears hell. I was angry that she felt that fear, and so I decided to show her some solidarity and honesty. In the months since, she and I have grown very close, and while I have not disabused her of the hell doctrine (the catalyst of my ultimate deconversion), I think she has come to understand that the bigotry against those of us in the LGBT community is wrong (among other bigotries).
So, last week. I tell another person, just a coworker, but it still feels good, and it’s getting easier. I seriously start considering “What if I came out altogether?” The United States of America is more accepting than ever before. My friends, it seems, would support me, and even though my larger family would not approve, I only need my sister and mother (whose homophobia is entirely religion-based and does not involve hate; just divine command), and fuck them all if they can’t handle it. I worried a bit more about work, but it was a notion I was seriously considering.
Then this thing happens. To a bunch of Latinos. And I am super upset. Not just because it was mostly gay people, but because religion was an apparent motivator, guns are crazy easy to get, and of course, just the loss of lives… awful. So, I felt this sort of solidarity. And I seriously almost put up on Facebook, “I’m gay.” But then, I got scared. I remembered this violence was because these people were gay. And now I am terrified. I could be killed too. Latino communities are not exactly super accepting of it. It’s better now than when I was a kid, absolutely. But still…
So I’m stuck. What should I do? I don’t want to stay in this goddamned closet anymore. But the upheaval it might cause… and can I risk my life? I don’t know how to overcome this fear, so I can finally start living my life. I only have the one, after all.