From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Happy July Edition
"House Democrats staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The Democrats decided to get the Republicans' attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done."
---James Corden
“Trump went to a Pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform, and instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. Here's the plan: Trump is going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund.”
---Stephen Colbert
"Critics are calling those in Britain who voted to pull out of the European Union ‘racist’ and ‘anti-immigrant.’ After hearing this, Donald Trump said, ‘Wow, I’m running for leader of the wrong country.’"
---Conan O'Brien
“The Fourth of July holiday weekend is almost upon us. Last year, two NFL players lost fingers setting off fireworks. That's not a joke. A player for the Buccaneers and a player for the Giants blew their fingers off, which is awful. But it's a good reminder: if you go play with fireworks, play soccer.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
C’mon down and splash in the kiddie pool. We’re all tap-dancing with sparklers.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 1, 2016
C&J Schedule Note: Monday we'll be posting our traditional muttontastic July 4, 1776 edition of this column, but no C&J Tuesday, but we'll return Wednesday through Friday, but we'll be off the following week so we can attend the Netroots Nation convention, but to make up for the time off we'll do two C&Js per day during a week in 2019, but please remind us about that sometime in late 2018. Thanks. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Trek: Beyond: 21
Days 'til L.A. FoodFest: 7
Number of fatalities and injuries, respectively, from the Ataturk Airport bombing in Turkey: 42 / 230
Rank of Ataturk Airport among the world's busiest: #11
Percent of Germans, French and British, respectively, who say they have confidence in President Obama to do the right thing on world affairs, according to a Pew global poll: 86%, 84%, 79%
Percent of residents in 10 European countries, via Pew, who have a favorable opinion of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively: 59%, 9%
Estimated number of hot dogs that will be devoured during the July 4th holiday weekend: 150 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Just click...just click...just click….
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CHEERS to July! America turns 240 (but thanks to a recent facelift and tummy tuck, we don’t look a day over 230) and Canada turns 149. It's also National Baked Beans Month and National Ice Cream Month, and on the 11th we'll be celebrating something called Feest van de Vlaamse Gemeenschap (Translation: "The takeover of the planet by horny gerbils in chaps"). Summer convention season starts in 13 days with Netroots Nation in St. Louis, followed by the Republican Nurnberg Rally in Cleveland ("Sieg heil! Thhhhpt! Heil! Thhhpt! Right in Herr Donald's face!") and the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. The full moon---aka a full buck moon---happens on the 47th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, so make a note to look up yonward and wink at at Neil Armstrong and Elvis. The Juno probe starts orbiting Jupiter on Monday. Reboot Mania hits theatres with Ghostbusters, Star Trek: Beyond, and Matt Damon returning to the Bourne franchise. By the way: what does a teabagger do in July while thinking about the likelihood that Democrats will easily keep the White House in 2016? Shake 'n bake.
JEERS to Cheeto Jesus: Beat Poet. Donald Trump campaigned in Bangor, Maine Wednesday, and said something so bizarrer-than-usual that it alone should've shaved a few more points off his already-dismal approval numbers. But then I rearranged his words into verse and I'll be goddammed if he doesn’t rival Sarah Palin for sheer loftiness of derp:
I Want Great Deals...by Donald Trump
We don’t have great deals
And free trade is killing us
I want great deals
I don't care if they're free
I don't care if they're fair
I don't care if they're good
I don't care if they're horrendous
I just want great deals
I'll do it all different ways
I'll do it all different ways
Feel free to try that out at your next poetry slam. Don't forget to tip your bongo player.
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. On July 2, 1964, President Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill that secured "equal rights in voting, education, public accommodations, union membership and in federally assisted programs---regardless of race, color, religion or national origin." And that sure pissed off the asshole wing of the American public:
During the debate on the bill, segregationist politicians from America's deep south expressed their disappointment and anger.
Congressman Howard Smith of Virginia called it a "monstrous oppression of the people."
How sweet to know that today's racist apples don’t fall far from the crazy tree. Even with the murders, racial profiling, voter suppression and church burnings, a huge swath of today's conservatives seem to believe that overt discrimination against minorities is a thing of the past, and America is now a multi-racial conga line of equality and unicorns. Yeah, I believe that, too. But only when I'm smokin' something really bad.
JEERS to unhelpful distractions. I knew this would happen. I've been saying since the beginning that when marriage rights became the law of the land for same-sex couples in all 50 states, the godless homosexuals would shirk the hurricane-making part of their gay agenda. Sure enough, en entire month of hurricane season has gone by and check out the latest map from the National Hurricane Center:
Peaceful. Placid. No sign of mayhem anywhere. Very disappointing. Consider this your written warning, gays: if this serenity lasts much longer, we're gonna start canceling tea dances.
CHEERS to the turning point. 153 years ago today, on July 1, 1863, the Battle of Gettysburg began, marking the high-water mark of the nasty old slavery advocates. (For the record, Maine won the war for the Union, although we hate to love to brag about it, because it's true but we're modest.) In a show of magnanimity---because, hey, what's a little tyranny between friends---I bought the South a gift today, on account of I thought it was fitting for the occasion. It's an actual Robert E. Lee cuckoo clock:
Instead of a cuckoo, a little toy cannon goes off every hour. Who knew treason could be so whimsical?
CHEERS to our favorite constitutional monarchy! Happy birthday, Canada! As America prepares to celebrate the violent upheaval and protracted war with Britain that led to our own "Brexit," our neighbors to the north are commemorating the cool, calm, and civilized "union of the British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada July 1st." Awesome whoooooo!!! We luv ya Canada (Disclaimer: But not your tar sands). Say “Fromage”…..
Don't get too crazy tonight, Hosers---you could tear a rotator cuff politely waving at your neighbors.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Just a quick rundown of some of the stuff we might be watching this weekend on the tube, starting with tonight's guest lineup on HBO's Real Time, which includes libertarian presidential candidate with zero power or influence Gary Johnson, Ari Melber, Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), The Guardian columnist Louise Mensch and comedian Jim Gaffigan. New DVD releases include the Helen Mirren-Alan Rickman counter-terrorism thriller Eye in the Sky and a documentary called Elstree 1976 about the actors behind the masks in the original Star Wars. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will damn the Angels to Helllll ha ha ha!!!) And Monday brings the annual Capital Fourth (8pm on PBS) and Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular (9pm CBS) birthday party for this little experiment in democracy we call America.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Labor secretary Tom Perez; Chuck Todd tap dances with sparklers.
Face the Nation: This week it’s John Dickerson’s turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping; Sen. Lindsey Graham introduces his new line of Southern Belle parasols; Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) explains how he totally pwned Trey Gowdy on the Benghazi committee that laid a big $7 million goose egg. Plus presidential authors: Arthur Herman ("Douglas MacArthur: American Warrior"), Douglas Brinkley ("Rightful Heritage: Franklin D. Roosevelt and the Land of America”) and Annette Gordon-Reed and Peter S. Onuf ("Most Blessed of the Patriarchs': Thomas Jefferson and the Empire of the Imagination").
This Week: Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH); Google Santorum, whom I’ve heard is being considered as Trump’s VP. Makes sense, since he’ll bring all the “blah people” into the fold.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ); libertarian presidential candidate Gary “You’re On Your Own” Johnson.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Fearmongering from House Intelligence (snort!) Committee chair Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), who will be sure to say “radical Islamic terrorism” a thousand times; Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Eleven years ago in C&J: July 1, 2005
JEERS to creepy critters. Ick. The Church of Scientology has appointed a "handler" to follow Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, around. The purpose: to keep her recent conversion from going "Kablooey." Wow...there's a sign of a healthy religion.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the do-gooders among us. Every Friday our C&J poll asks, "Who won the week?" We do our best to round up a dozen or so representative samples of the people who make us feel a little mushy-gushy and remind us that all is not lost just yet. Thanks to your smarts and good sense, the Class of the Second Quarter of 2016 is a good-lookin' bunch. And for the first time ever, the 45th president of the United States made it on the list as many times as the 44th. I do love peaceful transitions of power. The envelopes, please…
April 1 Chris Matthews, for getting Donald Trump to admit that women should be treated as criminals for having an abortion
April 8 (Tie) News outlets that investigated the "Panama Papers" and Lake Worth resident Cara Jennings, the woman who correctly called Florida Governor Rick Scott an asshole at a Starbucks
April 15 The corporations, celebrities and state governments keeping pressure on governors and legislatures passing or thinking of passing anti-LGBT laws
April 22 Harriet Tubman, chosen by the Treasury Dept. to boot Andrew Jackson from the front of the twenty-dollar bill
April 29 Hillary Clinton: primary in PA, CT, DE and MD, vows 50% female cabinet, tosses Trump's "woman card" insult back in his face
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May 6 President Obama: travels to Flint, Michigan to assess water crisis; slays at WH Correspondents Dinner; Gallup approval in 50s; commutes 58 drug-offender sentences
May 13 N/A
May 20 President Obama: Rutgers grad speech; awards Medal of Valor to 13 public safety officials; health-insured rate at 90% for first time ever; expands overtime pay rule
May 27 President Obama: 1st sitting president to visit post-WWII Hiroshima; highest approval since 2nd inauguration; weekly jobless claims at 43-year low
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June 3 Hillary Clinton, for her foreign policy speech that delivered a Trump thumpin'
June 10 Hillary Clinton: finishes strong in the last major primaries to become the 1st woman presumptive presidential nominee of a major party
June 17 The first responders, medical teams, individual heroes and community support that came out of the Orlando shooting at the Pulse nightclub
June 24 Rep. John Lewis and Democrats who staged a sit-in on the House floor to demand votes on gun-control. (Which they’re going to get!)
Who will win in the third quarter? I'm sworn to secrecy, but here's a hint: a political party that stars with D. Stay tuned!
Have a great holiday weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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