[Daily Kos will be covering the Republican convention tonight from 8 PM to 11 PM ET.]
The first night of the Republican National Convention is upon us. The Trump-inspired theme for the evening is Make America Safe Again. This narrowly won out over the alternate, better title: The Festival of Frights. We will also accept Carnival of Chaos, or Rodeo of Regret.
Donald Trump has promised us a Hollywood spectacle, a night of ritz and glamour and bigly things. With that in mind, let's take a look at the lineup:
• First up is the biggest star of the evening, that Duck Dynasty guy. No, not that one, the other one. Willie Robertson will regale us with tales of being a rich man masquerading as a poor man at a convention for a poor man pretending to be a rich man. What this has to do with making America safe is a mystery, unless Republicans now consider ducks and terrorists to be the same thing.
• Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Yeah, I didn't know he was still around either. Rick Perry is most famous for his hints that maybe Texas ought to leave the union, and for not being able to remember three things.
• Scott Baio. Baio is an actor your parents probably know from his roles as Chachi, the same Chachi, and Charles Who Is Ironically Not Always In Charge. But millennials only know him as that guy who calls Hillary Clinton a c*nt on Twitter. His convention bio helpfully points out that these days you can also find him on Nick at Nite.
• Tonight is Benghazi! night. Multiple veterans and others will talk about Benghazi! to a convention center full of people who could not find Benghazi! on a map, but are convinced they know the secret truth about Benghazi! anyway. We'll then pivot to the issue Donald Trump based his entire primary campaign around and isn’t about to drop now: How dangerous Mexican immigrants are going to kill us all.
• Antonio Sabato Jr., from General Hospital. Now we see what Trump meant when he said he was bringing the star power! Hopefully this meeting will bring about the General Hospital/Charles in Charge crossover episode that America never knew it wanted but secretly did.
• Rep. Sean Duffy, who "is married to Rachel Campos-Duffy, whom he met while appearing on MTV's hit television show The Real World." Duffy’s convention bio wanted to make sure you knew that.
• Rudy Giuliani. As unlikable New York City mayor, Giuliani was propelled to stardom after the 9/11 attacks, after which he became unable to utter any sentence that was not a self-promotional reference to 9/11. In keeping with the night's theme of keeping America safe, Giuliani is likely there to explain why putting your city's critical emergency response center in one of the biggest terrorist targets in the nation is an idea so stupid that it should disqualify the decider from any further public office, ever. Or he'll just spout off some self-promotional references to 9/11. Did you know that 9/11 happened under a Republican adminis—whoops, gotta go. Security is headed this way.
The night will be capped by the biggest star of the evening aside from the Duck Dynasty guy: Melania Trump. Donald Trump's current wife gets the most lengthy biography of any of tonight's speakers, mentioning her 2005 marriage to Trump (but not, cough, how they met), her modeling career, and enough extracurricular activities to amply fill out any high school student's college application forms. But a special surprise is in store: She will be introduced by ...
• Donald Trump! Yes, the man of the hour isn't going to be confined to merely one convention appearance. This is his baby, and he's going to give America what they really want: Donald Trump. He’s also there because it’s likely not a damn one of the previous speakers will so much as mention Trump during their own speeches, and he’ll need to get the evening’s events back on track.
Viewers should take note that all bets on the schedule after the point when Donald Trump takes the stage are off. He may speak for five minutes, or 20, or he may spend the next three hours regaling his captive audience of delegates and party bigwigs as to the bigliness of his class and the class of his bigliness. Have fun with that, folks.
Oh, and afterwards Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn will talk, so you'll be able to get a taste of whatever it is that made Trump perhaps-maybe-a-little consider Flynn vice presidential material.
Republican Talking Point Bingo Cards will not be provided, but it’s likely that commenters will be able to provide you with links to multiple versions. Hologram Ronald Reagan is not listed as a speaker tonight, but perhaps he will still be appearing tomorrow or Wednesday. If you see four horsemen riding high in the sky during tonight's speeches, you may be late for work tomorrow.