From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"It was a dark and stormy...um...how does that go, again?"
It's a highlight of my year---plopping down in a Victorian wingback chair with a frosty beverage and basking in the brilliant badness of the winning entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Its modest goal: "[T]o encourage unpublished authors who do not have the time to actually write entire books, the contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels." The Class of 2016 was just announced by the English department at San Jose State University. A sample:
Certainly most people in Morris’ place would have had certain misgivings about being stranded aboard a life raft, facing the unrelenting hunger and the possibility of having to eat the weaker members of the crew just to eke out the chance of survival for a few more days, but as Morris was an Asiatic black bear he had absolutely no qualms about it whatsoever.
Charlie H. of Auckland, New Zealand (Adventure)
As the first shovelful of earth fell on her father’s coffin, Emily kneeled at the graveside sobbing, overwrought by the sudden realization that, not only had she lost her only living relative, but she had somehow forgotten to set her DVR to record this week’s episode of “House of Cards,” an episode she had particularly wanted to see because of a rumored and breathlessly anticipated guest appearance by a nephew of Don Ho.
Rob R. of Greensboro (Miscellaneous)
On March 5, 1836, Lieutenant Colonel William Travis stood before his rag-tag revolutionary army, unsheathed his sword, and drew a line in the sand, followed by a smiley face, some crude stick-figure men, and a few choice words about Mexicans that the State Board of Education has deemed unfit for publication in this 7th Grade Texas History Textbook.
Gwen D. of Austin (Historical Fiction)
She was like my ex-girlfriend Ashley, who'd stolen my car, broken my heart, murdered my father, robbed a bank, and set off a pipe bomb in Central Park---tall.
Rachel N. of Toronto (Purple prose)
As he gazed at Ming's lifeless body draped over the sushi bar, chopsticks protruding from his back, Det. Herc Lue Perrot came to the sobering realization that tonight, there had been a murder at the Orient Express.
Andrew C. of Akron (Crime/Detective)
You can read the full list, including the grand prize winner, here. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 12, 2016
Note: Today is National Middle Child's Day. Everybody say the official slogan with me: "Oh, Marcia Marcia Marcia!!!"
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the VP debate between Tim Kaine and Mike Pence at Longwood University in VA: 53
Days 'til the 12th annual Bat Fest in Austin: 8
Weekly unemployment claims, the 75th straight weeks under 300k and the best streak since 1970, according to the Labor Dept.: 266,000
Increase in job openings in June: 2%
Percent increase in penalties for workplace safety violations under new OSHA guidelines: 78%
Percent of the 410 people stopped at least 10 times by Baltimore police between 2010 and 2015 who were black, according to the Justice Dept.: 95%
Estimated number of foreigners who traveled to Rio to watch the Olympics: 500,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Have a pug and a smile
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CHEERS to new bells and whistles at the Great Orange Satan. I've been in awe of the Daily Kos elections team ever since I saw them in action firsthand at a Netroots Nation conference a bunch of years ago. They're freaking encyclopedic---name a congressional district and they can tell you who's running and who is likely to win based on polling, demographics, and little quirks unique to that area. So high-fives all around to David Nir, Steve Singiser and the elections crew for amping up their presence here:
[O]ur amazing team of developers (Andy, Anne, Bram, Brandon, Elaine, Glenn, Jason, Sandro, and Wai Lee) have been laying down some really, really good “bones” in order to build all this---a tech infrastructure that opens up whole new possibilities for the future.
Eventually, for instance, you’ll be able to embed all sorts of content into your own posts on the site, like, say, a chart of all polls in the Pennsylvania Senate race. And we have a million more cool ideas that we want to implement down the road.
But for now, we want to hear from you. Please let us know what you think, and ask us any questions that you have. And if you have any suggestions for us, we’d love to hear those as well.
Just one suggestion from me: a button that'll make champagne spurt out of our USB ports around 11pm on November 8th.
CHEERS to America's favorite safety net. On Sunday's date in 1935, President Franklin Roosevelt gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying:
In his public statement that day, FDR expressed concern for “young people [who] have come to wonder what would be their lot when they came to old age” as well as those who had employment but no job security.
"We can never insure one hundred percent of the population against one hundred percent of the hazards and vicissitudes of life, but we have tried to frame a law which will give some measure of protection to the average citizen and to his family against the loss of a job and against poverty-ridden old age. […]
The law will flatten out the peaks and valleys of deflation and of inflation. It is, in short, a law that will take care of human needs and at the same time provide for the United States an economic structure of vastly greater soundness."
Today a frighteningly high portion of the Republican base regards Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty effing commie hippie. But when they hit retirement age and start getting their checks in the mail, their sudden silence will be deafening. And then they'll start complaining that their commie hippie checks aren't big enough. And then they'll actively work to prevent the commie hippie program from being privatized by the evil Republicans. Run that by your local annoying wingnut next time he says evolution doesn't exist.
CHEERS to #45. While Republican nutball candidate Donald Trump's claim that President Obama was the literal founder of ISIS was sucking up the media oxygen yesterday, Hillary Clinton was in Michigan talking about something a little more useful: economic security for the 99 percent. Oh, and also telling the trickle-down crowd on the other side to go pound sand:
What economic policy concessions might Hillary Clinton offer up to woo Republicans? If her speech Thursday in Warren, Michigan is any indication, the answer is: Nothing.
In her first major economic address since her campaign began actively courting the Republicans turned off by Donald Trump, Clinton made no major pivot to the ideological center. […]
Clinton didn't toy with entitlement reform or hint at grand bargains on deficit reduction. Instead, she talked about expanding Social Security, debt-free college, making corporations pay higher taxes, a public option for health care, raising the minimum wage, opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership and the concentration of wealth in "the top 1 percent." […]
Clinton has paid no price for leftward shift, since Trump is more interested in litigating her character than her policy in any kind of traditionally ideological way. Trump's own rhetoric on taxes and spending have undercut his and other Republicans' ability to tag Clinton as, say, a tax-and-spend liberal.
With unemployment under five percent, weekly unemployment claims at a 46-year low, gas prices around two bucks a gallon, inflation at a mere one percent, minimum wages being raised hither and yon, and a bullish stock market, there's no denying that things are better now than they were when we found ourselves in a great recession sinkhole triggered by conservative economic theory put into practice. So I think Hillary's economic blueprint is they key to winning in a landslide in 88 days. Of course, having a sleep-deprived psychotic carrot for an opponent doesn’t hurt.
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 61 years ago today, on August 12, 1955, Republican President Dwight Eisenhower raised the hourly minimum wage from 75¢ to a dollar. Or, as Republicans today would call it, "a dollar too much, General Libtard."
JEERS to strongmen who have long outlived their fifteen 47.5 million minutes of fame. Unless he dies before midnight, former Cuban President Fidel Castro will have managed to claw and scratch his way to his 90th birthday. His wish as he blows out his candles: unity and strength for Cuba and its people. And a big ol' grin for outlasting arch-enemies Ike, JFK, LBJ, Tricky Dick, Ford, Carter, St. Ronnie, G.H.W.B., Bubba, GWB and BHO, who finally cried "Uncle." Love him or hate him, that's impressive.
JEERS to veggie tales. A semi overturned on a Maine roadway yesterday, blocking traffic for a time and spilling its full payload of broccoli. There were no injuries. And also no disappointed children.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I have some serious DVR tubeage to catch up on this weekend: Whose Line, Judge Judy and the last few days of the 2012 London Olympics (no spoilers PLEASE!) Otherwise, there's Steve Kornacki and his magical electronic mystery election map sitting in for Rachel tonight on MSNBC at 9, and after that the only thing interesting on TV is pretty much the 2016 Olympics and baseball (schedule is here). But at least John Oliver is on snark duty Sunday night at 11 on HBO's Last Week Tonight. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Preempted by the Olympics, but we’ve installed a secret ficus plant cam in Chuck Todd’s den, so you can watch him watching the Rio games in his Underoos.
Face the Nation: A discussion of Donald Trump’s unfitness for the presidency with Sen. Susan Collins, former Director of the CIA and the National Security Agency Michael Hayden, former Senator and Secretary of Defense William Cohen of Maine, former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, former Pentagon official Rosa Brooks and former Utah governor Mike Leavitt. Plus: new battleground polls.
This Week: Former CIA director under Obama Leon Panetta, Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), and independent candidate and next President of the United States fer totally sure Evan McMullin. (See? That’s what sarcasm looks like, Mr. Trump.)
CNN's State of the Union: Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort says absolutely no more Republicans will endorse Hillary Clinton for president; Republican former Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez endorses Hillary Clinton for president. Also: alleged rapist Julian Assange.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mike Pence asks Chris Wallace to post his resume online so he can get a job after November.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 12, 2006
CHEERS to mooning the President. In the latest AP/Ipsos poll, Bush musters a whopping 33% approval by We The People. Look at that again:
33
A pair of bare buttocks pointing to the right. Oh, America...I luvs ya.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the whitest guy ever to be "born a poor black child." Happy birthday to Steve Martin, who was a spry 30 when I first heard his stand-up act (via long-play LP, no less, but later I went high-tech with long-play cassettes) at age 12 and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and who today is an elder statesman of comedy at 71. Besides being an award-winning banjo picker, having a hit single (King Tut), hosting the Oscars and SNL, starring in a boatload of popular movies, and writing best-selling books, an Oscar-nominated screenplay (Roxanne), a Tony-nominated musical (Bright Star), and sketches for the legendary Smothers Brothers, what has he contributed to society? While we're trying to think of something, watch this from---[Checks watch]---40 years ago:
Sorry, Steve, but I'm still drawin' a blank. Happy birthday, anyway.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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