From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Monday Margaret and Helen Blogging…Now with Bonus Regrets!
Last Thursday Donald Trump said that "sometimes, in the heat of debate and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don't choose the right words or you say the wrong thing. I have done that. And believe it or not, I regret it." But he didn't get specific, possibly because he's got so much regretting to do that he doesn’t know where to start. Little did he know that just two days earlier, octogenarian Helen Philpot of the Margaret and Helen blog posted a list that gives him a little nudge. Included:
• Makes fun of the disabled
• Is a racist
• Doesn’t understand why we haven’t used nuclear weapons if we have them
• Prefers Putin to Obama
• Would bring back water-boarding
• Thinks it’s funny to joke about presidential assassinations
• Used lawsuits to stiff small businesses
• Thinks it’s a good idea to argue with parents who have lost a child to war
• Thinks women who have abortions should be punished
• Thinks President Obama founded ISIS---an organization started before Obama was a Senator much less President
• Thinks women who face sexual harassment at work should just find another career
• Doesn’t consider American prisoners of war to be heroes because they were captured
And that's about a third of it. Read the rest at Helen's post here. Meanwhile, the Hillary Clinton campaign released this crushing ad demonstrating why Trump's regretapalooza is blowing up bullshit detectors left and right:
What’ll he regret this week? Time to start another list. Happy Monday.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 22, 2016
Note: Whoever replaced my entrenched narrative with fresh perspective has 24 hours to switch it back or I'm calling the proper authorities. ---Mgr.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til President Obama's trip to China and Laos: 11
Days 'til Maine's Blue Hill Fair: 9
Minimum number of claims for FEMA aid by victims of the flooding in Louisiana according to PBS: 86,000
Number of electronic surveillance requests made to the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court last year, according to Harper's Index: 1,457
Number that were denied: 0
Donald Trump disapproval rating in January and today, respectively, according to FiveThirtyEight: 58%, 65%
Number of followers President Obama has on twitter now: 10 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to poll dancing. Woohoo! Hillary Clinton got some good news yesterday as CBS News announced the results of its latest look at a state her main opponent (Deez Nuts, right?) must win on November 8th:
In Ohio, which is so critical to Donald Trump’s electoral fortunes, it is Hillary Clinton who has extended her lead and is now up six points, 46 percent to 40 percent; she was up four points in July.
Clinton has made gains among women, and remains bolstered by a nearly-unified Democratic base. She wins 90 percent of Democrats, while Trump remains hampered by just enough reluctant Republicans: He’s at 79 percent of GOPers. […]
Also hampering Trump right now is that he is being viewed as a “risky choice;” that is especially the case among women. In Ohio, 73 percent of women describe him as such, and 70 percent of voters overall.
Hillary's also tied with Trump in Iowa (40 corn dogs each). But not all is rosy for the Clinton campaign. Word came down over the weekend that her debate coaches are having a helluva time coming up with someone to "play Trump" during mock debates who comes close to being just as loud, unpredictable and unhinged as the real one. My suggestion: try Gilbert Gottfried. On LSD.
JEERS to the final sprint to the finish line. I hate to write this, but today marks the beginning of Barack Obama's last hoorah as president as he returns from vacation to finish out his second term. On his agenda:
► Visit Louisiana tomorrow to assess the flood damage
► Environmental summit in Nevada on the 31st
► Prepare for a trip to China and Laos Sept. 2-9
► Get some goddam Zika funding
► Get a "catch-all" spending bill passed
► Wedgie to Mitch McConnell for that "one-term president" crack in 2010
►Salvage the TPP (not likely)
► Campaign for Hillary Clinton...and Merrick Garland Supreme Court hearings.
► Pardon the entire U.S. turkey population
► Visit wherever the next mass-shootings happen
► Light up the Christmas Tree one more time
And last but not least: beam proudly as Hillary Clinton takes the oath of office on January 20th, but not before watching his approval numbers steadily increase to the mid-50s. And after all that, man, you go ahead and light up a cigarette in front of the world because, goddam, you deserve one. Repeat: one. (We’ll distract Michelle.)
CHEERS to dollars for sense. In addition to supporting referendum votes on legalizing marijuana, raising the minimum wage to $12 and background checks for all firearms purchases, Maine Democrats have a big assignment this year: keep control of the House and take back control of the Senate. Locking up the legislative branch here will do something very important: keep Governor Paul LePage bottled up in his office with his lunatic plans for the rest of his reign. (Don’t worry---we promise to drill a few air holes.) To that end, some good news was released over the weekend: Maine Democrats are leading in fundraising: $370k for Team D state senate races vs. $152k for Team R, and $311k vs. $177k for state House races. We're also leading in cash-on-hand. Doesn’t guarantee the results we want in November, but it sure beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. And to answer your question: yes, Paul LePage has a special assistant whose job is to prevent him from poking himself in the eye with a sharp stick.
CHEERS to wrapping up a really big shoo. Hey, other planets! You may have more tentacles than we do, but we've got the Olympics! Seriously, Earth would be a much bigger shithole if we didn't get to watch our best and buffest human organisms amaze us every couple years (South Korea hosts the winter games in '18) with their feats of featiness. The 2016 games ended last night with a tasteful display of nudity and feathers---or was that Cinemax? Whatever, when the flame was finally extinguished, the top 10 medal count panned out like this:
1. Look How Great America Already Is 121
2. China 70
3. Great Britain 67
4. Russia 56
5. Germany 42
6. France 42
7. Japan 41
8. Australia 29
9. Italy 28
10. Canada 22
To save time during the next event, the teams for the 2020 games in Tokyo have already started filing into the stadium for the opening ceremonies. But for now, thanks for the memories, Rio! (But not so much the sewage and the Zika.) And thanks, Ryan Lochte, for giving us an idea for a new Olympic event: the Driving Around While Drunk And Busting Down A Bathroom Door At A Gas Station And Then Lying About It Craptathalon. (A really bad idea, but an idea nonetheless.)
CHEERS to tea and bragging rights. 165 years ago today, in 1851, the schooner America outraced a small fleet of British ships belonging to the Royal Yacht Squadron off the English coast to win the trophy that came to be known as the America's Cup. I believe I speak for all Americans today when I say: [Pulls down pants] "Kiss me bum, blokes!" (With all due respect. And bless yer hearts.)
CHEERS to cool science. Last week astronauts Kate Rubins and Jeff Williams packed up their stuff and padded off to work---IN SPACE! According to NASA, their successful spacewalk ended with the unveiling of a new "parking space" for the International Space Station. Watch ‘em blow the lid off...
All I can say is, God help the person who parks there without the right sticker.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 22, 2006
JEERS to the Commander Decider Buck-passer in Chief. Hey kids, guess what? President Bush says we get to stay in Iraq until at least 2009! He also said we'd all lose our soul if we pulled out. That's right---the president just played the "We Won't Go To Heaven Because Of You" card. Stick a (pitch)fork in him, he's done.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the birthday pootie. Seven years ago, Michael and I visited our local shelter to adopt a feline fuzzball, and chose the one that bit our ankles the least. Fantom is a petite calico with stubby legs---the dachshund of the cat world, we like to call her. She's pretty much in the middle of the Sociability Scale: says hello half the time, says goodbye half the time. She's a cat schooled in the ancient art of "tai kitteh," and even though we're not exactly sure of her actual birthday or age (the vet guesses 9 or 10), yesterday she got seven candles on top of her Fancy Feast cake, and as she mauled it down (with dew claws extended, of course) we discussed her day:
Me: What's on your agenda?
Cat: Eat, sleep, watch squirrels, make doggie pay daily ransom before getting her squeaky toy back, barf.
Me: You really think you can do all that in one day?
Cat: It'll be tight.
Then we prostrated ourselves at the altar of trippy catnip fantasies and wished Fantom a Happy Barfday. But we'll skipped the "pinch to grow an inch" part because we enjoy having all ten of our fingers.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"If Bill in Portland Maine were a character in the Star Wars universe, what character would he be?"
"Jabba the Hutt. No question."
---Carrie Fisher
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