From time to time, as a long time member of this community, I offer my reflections on and information about things not political, but personal. It is a way of sharing with people who have become close and dear friends over the now more than a dozen years since I began posting here, especially as I now rarely get to see them — conflicts of one sort or another have prevented me from attending the yearly conferences, having last attended in Providence in 2012.
The two topics of this reflection are only about me, not my wife, who continues to deal with her multiple myeloma. All I will say about her for now is that because of a mild reoccurring of the cancer, she has had to undergo another round of chemo that has been very hard on her. For now she has requested that I not discuss her health in any further detail, so I will not.
I start with two facts. First, as I write this I do not have a job, and I need one. The school year has now already begun for most schools around DC. Thus I may wind up cobbling together an income outside of classroom teaching. Second, I am now confronting the reality that I am in my 70s, and the issues with health occur with ever greater frequency and intensity.
I begin with the health. Several weeks ago a tooth with a crown cracked and the crown came off. I went in to see the dentist to see if it could be restored, and it could not — all that was left was the roots. It was going to have to come out. I came back the next day, but my blood pressure was too high. I have for a number of years been on medication for both hypertension and high cholesterol. I had taken my meds, but I had also had several cups of coffee, and taken several items to address reactions to allergens, so we decided we would postpone to the next day, skip the morning coffee and any meds except BP, take an extra BP pill, and see. But it was still too high, so I called into my physician’s office, and went in.
I have had a systolic heart murmer since I was a child. It had never prevented me from being very active — I ran cross country in high school, played soccer in college and then as an adult, and then became a soccer referee for a number of years, where I did a lot of running. When I coached soccer, as I did as a high school teacher through 2007, I would often work out with my players. On several occasions when my weight would get too high I would undertake a vigorous program of getting again fit, several times taking off more than 20 pounds. In 2013 I began a vigorous program of yoga, taking off 30 pounds, and also did running and some weight work, until I badly sprained an ankle while volunteering at a health fair, and had to cut back. I have unfortunately put the weight back on (and I have again started to address that).
My personal physician is actually a physician’s assistant in a well-established medical practice. When he examined me he became concerned — he was hearing things that concerned him. He wanted to be sure that I was not on the edge of congestive heart failure (and to avoid the suspense, I am not). I was referred to a cardiologist for an echocardiagram. The results of that raised some issues. There are 4 heart valves. It is not uncommon for someone of my age to have leakage from 3 of them. That in fact had been the case the last time that cardiological practice had given me an echo, in 2011. But now I was having leakage from all 4, now leaking from the aortic valve. In addition, my heart muscle had stiffened, most probably as a result of persistent hypertension. I was also schedule for a stress test. I took that on Thursday, and fortunately so far the indications are that I can do a full course of exercise, which at present consists primarily of a brisk 20-30 minute walk at least 5 times a week, plus whatever additional exercise I get from working around the yard (and for that I have to watch sun, heat and humidity). I have also taken a fasting cholesterol, although I do not yet have back the results of that.
My blood pressure medicine had already been increased. I check my BP at least a half dozen times a day, starting when I get up, before I take any meds. I have an extra medicine to take if my systolic is over 180 or my diastolic over 110. That happens about once every three days.
Here’s the issue. With meds my baseline seems to be around 135/95, not dangerous but still way too high. So it looks like I am in a situation where we are going to be finetuning my meds for while, which will mean more visits to the various offices. The good news is that this is almost all covered by insurance without anything other than minimal co-pays, and since I have not had a job since the school year ended, making appointments has not inconvenienced either me or an employer.
About the job. As some may know, I changed jobs in the middle of the school year. As such, I was not guaranteed employment beyond the end of the year, I unknowingly violated some school policies when I first started, in large part because no one had thought to inform me about them. I was told at the end of the year that they were pleased with my teaching, but that the other issues meant they did not want to bring me back. Oh, and neither my immediate administrator nor the principal ever observed me, which is in fact a violation of what should have happened, but there is really no point litigating that. I was also not informed that I was not being asked back until after when I should have been informed, which meant that I missed a number of job fairs for local districts.
That should not have been a problem. I applied to DC Public Schools, and was quickly placed in the Recommended Pool, even without a teaching video. My DC certificate was due to expire in July, so on May 15 I filed for renewal. The Office of State Superintendent of Education does not get back to you for 12 weeks! I had not bothered to submit continuing education courses because (a) I had never taught in DC, and (b) in 2014 my Maryland Certificate had been renewed without requiring such submission because I was over 60. On August 15 I was informed by DC that I needed a background check — which I had already passed for DCPS so that was taken care of — and 45 seat hours or equivalent of continuing education. When I inquired why, I was informed that reciprocity for my Maryland certificate only applied for original certification. Now, had I been informed about that even in mid-June, I could probably have gotten documentation for some of what I had done in the past 5 years that would have accounted for at least 32 and maybe the full 45 hours, and had time to do something online that would have completed the rest.
One DC school reached out to me anyhow — I explained my situation, and they said they thought they had flexibility, so I interviewed. It was a very good interview. But at the end when we talked further it became clear that they had misunderstood my situation. Because I was not called on Friday, it means that they were not even able to hire me on a provisional basis while I got the documentation in order.
I do not need DC certification to teach in a charter school or a private school. I have one and possibly two interviews (each starting with a sample lesson) in the next few days. There is some hope, but little certainty. My age is always a question, even though legally it should not be.
In the mean time I am exploring other opportunities, including full time writing/editing, and cobbling together a number of part-time gigs. I have enough resources to be able to continue to explore for perhaps another 4-6 weeks, but then we will have some real financial concerns.
So now the reflective part. while I know I am still an effective teacher, in part demonstrated by the number of my students from my last school who insisted on staying in touch with me, I have made my peace with the fact that my days as a classroom teacher may be done. I can even do wonderful sample lessons but I do not get job offers.
I can also make my peace with the fact that we may have to rearrange our living arrangements because of how our income may well change. We have talked about that in the past, and we are prepared to do that as well.
As for my health — I have pushed the limits for far too long, and I see the results in my body. Some of it is genetic: that applies to my own oral health, and to some degree to cardiac health as well.
The real issue for lots of people when they retire is that they lose a sense of purpose in their lives. To a degree the writing I do, whether I post it or do just for myself, continues to give me a sense of purpose. But not being in a classroom fundamentally changes how I interact with the the world. After all, much of my writing is fueled by reflecting upon the world we may be leaving those who come after us, and lacking biological children of my own it is my students who keep me connected with that.
I am at a point where I both reflect upon the past, and ponder what may be left. Looking back, there are things which I wish I had not done, primarily because they were not generous and loving to others. There are other things I perhaps wish I had done — for example, taken the Peace Corps appointment — except that if changing something in the past would mean having to give up getting to know my wife, it would not be worth it.
Looking ahead, I think the primary impact is that while I recognize we may face difficulties, we are in far better shape than many. We may find ourselves taking a hit to what retirement income we have set aside, but we are not in danger of becoming totally destitute, and given our ages (my wife will be 60 in January) we are in far better shape for medical expenses because we have her very good health insurance.
I think if there is one thing to draw from all this it is to let go of anger and hurt, even if justifiable. That is, the personal anger and hurt. I will still be fueled by righteous anger at things I see wrong in society. But what is left of my left is too precious to be wasted nursing grievances.
I don’t want to end a day without exchanging affirmations of love with my wife, even if we are in different cities, as we are right now.
I want to make sure each of our remaining two cats gets sufficient cuddles each day.
I want to be able to look back each day and be able to remember one good thing I did for someone else, however trivial it might seem.
I want at the end of each day to be able to look back and be able to recount one new thing I have learned or understood.
Tomorrow I have at least one interview. I have another to be rescheduled.
Tuesday I have a medical appointment. I have a dental appointment to get in during Monday or Tuesday if possible.
Every day I check to see about job possibilities.
A distant relative of my wife is reaching out to some of her friends about job possibilities that might not be publicly advertised.
Each day I do something to make our house and grounds more pleasant.
Each day I will look for at least one way to give kindness to someone else, hopefully in the process developing to the point that it becomes something I do without having to think about it, and far more than once daily.
Each day I will be grateful that I have another day to try to make the world a better place.
Peace.