Yesterday I read a long tweet sequence by Jen Richards. It starts here:
She’s sharing her raw emotion, her genuine self. Something that touches me, and in my experience a lot of us. My particular reason connects to my childhood history that includes acquaintance molestation by slightly older childhood friends and that I am a rape survivor. In no way am I suggesting this is Jens history, I know nothing of Jens personal life. I am directing all of my attention to that tweet.
She explored her pain, reacting to what she perceived as casual to those whom were present in the situation she describes. How it was apparently easy for those others, to talk about sex, about relationships and love, while Jen cringed inside. Some of it the subject matter, but the sense that her perception of herself pushed a deep internal voice, telling her she felt excluded from the casual, seeming easy nature of having close, interpersonal contact, discussions that seemed commonality to those around her, but foreign to her experiences. Where did she, as trans fit in with casual conversation about relationships, sex, boyfriends or girlfriends, her issues, friends issues, you know, chit chat or serious talk, just being present, genuine and talking about the things that matter to a person’s life!
I’m working out 2 things from Jen’s lengthy tweet that are personal to me and show how anyone, and everyone have genuine connections, inclusion to each other that connects me, a cis male, to get what Jen a transgender woman is sharing. The first is body image, and the apparent ease our culture has to shame. It’s not so much that others are directly doing it, though it happens, it’s that a person who lives with childhood sexual assault, CSA and rape, have triggers. The triggers are easy to understand, it’s what we do once triggered that the healing process is all about. To me, body image issues like Jen expressed, can be explicitly understood. I can place myself in a context that could be a similar situation and know I would feel likewise. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a serious episode of sadness!
The second is being accepted, loved, cared about. That tweet showed to me, Jen had a reaction that her thoughts pushed a sense of being excluded from broad acceptance. It seemed she was saying, her body, perhaps if known by others as being transgender, could seem as unlovable, as not normal to society and those close to her. She has a lot of reasons for that concern about society, there are many who are pushing exclusion of our transgender brothers and sisters, our fluid gender persons, the question persons! It’s well known to those who follow our Dkos lady, rserven, our Robyn! She is a source of courage to me, and an example of advocacy for human kind! Robyn shares concerns for the transgender community, our community! Jen’s concerns can be known by following rserven.
To me, Jen is adorable, lovable, a charming and endearing person whom I would have wonder and awe if she new me, and somehow I were present and talking to her? Do you get me? Does that make any sense? It’s a thing for people who have self worth concerns, derived from their ptsd and trauma experiences, based totally upon the events of bullying, molestation and or rape. I now believe any survivor will concur! It’s the sense of Jen thinking she had no place in our society for broad acceptance that caught my attention. It’s the isolation, the loneliness that I identified with. She, like I, share those similar identifiable traits. She also segues to her strength, what I see is the healing to my future and hopes.
Jen finishes her tweet with her strength. Her acceptance by her women’s group, reaching out, and to me, sharing her thoughts and journey on twitter. To me, allowing me into her personal experience, allowed me to open up my personal experience. I’m riding her coattails, boosted by the wake of her courage, her grace. I’m aware how I’m as much in need of acceptance for my vulnerability, as anyone else, and share this today, knowing I’m unsure of what makes for good conversation about this topic, whether this is the way to bring myself out, to join expressions by others? Do I appear to co-opt the depth of what I see as a success by Jen Richards? I need to have hope, I need the courage of Jen to carry me as I type these words of doubt, worry, shame. I am working to have my own courage, my own story, my very identity as a man. Being a man was stolen from my psyche when I endured so much 39-42 years ago.
Those years caught up to me a short 4 months ago. I’ll be working on this the rest of my life.
Thanks for reading.