People, I don’t know about you but I’m tired of thinking about Thing. I need a break from the national-nightmare-that-has-become-reality, hence the aforementioned fulminating. Wanna break with me?
To begin, observe the photo at the top of this blog. That’s my stomach, wearing a pair of Size 12 Petite Skinny Jeans. I haven’t even taken off the price tags yet, they’re so new. Couldja tell me WHY in Goddess’ name women’s jeans have a zippered fly in the front? We women don’t have anything to whip out and aim. So why aren’t women’s jeans zippered at the side, as they used to be back in the Late Cretinous when I was growing up? The ugly, bulgy outline of the front-zippered fly adds nothing to one’s looks. One would have to have a concave stomach to compensate, and how many women have that?
Are the designers doing this because they think women are suffering from penis envy? Well, I’ve got news for you, designers and Sigmund-the-Fraud: I’ve never wanted a penis, ever in my life. Naturally, I would have liked all the privileges that accompany possession of that appendage—first-class citizenship, higher wages, and all that—but I certainly have never wanted a penis, nor the burden of protecting such a delicate appendage from kicks or from women like St. Lorena of Manassas. Ye gods, who would?
And while we’re on the subject of clothes, why do manufacturers’ sizes vary so wildly? Are said manufacturers all drunk or merely stoned? I currently own and wear size 10, 12, and 14 jeans. All fit perfectly well. I’m not the one who’s drunk or stoned!
Another thing: why do the manufacturers of so-called “intimate apparel” (known as “underwear” to rational persons) continue to turn out brassières that fasten at the back? Yes, yes, I know all about the history of the bra, invented by some dame in the 19th, who designed them to be fastened at the back because she had a lady’s maid to do up the back for her. It’s 150 years later, for chrissake! Yes, I know that some manufacturers manufacture front-closing bras—and one can buy and wear them if one is six feet tall, weighs 100 pounds, and doesn’t mind cruel wires cutting into her quivering flesh. Alas, I am not in that category. As I see it, there are two alternatives: (1) we start quietly manufacturing our own bras at home, which I’d do if I hadn’t failed sewing in Home Ec, and (2) dispense with upper coverings altogether and let our mammary glands cheerily wave in the breeze. After all, the women (women, not men) who were in charge in Minoan Crete never wore anything but open-front boleros, so why shouldn’t we? Alas, even I know how quickly we’d be arrested in the Republic of Gilead, due to arrive on 20 January 2017.
Something else I’ve always wondered about: why does our veterinarian insist on testing our dog for heartworm once a year? We give our badly behaved beagle-boy a heartworm pill once a month without fail. So, if the purpose of the pill is to prevent his getting heartworms, why is the vet determined to test him? Obviously, either the pill or the test is unnecessary. This is simply one more instance of how They want to plunder our pocketbooks.
Wonderment No. 4: Why do non-American singers choose to sing with fake American accents? To wit, listen to one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite singers, Helen Reddy. Here’s the chorus from the song, “Peaceful.”
And it’s ohhh…so peeaceful heah
No one’s bendin’ ovah mah shoul-dah,
Nobawdeh’s breathin’ in mah eah.
Observe it for yourself. Paul McCartney did it too, in “Let ‘Em In”:
Someone’s knockin’ at the do’
Somebody’s ringin’ the bell…
It seems extremely odd to me.
And finally: why did the human race evolve from Lucy the hominid (Australopithecus afaransis) to include a hymen in female humans? What was the purpose? I know how this physical fact was co-opted by patriarchy, so I don’t need an explanation of that. I simply want to know why Mother Nature (or Goddess, as I prefer to call Her), put it there. Was it to safeguard the ute against pelvic inflammatory disease until the female human attained sufficient maturity to gestate and bear children? Why doesn’t the human male have a similar physical puzzlement? We may never know. Probably we are not meant to know.
Well, that’s it for my fulminatin’, although I considered adding a question as to why on earth humans have an appendix. I left mine in New Delhi umpteen years ago and have got along without it for upwards of 62 years.
What are YOU fulminating about these days? I mean, aside from the Awful Event. Is there anything you’d like to screech about? Feel free, friends!