From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
So far we've recapped the first six months of the year, sealed them in a lockbox wrapped in chains and punted them off a pier. They can never bother us again unless they return as---dun dun duuuun---zombie months from the deep.
This morning we dispense with the third quarter of the year. July through September was a significant period because, for the first time in recorded history, those months had the number 2016 after them. No one's really sure why, but some speculate it has to do with the impending arrival of space people, much like "2015" turned out to be the secret pass code for unlocking the grain from our great pyramids. All very exciting.
During that time NASA did a lot of that NASA thing NASA does. Netroots Nation visited St. Louis. Pokemon Go players skulked through yards and alleys, inadvertently stumbling over dead bodies in the pursuit of cartoon characters. The mighty ROGER AILES got booted from Fox News as a SERIAL SEX PREDATOR and then started “informally” advising DONALD TRUMP, whose own SERIAL SEX PREDATOR issues were revealed. That solar plane finished its round-the-world flight. The nation rained blows on North Carolina Republicans for picking on the LGBT community for no earthly reason. ISIS shrank over there while our economy grew over here. And a bald-faced liar with ridiculous hair, lots of money, and a sleazy demeanor acted like a pompous jerk during a big contest. (Shame on you, Ryan Lochte.) Also there was some political stuff I didn’t pay much attention to because I kept getting told by the internet to click on sites with lists of things “You won’t believe.” (And it's true what they say---#5 will shock you!)
So here we go. I can promise you this is the best of all the year-end lookbacks that have been written by anyone anywhere, believe me. And it's completely paid for by Mexico. Your wormhole to the past opens up below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Tomorrow's C&J will be its usual west coast-friendly edition around 4:30PT/7:30ET. C&J will be off Monday and Tuesday and will return Wednesday to face the dawn of a new…something something TBA. If you won’t be here tomorrow, we pre-wish you a safe and happy New Year's holiday. ---Mgr., C&J Party Hats Division
Puppy pic of the day: Pawsafe portraits…
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C&J 2016 Flashback: July
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Hours after FBI director James Comey gives Hillary Clinton a green light to proceed with her campaign unencumbered by email-related silliness, the Democratic nominee and President Obama appear at a joint campaign rally in North Carolina. Says Obama in a jab at Trump: “Sasha tweets but she doesn’t think that she should be sitting down at the [Oval office] desk." Responds Sasha: "Speak for yourself."
The NASA probe Juno slips into Jupiter's orbit and writes another chapter of history for NASA. It'll map out the composition and internal structure of Jupiter, among other goals. The science lessons to be learned from this project will be many. At the top of the list, as always: nerds rule.
In light of the fact that America has become one great big shooting gallery (Five Dallas police officers are the latest victims) suggestions are made to change the official U.S. motto from "E pluribus unum" to "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims' families at this difficult time."
The Netroots Nation convention draws thousands of activists to St. Louis. It's a lower-key event this year, partially due to its proximity to the Democratic convention. But the panels are thought-provoking, the actions in which many NNers take part make headlines, and the convention's social aspect---meeting up with friends old and new---remains a big draw. Next year's event is in Atlanta from August 10-13. Two words: Waffle House!
By the numbers
Percent of Germans, French and British, respectively, who say they have confidence in President Obama to do the right thing on world affairs, according to a Pew global poll: 86%, 84%, 79%
Percent of Americans who own a gun or live with someone who does, the lowest level since 1978: 36%
Number of years Garrison Keillor hosted A Prairie Home Companion before signing off for good this month: 42
Percent chance that average mileage standards for U.S. cars are still on track to reach 54.5 mpg by 2025, according to EPA: 100%
Percent of Daily Kos readers who believe the Democratic primary race was above-average nasty and below-average nasty, respectively: 30%, 39%
Number of black delegates at the Democratic convention, versus 18 at the GOP convention: 1,182
The Republican convention gets underway in Cleveland with speakers Scott Baio, a homophobic duck call merchant, a General Hospital cast member, and Rudy Noun-Verb-9/11. The first night's message to America: the years 2001 to 2009 never happened and Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi. Bride of Trump #3 movingly speaks the words of Michelle Obama to thunderous applause, and a Prozac-popping time is had by all.
The smartphone game Pokemon Go takes the world by storm, but not quite the way the creators intend. Recent headlines include: "Woman discovers body while playing Pokémon Go," "California men fall off edge of ocean bluff while playing Pokemon Go," "Pokemon Go players find corpse in San Diego park," and "Pokemon Go Players Have Now Found A Third Dead Body." "What a great game," say undertakers.
In the wake of David Cameron's resignation after finding himself on the losing side of the Brexit vote, 59-year-old conservative Theresa May becomes Britain's second female prime minister. Among her first actions after getting the royal blessing of the Queen: making crazy Trump clone Boris Johnson her foreign secretary and dusting off Britain's nuclear arsenal. In other words, making the Falkland Islands very nervous.
The final night of the GOP convention is a non-stop blur of balloons, elephant hats, beer hats, gun hats, Jesus hats, American flags being abused every which way, bobbing signs, and a wild and untethered display of mild enthusiasm. CBS News reports that Donald Trump gets a post-convention uptick that they describe as "very small." (And you know what they say about men with small upticks…)
Virginia Senator Tim Kaine introduces himself to America as Hillary Clinton's bilingual running mate. He's a heartland kinda guy wrapped in experience and competence but with plenty-sharp-enough elbows. One other thing about Kaine: he's very nice. So nice, in fact, that he'll point out all 437 of Mike Pence's factual errors during the VP debate out of a sincere desire to be helpful.
The Egyptian Museum in Cairo puts the country's oldest papyruses, which date back 4,500 years, on display. To put that in perspective, it's older than the Bible but not quite as old as the average Fox News viewer.
The Democratic National Convention gets underway in Philadelphia. In terms of on-stage appearances, The DREAMer is great, the gay former congressman is great, the disability-rights advocate is great, the congressmembers are great, the union leaders are great, the Latinos and Latinas are great, Al Franken and Sarah Silverman are hilarious, Senator Elizabeth Warren is great, Bernie Sanders is Super-unification Man…and the first African-American First Lady's speech is as poetic as it is historic. As the convention takes place, it's confirmed that a hacking of the DNC was masterminded by Vladimir Putin, who has emerged as a de facto bunkmate with Donald Trump. So it turns out they really do support same-sex marriage.
Late Night Snark
"House Democrats staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The Democrats decided to get the Republicans' attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done."
---James Corden
“Trump went to a Pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform, and instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. Here's the plan: Trump is going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund.”
---Stephen Colbert
"Critics are calling those in Britain who voted to pull out of the European Union ‘racist’ and ‘anti-immigrant.’ After hearing this, Donald Trump said, ‘Wow, I’m running for leader of the wrong country.’"
---Conan O'Brien
“The Fourth of July holiday weekend is almost upon us. Last year, two NFL players lost fingers setting off fireworks. That's not a joke. A player for the Buccaneers and a player for the Giants blew their fingers off, which is awful. But it's a good reminder: if you go play with fireworks, play soccer.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
Pilot Bertrand Piccard lands the Solar Impulse 2 plane in Abu Dhabi, completing---with help from alternating pilot Andre Borschberg---its 17-month, 26,000 mile, sun-fueled round-the-world journey. Meanwhile, James Inhofe's snowball-fueled plane, the Climate Change Is A Hoax 1, achieves its own milestone of sitting for 17 months in a hangar doing nothing.
Hillary Clinton officially becomes the first woman to be a major party's nominee for President of the United States---96 years after the 144 years women had to wait just to get the right to vote. Somewhere in the hereafter, the suffrage movement pioneers are still dumping buckets of Gatorade over each other's heads.
Donald Trump publicly urges Vladimir Putin’s espionage services to help sabotage the Clinton campaign and put Trump in the White House, prompting even hard-core Republicans like Stephen Hayes of The Weekly Standard to ask, “How can any Republican support a candidate who openly hopes for foreign cyberattacks on a political opponent?” Apparently you just put your lips together and blow…your morals out the nearest window.
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August
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A New Jersey man files a lawsuit against Trump National Doral Miami after he says he was bitten by bed bugs while staying at the resort. Trump National Doral Miami adopts a new marketing slogan: "Make America call the front desk to complain again."
A federal appeals court rules that a North Carolina law illegally targeted minorities with tougher ballot access rules (such as photo ID). Governor Pat McCrory, always looking like he just got rescued from a night spent trapped in a dumpster, has the typical tantrum Republicans always have when they lose. Thus explaining why his cat has fled to the neighbors.
Critics from across the ideological spectrum rain blows on Donald Trump over his Islamophobic response to criticism leveled at him by Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the American couple who lost their son in Iraq after he shielded his fellow soldiers from a terrorist's grenade. Oddsmakers place money on Trump's next targets: Girl Scouts, puffy clouds and koala bears.
By the Numbers
Percent of all U.S. eligible voters who voted for either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in the primaries, according to The New York Times: 9%
Amount Bernie Sanders raised during his presidential run, almost all from small donations: $227 million
Number of competitors in Team USA at the 2016 summer Olympics, including a record-setting 292 women: 555
Years since carbon pollution emissions from our energy sector have been as low as they are today: 25
Number of followers Obama has on twitter now: 10 million
The last year that America's cheese surplus was as large as it is today: 1986
President Obama sets a record for the most sentences commuted in one day since 1900: 214 prisoners, 67 of whom are serving life sentences and most of whom have been charged with nonviolent drug crimes. Obama plans more similar acts before he leaves office, but stresses that he needs Congress to pitch in by taking decisive action with unprecedented efficiency and intelligence to revamp our criminal justice system. Witnesses say the rimshot could be heard for miles.
A worldwide meltdown in Delta Airlines' computer systems means passengers across the country have to endure delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees, as opposed to a normal day where all they'd have to put up with are delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees.
A "spoiler" candidate enters the race: Republican former CIA operative Evan McMullin of Utah. His campaign slogan: "Vote for me because Donald Trump is a real threat to the stability of our republic and also I know how to call in a black helicopter to disappear you if you don't."
The Olympic games begin in Rio. When you see the sprinters in action, you realize you're looking at the only humans who will be able to outrun our future robot overlords.
In Colorado, a 12-year-old is running the day-to-day operations of Donald Trump’s Jefferson County field office. He’s brought in to replace the four-year-old whose phone-banking efforts resulted in a grand total of zero dollars and 29 Elmo blankies.
Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor and gay rights trailblazer Harvey Milk gets a U.S. Naval vessel named after him---a John Lewis class class oiler. The ship is still in the planning stages. Once it's built it'll be christened with a champagne bottle filled with Pat Robertson’s tears.
The Islamic State group announces that one of its longest-serving and most prominent leaders, Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, has been killed in Aleppo province in Syria. ISIS, of course, is the radical terrorist army that wants life to go back to exactly the way it was during ancient times. No word yet on who will get al-Adnani's Mercedes, Xbox or Rolex.
Late Night Snark
"Hillary Clinton became the first female presidential nominee of a major party. So now little girls everywhere can say: 'One day I’m gonna grow up and run against an insane reality TV star.'"
---Conan O'Brien
“In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush’s time in office. Said voters: ‘Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.’ ”
---Seth Meyers
"Florida's governor wants to ban the phrase 'climate change.' Sorry, Republicans, but just like the phrase 'black president,' you can't just wish it away."
---Larry Wilmore, whose show was canceled by Comedy Central
"If you haven't heard of Breitbart News, that means you don't have a racist uncle on Facebook."
---Stephen Colbert
Cool statistic from Rio: US women have won twice as many medals at the Olympics this year as the men have. On the other hand, the men are absolutely crushing it in a new competition called the Driving Around While Drunk And Busting Down A Bathroom Door At A Gas Station And Then Lying About It Craptathalon.
A team of six scientists from three countries finish spending a year sequestered in a simulated dwelling that is part of the preparation for a human expedition to Mars. The group lived in the dome on a Mauna Loa mountain in Hawaii and were only allowed to go outside in spacesuits. Everything goes well and they express relief that they can get back to the joys of living in the real world. When they hear that Donald Trump is one of two people in the running to become the most powerful person in the world, they re-enter the pod and wedge a chair under the door handle.
The first regularly-scheduled JetBlue flights begin between Florida and Cuba, ushering in a new era between our two countries. The Cuban people will no longer hate us for our capitalist imperialist ways. Now they’ll hate us for our lack of @%!!$@&!% legroom.
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September
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Donald Trump makes an awkward and embarrassing border hop to Mexico and then rhetorically pees all over the Statue of Liberty in a we-hate-all-immigrants-except-the-smart-white-ones speech. But not everyone is horrified. The KKK gives it 10 sheets-with-eye-holes out of ten.
The four liberals on the Supreme Court stop the four horsemen of the Robertspocalypse from reversing an appeals court ruling that would've kept North Carolina's voter-suppression laws intact. Governor Pat McCrory issues no response, presumably because he's in an undisclosed location getting his frustrations out by chewing through some drywall.
The Labor Department announces the 87th straight month of employment growth and the unemployment rate stands at 4.9 percent. The three-month rolling average: 232,000 jobs created per month. When he hears the news, Donald Trump issues a brief statement from his penthouse: "Vote for me, and with hard work and God's blessing I will reverse this alarming trend, believe me."
By the Numbers
Percent of Americans who say they're better off now than they were eight years ago, according to Gallup: 55.4%
Percent of college grads surveyed who believe Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court, according to Parade: 10%
Years since the birth of the Occupy Wall Street movement as of this month: 5
Number of the five living U.S. presidents who support Donald Trump for president: 0
Rank of health care among the top concerns for Americans in this election, according to an AP-NORC poll: #1
Percent chance that naming a newly-discovered parasitic flatworm "Baracktrema obamai" was done as an honor, not an insult, according to scientist Thomas Platt: 100%
Hillary Clinton and Donald trump square off on veteran's issues and national security. Hillary is judged by the standards of a Ph.D.-level exam. Trump is be judged by the standards of how well he conceals the bobby pins in his hair.
Fox News ringleader Roger Ailes is forced to leave the Republican propaganda network over credible allegations by women, including former Fox and Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson, that he's been a slimy sexual predator for decades. He gets a $40 million severance package. Carlson gets a $20 million settlement. And something is seriously wrong with this picture.
Apple unveils the iPhone 7. It's water- and dust-resistant, 25 percent brighter and comes with two extra hours of battery life. But the best feature is a beeper that goes off right before you're about to walk into a lamp post.
Conservative "godmother" Phyllis Schlafly dies at 90-something after choking on a mixture of Diet Coke and Pop Rocks. Normal people, who don’t believe Schlafly's view that women should stay tethered to the kitchen their entire lives, rack their brains trying to think of something nice to say. They settle on complimenting her for the brooch she wore that one time in the 80s that was kinda purty.
NASA's OSIRIS-Rex spacecraft lifts off on a two-year journey to rendezvous with the 4.5-billion-year-old asteroid Bennu, after which it will return to earth, release samples of the asteroid to NASA scientists and then retire to Boca with its spouse the Bissell upright.
President Obama nominates a lawyer to serve on a U.S. District Court who practices the Islamic faith. Now all that needs to happen is for Senate Republicans to hold hearings and confirm him, which should happen sometime after Matt Lauer practices actual journalism and the Arctic ice caps return to normal.
Samsung reels as the Consumer Product Safety Commission calls on owners of the Galaxy 7 Note to shut them off because their batteries could spontaneously combust. It's the first time PolitiFact has ever given a "Pants on Fire" rating to a consumer product.
Late Night Snark
“Yesterday in China, President Obama had a meeting with Vladimir Putin. And before they started, Obama texted Michelle: ‘Going into a meeting, love you,’ while Putin texted the same thing to Donald Trump.”
---Jimmy Fallon
“Our show started out as a political satire, but it now feels more like a sobering documentary. I think that Veep has torn down the wall between comedy and politics. … I certainly do promise to rebuild that wall, and make Mexico pay for it.”
---Julia Louis-Dreyfus, during her Emmy speech as Best Comedy Actress for Veep
"When my father came to New York a while back, when Trump Tower initially opened years ago, he wanted to go see it. And I said okay and I took him there. And we walked around. And he looked and he looked. And he turned to me after he'd seen it and said, 'This is, I think, what Rome looked like just before the fall.'"
---Lewis Black on Late Night
Clip of CNN anchor: Mr. Trump said that he would've ordered his generals to seize oil from our enemies. Isn’t that against the Geneva Convention or is that a good idea?
CNN reporter Barbara Starr: I'm no military lawyer, but I think that people can look at the definition of 'war crimes' and come to their own conclusion.
Samantha Bee: You heard her, average American: in your plentiful spare time, when you're not working your two jobs or watching your screaming kids, why not spend twenty or thirty hours studying the Geneva Conventions so you know whether or not it's okay to steal another country's oil. That's so much easier than asking reporters and moderators to do their fucking jobs.
---Full Frontal
Donald Trump sits down to discuss his "perfect health" on Dr. Mehmet Oz's syndicated TV show. Many physicians say it's a cheap and unserious way to discuss the topic. Then again, it makes perfect sense that a guy with no brain, no heart, and no courage would seek an audience with a charlatan named Oz.
Hillary Clinton promises to amplify women's voices in government by making half of her cabinet female. Donald Trump says he’ll have his own voice amplification system for women. It’s called yelling at women through a bullhorn.
Scientists say they've detected a black hole eating a star. Dieticians warn it’ll go straight to its waist.
The National Museum of African American History and Culture finally gets its grand opening. The exhibits range from the stomach-turning (ankle shackles, shards of glass from the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing) to the inspiring (a Tuskegee Airmen training plane, Harriett Tubman's hymn book). Not to be outdone, David Duke takes part in the ceremonial grand opening of his National Museum of Deplorables. Or as it’s also known: slapping a confederate-flag bumper sticker on his new pickup truck.
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Tomorrow: The End.