I was going though some papers today to send and have shredded when I came across this letter written to my Parents from my Mother’s Psychiatrist in January 1990.
I had known I was gay since I was about 5 years old. Of course in 1962 that was not one of the topics we discussed in kindergarten at Spring Branch Elementary School in Houston,Texas. In fact we were very-very Southern Baptist and it was never discussed in Sunday School either.
When I came out to my Parents they believed it was a “Mental Disorder” . Of course they had married in 1952. At that time being “Homosexual” was not acceptable at all & you certainly did not want to have children with that psychiatric disorder-so my parents believed
You have to understand, my mother had a mental breakdown in 1967 when she was diagnosed with a Severe Bi-Polar Manic Depressive Disorder. She was hospitalized for three months while given heavy doses of anti-psychotic medication. At her worst, when in deep depression, she would stay in bed all day never fixing any meals. Instant Breakfast and cereal were our only option for breakfast, my father always left lunch money and dinner was either oven baked pizzas or usually some type of hamburger helper that myself and my older sister could make. At her worst in her Manic Stage she would not only spend more money in a day than my father made in a month but also become extremely agitated and accuse my father of affairs, tear up family photos and throw and break dishes. Several times my mother took me ,my younger brother and sister and would go to a family friends house calling my father saying “I’m getting a divorce and you’ll never see your children again!”.
My father was Born in west Texas, was 6’ 2, weighed 225 (bigger than life when your 10 years old) and loved his cowboy boots, Stetsons and guns. He went to The University of Texas, was a very successful fully functioning alcoholic -clinically depressed corporate executive. He kept bottles of Vodka hidden in our garage in our bass boat, under the flaps that hid the gas tanks for the motors. He would come home, drink his Vodka in the garage, come in the house, eat dinner and pass out on the couch. He didn’t do that every day, usually just 3 or 4 nights a week. As a child, with a Father who could be mentally abusive and very controlling and a mother who, when off her medication, could go from Loving to Violent in 30 seconds or less, you just did not tell your parents that you were Gay. In fact, I don’t think the word Gay was used until I was in High School.
So, I kept my secret to myself thru College and after. In 1981 I opened my first business which kept me extremely busy. Finally in 1989 I could no longer take the deep dark depression of keeping this secret to myself and dealing with my dysfunctional parents.
It’s amazing to me how three children all growing up in the same house see their parents through drastically different eyes. My sister had run away at 17 and gotten married. Being adopted I think she always resented my parents for some reason and had issues with my parents strong controlling hand on her life. My younger brother, two and half years younger than me, always saw my parents like June and Ward Cleaver, choosing to see the world through rose tinted glasses believing everything was always like watching “Leave it to Beaver”.
Then there was me. I was born in 1957. I have and had always been a people pleaser. God forbid I ever stand up to my parents like my sister had. I admired that quality more and more in my sister as I got older. I came to realize she saw that my father wanted to manipulate and control everyone in our family so we would be the “Perfect Family” in his mind.
When I came out there were not groups like The Trevor Project www.thetrevorproject.org or the “It Gets Better” Project www.itgetsbetter.org to help men with support in coming out to friends but especially family. Everyone deals with this differently depending on the world you grow up in. Obviously having Strong Southern Baptist, 7 day a week -Church Going- Singing in the Choir- Baptized Parents made it next to impossible to ever come out.
The first thing my parents said was “It’s just a phase, you’ll get over it”. I assured them that it was not a phase and I had know and felt this way since I was five. They asked that I see a psychiatrist just to talk and get his professional view on my “Situation”. I actually was the one that suggested I see my mother’s psychiatrist. I had never met him but I knew if he could help navigate his way through my mothers roadmap of BiPolar he must be a good guy. I have taken the names out of the letter in my article, but my mother’s doctor was actually wonderful and I had no idea what he would write back to my parents.
When I received my copy of his letter I was not only ecstatic about what he had written but also that he was letting them know there was nothing wrong with being gay but that it was biological and not environmental, hopefully they could come to accept me for who I was. It took many years but eventually they did come to accept me and my husband now of 26 years. In fact before my parent’s passed away they both let my husband (my then partner because we could not marry until this past summer) that he was their favorite son/daughter-in-law (my brother and sister were both married). They came along way in the 23 years we were together before they passed away. They evolved not only in their personal views but also their religious views. In the last years before their deaths they always knew it would be myself and my husband who would always be there for them-whenever and for whatever they needed.
Psychiatrists Letter to my Parents:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jan. 8, 1989
“As you probably know, Kevin, consulted me for a Psychiatric evaluation last Friday. He was very cooperative and open and we discussed the important current issues in his life. Kevin’s mental status was completely normal. There was no mood disturbance, his thinking was clear and coherent and there were no irrational preoccupations. Kevin also reports a normal developmental history, he perceives his childhood as happy and secure. He did well in school, made friends easily and was not involved in substance abuse. His work history has been consistent and successful.
Kevin tells me that since fairly early in his life, he has known that his basic sexual orientation was toward men. Kevin is not in conflict with that orientation and in fact feels relieved that he no longer must hide that part of his life from his family. I think as you can see that it would make no sense to attempt to “treat” Kevin, in as much as, he is not “sick” and he is not wanting to be different from what he is.
I think I can appreciate that this is difficult for you both. Let me try to help some by telling you two things. First, Kevin is not Psychiatrically ill. He is, in fact a very intelligent, likable young man who enjoys his work, his friends and his family. Second, no one knows for certain the exact causes that program a person’s sexuality but the overwhelming evidence points to physical-chemical factors, not environmental, so if you were “blaming” yourselves, you have no basis for doing so. Kevin can have a happy, successful life and I hope his whole family can share that with him. Best regards, Jack”
So, In the end my mother’s psychiatrist was right. It’s true that the first several years were very very hard for both them and me but with patience they changed and grew to Love my Husband as their own son.