Among President Obama's most significant accomplishments has been a big reduction of the federal budget deficit. But, of course, the United States government is still hundreds of billions of dollars in the red each year, and Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), the Senate Finance Committee Chairman, has an idea to take a big chunk out of that persistent deficit: selling advertising on our currency.
"Do you have any idea how many tax cuts this could pay for?" Sen. Hatch wondered aloud. "Imagine the fantastic savings it would provide to American businesses from our burdensome big-government taxation? Not to mention the greater profits and millions of high-paying jobs corporate America would produce in response!"
With approximately 40 billion individual paper currency bills in circulation, it may be the largest untapped advertising market in the United States.
Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.), the Finance Committee's Ranking Democrat, strongly disagrees with the proposal. Front plus back, there is a bit more than 32 square inches on a U.S. Federal Reserve Note, leading to Wyden's sarcastic suggestion: "While we're at it, might as well make the bills bigger." Wyden added, "Every additional inch is space for another Chinese ad, right?"
Chinese interests actually do hold a significant amount of American hundred-dollar bills, and Chinese vacation spots are popular among wealthy Americans, so it might not be surprising that Wyden may have inadvertently hit the mark.
Committee Member Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex.), Chair of the Subcommittee on International Trade, Customs, and Global Competitiveness, was tapped to explore potential advertising sources, and he acknowledged there have already been inquiries from the People's Government of Hainan Province in China. Its provincial travel bureau asked about formatting options on a color advertisement for the tropical Hainan Island, to replace the green shaded depiction of Independence Hall presently on the reverse of the hundred dollar bill. The island, known as the "Hawaii of the Orient," is a popular vacation spot in the South China Sea.
Sen. Hatch acknowledged awkwardness surrounding sales, foreign or otherwise, of advertising on our national currency, but insisted it makes good economic sense. He said if George Washington were alive today our Founding Father would not object, but rather insist, that his likeness on the $1 bill be replaced with, for instance, Ronald McDonald.
"If the price was right, of course," Sen. Hatch said.
Finance Committee Member Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) maintained America should not fear new ideas, and that this could be a source of potentially billions of dollars. He also said American values would be embraced while determining who, how, and how much would be charged for the new advertising.
"I want to reassure those who may find this financial move a bit uneasy, that a certain proportion of each bill will be reserved to promote, cost-free, various church denominations that endorse our national Judeo-Christian values."
(Editor's note: the author concedes, given the swathes of people inclined to believe ANYTHING they read on-line, he must alert/assure readers that this is a joke. But Donald Trump did say his first Executive Order upon taking office will be to alter the five-dollar-bill by Photoshopping himself next to Abraham Lincoln.)