Tonight we will witness the return of an F-level celebrity when washed up actor / reality star Scott Baio will proclaim his undying love to Donald Trump. I can’t think of a better way to welcome him back than by re-writing the very creepy theme song for his old sitcom, Charles in Charge:
New boy in the [GOP] neighborhood
Lives downstairs and is [up to no good.]
He's there just to [mansplain the election to me],
Like he's one of the [Orange-Haired One’s] family.
Charles in Charge of our days and our nights [say what?]
Charles in Charge of our wrongs and our [constitutional] rights [oh shit]
And I sing, I want, I want Charles in Charge of me [oh hell no!].
Charles in Charge of our [gays] and gun [rights]
Charles in Charge of [police] wrongs and [women’s] rights
And I sing, I [DO NOT] want, I [NEVER] want Charles in Charge of me.
This is what happens when it becomes okay to nominate a reality show host for president. We get speakers whose primary aim in life is to score a spot on Celebrity Apprentice.
Celebrities are not new to convention politics. Hell, we even had an actor become the president. But I’m fairly certain that St. Ronald read books, had experience in government and might have even been the head of a very powerful union.
Perhaps Hillary Clinton should get her own washed up 80s celebrity. We’ll see your Scott Baio and raise you one Molly Ringwald!
Anyway, here are the original lyrics. Note how unbelievably weird these are:
New boy in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood.
He's there just to take good care of me,
Like he's one of the family.
Charles in Charge of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want, I want Charles in Charge of me.
Charles in Charge of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want, I want Charles in Charge of me.
Care to re-write these?