The Trump Organization’s two fragrance lines — Empire by Trump and Success by Trump — include products containing ingredients linked to hormone disruption, skin and lung irritation, organ system changes, and cancer. That’s according to the Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep database, which catalogues the ingredients and safety risks of more than 62,000 personal care products and rates them on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst.
Three Trump products — Success by Trump Eau De Toilette Spray, Empire by Trump Shower Gel and Donald Trump the Fragrance Eau de Toilette — earned high numbers on the danger scale, rating 10, 9 and 8, respectively.
Other side effects may include small hands, orange skin, increased levels of bigotry, hallucinations, an inflated sense of self, and a complete dissociation from reality. And Rudy 9ui11iani might start following you around saying all manner of crazyshit.
Now, I know what you’re thinking — hormone disruption, skin and lung irritation, organ system changes, and cancer are a small price to pay for smelling like a big ol’ Trump, right? Who wouldn’t risk turning into a horrifying genetic mutation as long as you could smell like Eau de Donald? After all, Success is described as…
“the perfect accessory for the confident man determined to make his mark with passion, perseverance, and drive.” It said the scent contained “bold notes of peppermint, spicy chai and a hint of juicy apple,” “a masculine floral comprised of orange flower and jasmine blended with exotic tonka beans” and “elements of amber and seductive musk.”
And it comes with a free paste-on mustache!
I want you to let that image of Donald Trump’s “seductive musk” brew in your head for just a minute. Let it set an intimate mood. Just you and Trump, on the couch, the lights low, the champagne chilled. A breeze wafts past him. Can you hear the 70’s-porn-soundtrack music playing? Yeah, baby. Bomp-chika-bow-wow.
Suddenly I need a bucket. Anybody else need a bucket?
“The perfect accessory for the confident man determined to make his mark.” Yep, it’s the bestest thing for making your mark since the first dog hiked its leg. Wear this stuff to a business meeting and be somebody! Or at least be the reason everybody checks their shoes to make sure they haven’t tracked something in.
I can year you asking: why should I pay good money for these products when I can just fart for free? Well, I’ll tell you! Because Trump products are made with only the classiest oxybenzone, benzyl salicylate, isoeugenol, citral, BHT, and retrinyl palmitate! Nothing but the best organ-function-disruption for you! Don’t get your toxic products by rolling around in a nuclear facility’s outflow pipe like some commoner! Take a step up to the big leagues! Get the best diseases!
Come November, a lot of Republicans will be holding their noses when they vote. And now we know why.
I hope it gives ‘em a rash.