Not classes — school seems to be going okay-ish. But as for me — the problem for me is with my body. I have been having problems with my back for the past several years, and in fact in the spring of 2016 I had back surgery, which made a phenomenal difference in my mobility and pain level after it was over. That was a partial discectomy, and now the other side of the same point in my back (and the corresponding nerves down the leg) is terribly painful. I am using pain killers and having trouble sleeping nonetheless. Last year we got a Starbucks on campus, in our library, and without that coffee availability I would be in deep trouble in mornings . With only a couple of hours a night of sleep (that sleeping done sitting up at the dining room table; I cannot lie down because my right leg hurts so much), the coffee gives life a bit more coherence.
I could only get into the doctor on this coming Wednesday, at the earliest, and that was when my doctor is in her clinic an hour away. So I will be miserable for the weekend and the first couple of days of the week. And I have arranged for a friend to drive me down and back that day. Another friend dropped into the license bureau in town to get me a handicapped permit application. One brought me veggies from the farmers’ market this morning, and another (a former student who is the best massage therapist in town) came over last night to see if she could calm down of the spasming in my back and legs). Her working on my back with me on the floor suggested to me that a blanket spread on the floor might be a more comfortable place to lie down and be less of a tossing-and-turning environment. I tried that for a bit last night and managed to get almost three hours of sleep, more than I have had in ages. In case I haven’t mentioned it recently, this is the best community I have every known, and I am so glad to be a part of it here.
Several years ago, back when I started to have issues with my back, I decided to ask students to come up and get their papers and quizzes from me rather than wandering around the room myself. I have found that this, which I at first thought was rather rude, has allowed me to get a better view of each student and learn names and faces more effectively. I have continued to do this when I can (not just when I have to), because anything that will help me with names and faces is good as I am so not good at them.
In addition to the fact that I cannot walk or many times even stand, my escape and relaxation strategy is hopelessly screwed up as well. I had walked 10-15,000 steps or more each day this past summer, and since I have been back was doing 6-8000 still, and yoga twice a week and swimming once or twice, so I have been having exercise escape, meditations, and time completely away from work in that way. I have lost that — I cannot twist or bend, balance or stretch, bend or even sit cross-legged. My normal means of restoring my sanity/escaping is impossible. So the pain that is so overwhelming is compounded by my lack of time and ability to relax (my friend kept finding more and more knots in my back and butt, so I know it is not imaginary).
I am generally okay in the classroom. I seem to come alive when I am in front of a class and/or a group of students. I worry about them, as stress each year seems to be felt at higher levels than that the year before. The calmer I can appear to be, the better available I am to my students who need support and comfort. After the first week of classes, a student died unexpectedly. I have never before had a student in one of my classes die, although I have had deaths touch those I was teaching. I wish I had been able to do something for him, and I really want to have the ability to support those who knew him (who were “taking the class together with him,” as one student put it). I am doing my best, but, to be honest, when I have some time to think and try to reorder things I get so distracted by my own pain I can only offer support when asked for it, and not be preemptive.
I really hope things get better for all of us around here, and that the family and friends of the student who has died are able to find comfort somehow.
Please let me know that your semester is starting off a bit more pleasantly, or at least in a state that is easier to manage. Or share your concerns here. This is a safe place.