It is a little known fact that the recording apparatus of the Richard Nixon administration, famously operated by his then-secretary, Rose Mary Woods, is still largely in operation. The mechanics and the sound quality are improved, and the transcription is entirely automated. Unfortunately, the computer encryption is not yet quite up to the standards of Russians, and this transcription was recently extracted by a 400-pound man in New Jersey, depicting an encounter between the president and a certain intelligence committee chair…
DT: Wait. Who’s the “they?”
DN: The intelligence committee.
DT: We have an intelligence committee?
DT: Everything is a relative term.
DN: No, everything is an absolute term.
DT: Well… wait. Which everything are you talking about?
DN: The Russians everything.
DT: There’s a lot of Russian everythings out there. Which one is this?
DN: Holdings, properties…
DN: Recorded conversations…
DT: Wait… Going back how far?
DN: And then there are the videos…
DT: How did my hair look…?
DT: Ouch… In all of them?
DN: One or two were, I think, pre-plugs.
DN: That’s kind of what I was trying to say.
DT: No, wait. Okay. Who saw this?
DT: And that’s everybody?
DN: No, I mean… I checked in with Paul Ryan first…
DN: Well, you know… broad strokes.
DT: There’s a video of broad strokes?
DN: No, just… Bird’s eye view…
DN: No, I mean I just kind of painted him a general picture…
DN: No… of the situation.
DT: And what did he say…?
DN: Um… nothing. He just plugged his ears and made humming noises…
DT: Hm. Okay, well, maybe we’ll have to have Sergei pay him a visit…
DT: You don’t want to know.
DN: But what about the committee…?
DT: This was in… what do you call it… “private session?”
DN: Yeah, well, “Closed hearing.”
DT: Which means, it’s like a secret, right?
DT: Nobody can talk about it?
DN: Not, at least, until the FBI releases it.
DT: And who makes that call…?
DN: Yes, nobody can say anything about it in public until Comey lifts the embargo.
DT: So, Comey could open this whole thing up?
DT: (Writing a note, to himself:) Sergei… pay a visit to Comey…
DN: Um… what do you want me to do?
DN: Well, we’re in the middle of the investigation.
DN: Um… we’ve got meetings coming up. I’m the head of the committee…
DN: Witnesses are coming in.
DN: FBI people, CIA, NSA, Sally Yates…
DN: She’s seen the videos.
DN: Um… I don’t think it’s her thing.
DT: Down. Close it down. You’re done, son.
DN: But, they’re due to testify tomorr—
DT: Done. Done. No more TV for you kids.
DN: But everybody knows we’re scheduled to—
DT: No more TV. No more super-secret meetings. Just, you know, no more meetings.
DN: But, if I close it down now… people saw me coming to the White House tonight.
DT: That won’t stop Sergei.
DN: Um… what can I do for Sergei…?
DT: Let’s just say you had a meeting with Sergei?
DT: A hypothetical meeting. You met, you talked, and let’s say Sergei had some information.
DT: In fact, Sergei’s information proved what I said just last month: Obama tapped me.
DT: Yes. He’s a tapper. A big, fat, dirty tapper. He tapped that bitch.
DT: Yes. That’s it. You came here. You met with Sergei. Only don’t say Sergei. Just say… this was the only secure location. You met with an informant here, in the White House.
DN: The informant came here?
DT: Yes. And he had all kinds of good shit. About how I was tapped.
DN: You do know that you weren’t actually tap—
DT: I said, I was tapped. Sergei—whomever – totally vindicated everything I said. It was vindickatory. It was vindalicious. It was vindiculous? They vindickilated the shit out of me.
DT: Bigly. Write that down.
DT: Not bigly. Vindiculatory. I have total vindicklatude.
DT: Do you want to visit with Sergei?
DN: No! Um, I mean… no, I’m good…
DT: Sergei can be awfully convincing…
DN: No, I think I got it.
DT: Repeat it back to me.
DN: I came to the White House to meet with an informant. – What would an informant be doing at the White House…?
DN: Yes, the informant was at the White House!
DN: And that’s all I know.
DN: And… I promised him total secrecy.
DT: Defcon 4 super secrecy.
DT: So secret, you can’t tell the press, the investigators, that Comey guy…
DT: Please… whose side are you on?
DN: That's right. The committee is done.
DT: Only... don't actually tell them that the committee is done...
DT: No... just cancel all the meetings.
DT: And... see if anybody notices.