From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"He's the gift that keeps on giving"
Karma has collected. Mighty Peabody-not-winning, war-not-corresponding, walking bag of bullshit Bill O'Reilly has finally met his Loofahloo. Apparently Fox News has its limits: $13 million in payouts to settle sexual harassment lawsuits is where they draw the line. So he's getting the heave-ho.
It would be nice if we could take a bit more joy in this, but the circumstances surrounding his departure---not to mention his now-former sicko employer's years-long interventions on his behalf instead of his victims'---warrant more anger and nausea (if not legal action) than mirth.
Still, one thought running through my head this morning that has me grinning a bit has to do with one particular bit of closure. For the better part of two decades, I watched the running feud between O'Reilly and Al Franken, most famously brought to a head during the 2003 BookExpo America (All recounted in Al's aptly-titled book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, still essential reading). The more Al got under Billo's skin by debunking his BS, the more O'Reilly predicted Franken's doom: he'd never be a successful radio host (he was), he'd never get elected senator (he did), he'd never get reelected (he did), on and on. So there's a certain schadenfreudalistic satisfaction in watching the S.S. Falafel slip beneath the waves, a victim of its own torpedo.
To commemorate Freedom From Ferretface Day, enjoy this classic clip of Al (with co-host Katherine Lanpher) on Air America doing what he does best: making Bill O’Reilly look like the bloated fool he is...
From this day forth, we shall speak no more of it.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Scheduling Note: Here we go again. Next week is going to be an abbreviated one, C&J-wise, because of---[toot toot]---Chemo Session #2. Yes, bright and early Monday morning we'll strap ourselves into one of Mercy Hospital's finest faux-leather barcaloungers and enjoy a heady cocktail made from equal parts Folfox-fluorouracil, Oxaliplatin, and Leucovorin. (Shake well with crushed ice, add a lime twist, force it into the veins with a Civil War cannon plunger and enjoy!) The goal: frog-marching as many evil cancer cells (with faces eerily resembling Mike Pence’s) as possible to the depths of hell. So next week will be a Wednesday through Friday thing. As promised, the missing columns will be added on the back end free of charge, and you'll all receive a free coupon good for one epidural to numb the body part of your choice. Thanks for your patience. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Science March on D.C. and across the country: 2
Days 'til the 5th International Jazz Day: 10
Number of states in which medical marijuana is legal: 26
Trump approval rating in the latest Marist poll: 39%
Annual income and jobs, respectively, that will likely be lost if Texas passes the anti-LGBT bills they're currently toying with, according to a Visit San Antonio studio: $3.3 billion / 35,600
Portion of your tax dollar that goes to the military-industrial complex, according to the National Priorities Project: 23.4 cents
Portion of your tax dollar that goes to education and scientific research, respectively: 2.8 cents, 1 cent
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
There are just some things I know from living in Texas all my life. One is, don't bother to build a fence.
Two is, if you want to stop illegal immigrants, stop the people who hire them---quit punishing people who come because there are jobs.
Three, this border has always been porous, and it has always worked to the advantage of the United States. If you want to do the smart thing and look for a long-term solution, try fixing NAFTA and helping with economic development in Mexico.
---April 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Rise and….oh, whatevs...
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CHEERS to stretchin' out those hamstrings and spellcheckin' those signs. As mentioned above, this weekend's big science march is just two days away. The planning for this one started right after the women's marches in January, so I'd expect crowds to be even bigger than last weekend's Tax Day events. You can read the goals of the march here, and find out where the nearest march is near you here. Kenneth Kimmel of the Union of Concerned Scientists writes in The Guardian:
As a colleague observed: “You know you’re in trouble when scientists take to the streets.” He’s right. I’ve worked closely with scientists for decades and, by training and temperament, they tend to be happiest in the lab, testing and retesting experiment results---among the last groups of people you might expect to find protesting.
So, why are they grabbing placards now? Because an unprecedented attack on science, scientists and evidence-based policymaking is underway in the US federal government. […]
There is nothing subtle about Trump’s antipathy to science. As a candidate, he dismissed decades of established scientific evidence by calling global warming a “hoax” and he has displayed an unprecedented disregard for facts and evidence throughout his brief presidency, even on matters as trivial as the size of the crowd at his inauguration. […]
As the demonstrations are likely to show, an enormous number of people understand what is stake. The greatest attack on science in memory may wind up spurring the greatest mobilisation of scientists, and allies far and wide, we have ever seen.
Remember: if you plan to march for science this weekend, wear sensible shoes, keep yourself hydrated, and watch for flying flubber.
CHEERS to dumping ballast over the side of the blimp. There was much rejoicing throughout the land as House Let’s Not Do Oversight Or Government Reform Committee chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) announced he's fleeing the swamp. He will not seek reelection in 2018. Chaffetz was, simply, the worst kind of skeezy politician: the kind who refuses to investigate horrible behavior on the part of his own party members. History will record that he stood around picking his nose with his eyes closed while the President of the United States colluded with the Russians to both influence an election and line their pockets with ill-gotten booty. Good riddance, pal. Kossack Walter Einenkel has a backstabalicious list of possibles for why he's cutting and running. But Chaffetz insists that's not true, saying he simply wants to spend more time with his family gathering nuts in his cheeks for the winter.
JEERS to gun nuts going gun-nutty. The Columbine High School massacre took place on this date in 1999 as Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (who, yes, went bowling that morning) killed 12 classmates and a teacher and wounded 26 others. If you feel so inclined, you can donate to the upkeep of the Columbine Memorial, and it might not be a bad idea to give Michael Moore's Oscar-winner another look, either, mainly because its relevance seems to burn hotter with every passing year:
There have been many school shootings since Columbine, and there'll be more. Warped minds, lax laws and loaded guns will, sadly, never be parted. Thank you very much, NRA.
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S P E C I A L N O T I C E
Name: USS Carl Vinson
Age: 35
Weight: 113,500 short tons
Description: Gray, huge, holds lots of planes, serves decent chow.
Last seen: In the Pacific Ocean accompanied by an "armada" of “sailing vessels” on its way to North Korea. Or Australia. Or who the hell knows where the damn thing is?
If spotted: please drop it in your nearest mailbox. Return postage guaranteed. Thank you!
Secretary of Defense James Mattis
P.S. If you do find it, please don’t tell anyone. This is really embarrassing.
E N D S P E C I A L N O T I C E
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CHEERS to the Energizer Justice. Happy birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, who just keeps going and going and going---he's 97 today. His career on the bench is dotted with so many common-sense opinions (not the least of which was his scathing dissent in 2000's Bush v. The Actual Winner), and we cannot thank him enough for staying on duty during Dubya's two terms, preventing him from appointing a third right-wing extremist following Alito and Roberts. Then there's his response to the Citizens United case: "Corporations help structure and facilitate the activities of human beings, to be sure, and their 'personhood' often serves as a useful legal fiction. But they are not themselves members of 'We the People' by whom and for whom our Constitution was established." And he didn’t mince words on the obstruction of Merrick Garland, either. From last May:
“Go ahead and hold a hearing” on Judge Merrick Garland, Stevens said Thursday.
“I’m not aware of any confirmation process that’s been delayed to the extent that this one is,” Stevens said. He added that it’s “really unfortunate” that the court will likely be down one justice months into its next term, which begins in October. …
As for Garland, Stevens said that he was a “really fine judge and an awfully decent man” and that the president “couldn’t have picked a better” nominee to fill Scalia’s spot.
For all you did to maintain the integrity of the Judicial Branch, sir, you are most deserving of the happiest retirement evuh.
JEERS to harps and wings denied. Big excitement around the globe as a massive asteroid headed straight for earth yesterday. And guess what? It actually smashed into our planet and destroyed everything including all of humanity. And now, as we wipe the after-life sleepies from our eyes, it slowly dawns on us: Heaven is just a carbon copy of the third planet from the sun, God is a forever-out-of-sight "clockmaker," and Trump is still president. Well. Shit.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 20, 2007
CHEERS to humpin' like bunnies. The latest government report shows that abstinence-only education---i.e. "Savin' it!"---is a big fat flop. So, kids, follow Uncle Bill's reality-based guidelines and you'll be fine: Have fun, love the one you're with, and be safe. Now here's some porno music to get ya started: Ooh wacka wacka boing boing wacka wacka... [4/20/17 Update: Now that the statute of limitations has expired, I can finally admit it: I plagiarized that porno music from Yanni. Sorry, man.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the mellowest national holiday ever. Today is 4/20, and that means it’s also Ben Masel Day! Ben was a beloved Kossack (User ID 3982, joining one day before the debut of C&J), perennial attendee at our Netroots Nation conventions, and a good-trouble-causer on behalf of legal pot, free speech and privacy rights whom the folks in Madison, Wisconsin will never forget. Read John Nichols’ 2012 tribute to him here. If only all activists could be as dogged as he was.
In his honor, we plan to twist up a fattie as we watch The Wizard of Oz with the sound turned down and replaced with Dark Side of the Moon. And miss ol’ Ben. A lot.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Alec Baldwin spilled to Stephen Colbert the method behind his Bill in Portland Maine impression during a visit to Tuesday's Late Show. "Shove your face like you’re trying to suck the slime off the side of a kiddie pool."
---Hollywood Reporter
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