My Fellow Americans,
I am going to say this one final time, and then this discussion is over. I decided not to support the Paris Climate Agreement for three reasons. First, I promised my base that I wouldn’t support it, and they are the only people who matter to me--at least in my speeches. (In reality, I am screwing them at every turn!)
I hate democrats--particularly Obama--and it is my goal to destroy everything he created. You may think this is racist, but that’s why my base voted for me. And, clearly, my congressional Republican lapdogs agree or they wouldn’t support everything I do.
Second, one of my top priorities is to continue destroying the Environmental Protection Agency. Most Republicans would agree with me that our party cares about jobs and Democratic tree huggers don’t. Over time, we have successfully made our followers think that it’s an either/or issue. If you care about the environment, you don’t care about jobs. We win, and the Democrats lose!!!
And, while my base doesn’t seem to get this, I also deeply care about getting rid of all the safeguards that impede rich people like me and the Mercers (among a host of others) from making as much money as we possibly can. (Of course, that’s why I love my base because they’re “poorly educated” and don’t get that I’m screwing them across the board.) By removing the United States from countries that support the Paris Climate Agreement, I am making a huge statement to the world about our priorities!
Finally, I wanted to metaphorically (not my word) give the finger to our European allies who were disrespectful to me on my first foreign trip. How dare Macron make fun of my handshake and pretend he won that contest! I gave the very best handshake in the history of handshaking. And, I really gave it to that Merkel woman when she visited the White House, and I didn’t shake hands with her. What’s the point of shaking hands with a woman? I might have liked the Thatcher broad, but this May woman is bland. I can’t remember the names of the other allies, but they’ll remember mine.
Yes, Steve Bannon is back because I’m really pissed at Jared. Why did he tell me I should go ahead and fire Comey, and that Democrats would be really pleased with this decision because he screwed Hilary out of the presidency? He was dead wrong, and all of his contacts with the Russians (in which I wasn’t involved at all, and had no knowledge of) is preventing me from enacting my budget (the very best budget), and moving on to reward the rich and screw the working class and the poor. And, don’t snigger when I say this about the poor because Paul Ryan hates the poor way more than I do, and he doesn’t get nearly as much flack as I do.
So, despite my deep love for Ivanka (the best and deepest love ever), I may be replacing people on the White House staff with people from my campaign staff. They were the ones who helped me get elected (although the entire strategy of the campaign was mine and mine alone), and they are completely loyal to me.
In truth, I could care less about democracy. With all the crap I’m getting from judges, I might decide to get rid of the judiciary in the same way I’m cutting the budget of the state department.
That’s my last word on the subject!
Sincerely yours!
The Donald