William Southold - CNS National Correspondent
As President Trump’s efforts to discredit the Mueller probe become increasingly frenetic (Spygate), and his lawyer Rudy Giuliani tromps from one TV interview after another like an unruly toddler bent on splashing through tweet-storm generated mud puddles, I decided to check in with lawyer Michael “The Burger” Giospani, currently acting “of counsel” to the president. Mr. Giospani, a “post conviction specialist” from California, has now set up shop a short distance from the White House in order to work more closely with Trump’s legal team.
Here’s how it went:
“Me and The Donald together again,” Mr. Giospani first said to me as I sat down with him in his new K Street office. “Let the good times roll!”
“Good times,” I responded. “So everything is under control with the Mueller probe, then. No problems?”
“Well, let me put it like this. Trump goes nonstop, we all know that. Can hardly keep up with him. As a result, Mueller’s pullin up to an all you can eat buffet, a veritable smorgasbord. The man’s takin his time goin over the menu - gotta give him that.”
“Do you have any idea what he wants to order?”
“We been watchin’; the man seems to be a picky eater. But, he’s also a uninvited guest, as far as we’re concerned, remember that. He shouldn’t even be in the place. Now he’s here, we all just hope he don’t find anything tasty, goes away hungry. Let’m try Hillary’s Kitchen. That’s where he should be parkin’ his fat . . . derrière.”
I had talked to Mr. Giospani by phone several weeks ago, prior to his arrival here in D.C. I was familiar with his somewhat unorthodox style of expression. I wanted to get down to what had interested me most when I heard he had been added to Trump’s team.
“So, Trump’s legal team. Are they worried that charges are coming, and the president won’t be able to avoid the consequences? Is that why you’re here? That is your specialty, getting people out of jail.”
“Hey, we’re a long way from that, let me assure you. I’m just here for a little ‘preventative maintenance’.” Mr. Giospani emphasized the point with air quotes.
“Preventative maintenance? Like what, specifically, if you would care to share it.”
“Well, first off we been workin’ with Senator Cornyn in the whole prison reform thing. You know, like ‘just in case’”. (Mr. Giospani is obviously a big fan of air quotes.)
“What does prison reform have to do with what you’re doing?”
“Well, if things go south, which they won’t, but if they do, we gotta prepare for that. Listen, if my man has to do any time, it’s gonna be the shortest time in history, you understand that. That’s what I do. In-N-Out with the Burger. Always. But we want his time to be ‘doable’”. (Again, with the air quotes.)
And ‘doable’ means?” (God, this air quote thing is catching.)
“For him - gotta have a cell phone. Unrestricted. We got that put into the prison reform thing. Special Presidential Provision #1.”
“So if President Trump is incarcerated, at any point, he gets to keep his cell phone.”
“He said he wouldn’t sign the damn thing if it wasn’t in there. Let me tell you, and you can count on it. He plans to keep running the Republican Party, no matter what. So, he’ll need his tweet machine.”
“He thinks he can stay in charge, from prison? His followers will stick with him?”
“With his new ‘bad boy’ image, with his crowd, not a problem. It’s a lock. And, he’ll pick up the prison vote.”
I remember thinking, if past is prologue . . .
“What else falls under ‘preventative maintenance’?” (Damn it, did it again!)
“Well, he ain’t never goin’, so put that outta your mind. Worst case, he does some ‘down home time’. In Trump Tower, or at one of his golf courses.”
“House arrest. Does he wear an ankle monitor?”
“No. House arrest with honor system, ankle monitor designee. Someone who’s gotta stay close at all times wears the thing. Presidential Provision #2. Also in the bill.”
“That would be different.”
“The Burger breakin’ new ground! That’s what they pay me for. His son Eric already volunteered. Braggin’ about it, actually. Thinks it would be cool. Lookin’ forward to it. The whole ‘Bonnie & Clyde’ thing - bought himself a double breasted suit.”
Mr. Giospani’s eyes shot up to the left, paused, his twisted facial expression suggested he was trying to picture the whole thing, then added, “Sometimes I worry about Eric.”
“So that’s what you’ve been working on. That’s what brought you from California to D.C.”
“Well that, and preparing the groundwork if his other lawyers really stink it up, and he has to go someplace. Rudy ain’t off to a great start, have you noticed? Thinkin’ about a venue, a place to land. Someplace won’t be too unpleasant, if The Donald gotta do the time. No matter how short.”
“A minimum security prison?”
“Dormitory livin’, no bars, no fences. They call ‘em camps. That’s the word I been usin’ with The Donald. It seems to relax him, at least a little.”
At that, a distinctive four-note phrase from Beethoven's Fifth seem to fill the room, and Mr. Giospani pulled his cell phone from his pocket and answered it. After a short back and forth he put it down and explained he had to cut the interview short.
“Sorry, Mr. Southold. Gotta go. The team wants me over at the ‘big house’. That’s what I call the White House. Rudy don’t like it when I say that, but then again, he’s the reason for the meeting, so . . .”
Mr. Giospani shrugged, as if his shoulders delivered all the meaning of what he was saying that was required. I thanked him for his time and walked back to the office to file this report.
These are interesting times, and I have no doubt that Mr. Giospani’s presence in D.C. will have no depreciating effect on the matters at hand.
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(In case you missed it - In Memorial Day tweet, Trump announces he has expanded his base to those who have died for our country, noting “they would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing today.”)