An outbreak of a very infectious and difficult to treat strain of HPV, Human Papadopoulos Virus, has been spreading in the DC area and parts of Maryland and Virginia. If you have been sexually active with an NRA advocate, Russian Nationals, people speaking with Russian accents, or have been in "private closed door meetings" with a powerful Russian — you may have been exposed and should seek treatment immediately.
Human Papadopoulos Virus is extremely contagious. Infection can occur through oral contracts and other unsavory acts.
Symptoms include but are not limited to: Confusion - Saying things like "Would" when you meant "Wouldn't" even though you really mean "Would". Shifty, pink or puffy eyes. Using slurs repeatedly in your speeches. Hair loss and treason.
Left untreated Human Papadopoulos Virus can lead to a cancer on the body politic.
If you or someone close to you has been exposed to Human Papadopoulos Virus, please see a doctor immediately—a psychiatrist.