So, back when the Orange Turd first took office, I endeavored to maintain a blog about current events, in which I would poke fun of the absurdities of this mal-administration and call out its faults and foibles. I proved to be comically overwhelmed at addressing this task, as the pace of news rendered any of my scribblings obsolete before I could complete a blog post. Plus, at the time, I was adjusting to a new job in a new city with a new commute and other new life issues, not to mention the fact that my brain was forced to re-comprehend daily that this utter failure dipshit of an excuse for a human being had somehow been elected to be president of my country.
The blog was short-lived and no longer exists. But I dug up this post the other day, and was shocked. I wrote this shortly after Shart L’Orange was inaugurated, and at the time it seemed sufficiently out there to count as absurd.
Turns out, I’m a freakin’ psychic.
Leaked: Text* from Donald Trump’s most controversial executive order yet
The following is draft text of an executive order being circulated in the White House.
(*May not contain actual text from an actual executive order.)
PRESIDENTIAL EXECUTIVE ORDER ON THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS REGARDING THE 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
Purpose: The Presidency of the United States is the most important office in the universe. It plays a vital role in the legal, military, commercial, diplomatic, economic, and regulatory affairs of all creation, everywhere, all the time. Therefore, disruptive elements such as satire, parody, “jokes,” and other allegedly “humorous” contrivances pose a direct threat to the efficacy of the sacred office of President of the United States. This finding also holds for attempts to apply reality-based assessments of the executive branch’s plans, efforts and actions. This legally binding presidential order decrees that all such “humorous” or reality-based elements are against the best interests of the United States of America, as they subject the President and the executive branch to language, experiences, and standards that apply to people other than those who are President or members of the executive branch.
Policy: It is the policy of the United States to protect its executive, in this case the Most Honorable and Excellent President Donald J. Trump, from the aforementioned “humorous” and reality-based elements. Furthermore, reality-based criteria are found to be detrimental to the execution of the executive branch’s responsibilities, as such criteria could place limits on what the executive branch can claim to have accomplished.
Mandatory suggested guidelines (that have the force of law) on expressions, thoughts and feelings about the Accomplished Leader, Renaissance President Donald J. Trump:
(a) By definition, comparisons to previous elections or inauguration ceremonies are neither valid nor relevant because President Donald J. Trump did not participate in them.
(b) The following phrases and any phrases found to be similar are banned from public and private speech, winking asides, thoughts, and memories in relation to the Presidency: “You’re in” the presidency; “flow,” “stream,” “shower,” etc.; or statements that the President “squeezed out” a victory in the November elections.
(c) As of the effective date of this order, it is decreed that the tax records belonging to His Highest Exaltedness President Donald J. Trump have been publicly released, reviewed by the IRS and the media, and found to be completely in order and so inconsequential that their publication, and further discussion thereof, is forbidden.
(d) As of the effective date of this order, President Donald J. Trump, Seer and Knower of All Things on the Earth and in the Heavens, is the richest, most successful businessman in the universe, and shall be acknowledged as such at every mention of his name.
(e) As of the effective time and date of this order, there is no such thing as a country named Russia. Nor is there a man named Vladimir Putin.
This order may be amended with additional mandatory suggested guidelines (that have the force of law).
His Holiness the President of the United States,
DONALD J. TRUMP
The White House
February 1, 2017
I was being redunkulous when I wrote this, but it has the same tone and language as an actual White House letter to Congress. Heck, I bet this missive could get me hired on to Trump’s legal team!
(I’d insist on payment in advance, though. In cash.)