On this date in 2015, 2016, 2017, as well as 2018, “Crazy/Stupid Republican of the Day posted profiles of the current U.S. Speaker of the House and U.S. House Representative for Wisconsin’s 1st District, Paul Ryan, and in that breakdown of the 2012 Vice-Presidential candidate, we covered everything from his bizarre fascination with the P90X workout system, to his immense hard-on for the philosophies of Ayn Rand, to the fact that he was literally in bed with a lobbyist, who he ended up marrying. His voting record was laid bare, from his support for fetal Personhood bills, to his staggeringly anti-gay voting record, to the budgets he’s written that favor the rich over the poor so much that nuns are willing to follow him around to deal a heaping dose of Catholic guilt in his direction for ignoring Christian values (while purporting himself to have them). Paul Ryan may have been the “ringer” that conservatives were clamoring for to save the presidential aspirations of Mitt Romney, but all they did was shine a spotlight on the Congressman who used to be content fading into the background and grinding out budgets and trying to keep a low profile. That went out the window when he was forced into a position of leadership after the resignation of House Speaker John Boehner, because the Plan A to Boehner’s successor, Eric Cantor, got beat in a primary election and the Plan B to be Boehner’s heir apparent that the establishment GOP picked, California Congressman Kevin McCarthy, completely botched his step out into the limelight. The GOP’s “House Freedom Caucus” at that point was refusing to accept any establishment candidate as House Speaker, save one… Paul Ryan. Begrudgingly, Congressman Ryan agreed to take the worst job in Washington and hope he could herd cats better than Speaker Boehner did. But he did so only after making a demand that the gig wouldn’t get in the way of his family time. Which is hilarious, because this Randian disciple has previously voted against family leave when the issue’s come up in Congress. (Classic conservative hypocrisy… the people should get no entitlements, BUT I SHOULD!) But yeah, we’re talking about the GOP’s THIRD pick for a job that he didn’t even want. And boy, has he been terrible at it. Barely a few months into the job, he was already fighting with the House Freedom Caucus, too. Hell, they already hated his guts seven weeks into the job, when he first tried passing a budget.
And that’s not Paul Ryan’s only headache. All through the 2016 GOP Presidential Primary, Donald Trump, for a lack of a better term, said a lot of stupid, crazy s***. Comments from Trump that were so outrageous that Speaker Ryan was left with no choice but to condemn him when the Beltway media asks him to comment on it. And while he is forced to distance his party from the frontrunner of the presidential primary, he also went out of his way to still say he’d have to support Trump if he is the nominee. Meanwhile, at the first perceived sign of disloyalty, Donald Trump was threatening to support Ryan’s own hard-right opponent, Phil Nehlen, in his primary for his seat. That’s how insane things are right now, the GOP candidate for president was backbiting and chafing at their Speaker of the House and nearly sabotaged his own chances at re-election as late as AUGUST of a campaign. Spoiler alert, though… Paul Ryan was re-elected rather easily. But maybe he’d be happier if he’d lost, after all, his daily routine has become… the Beltway media throw a Donald Trump quote, or read a Twitter post from him at Paul Ryan, and he has to pretend like it’s not the ravings of a lunatic, even if it’s straight up tinfoil hat paranoia about having his phone tapped by President Obama himself. Meanwhile, these days any perceived disloyalty or failure Ryan might display trigger Trump and his lackeys at Fox News to lay the blame at Ryan’s feet, with vultures like Judge Jeanine Pirro calling for his resignation.
As the GOP gained control of the House, Senate, and White House… they were finally set to repeal the Affordable Care Act, a wet dream of Paul Ryan’s that isn’t Ayn Rand for almost seven years now… to take access to healthcare away from poor people. He didn’t even flinch after meeting a man from his own district at a town hall who is a Republican who hated the ACA at first, but had to admit it saved his friggin’ life. Paul Ryan was so jacked up to give tax breaks to rich people by yanking insurance coverage from the filthy poors that he decided to hype his ideas with a PowerPoint presentation, but in the process, showed he didn’t seem to even understand HOW INSURANCE WORKED. But has Paul Ryan actually learned anything, and realize he might want to work across the aisle with some Democrats if changes are to be made to the ACA? Of course not! He refused to work with any of them, either.
We might feel bad for him if he wasn’t an elitist ****sponge, or y’know, if Paul Ryan actually did his job and properly led an investigation into the fact that the Trump campaign is believed to have colluded with the Russian government and the oligarchs running their country to sway the election in their favor. Or just have enough of a spine to say Trump is, y’know, WRONG when he says things like voter fraud allowed over 3 million people to vote illegally and cost him the popular vote. Or condemn Trump and abandon him for admitting he’s a puss-burglar who commits sexual assault. (To say nothing of the number of members of the House who have been accused of sexual harassment, who Ryan wistfully remembers positively when they’re forced to resign like Trent Franks or Tim Murphy.)
Now, after the election of Donald Trump, did any semblance of a spine reappeared in this cruel Randian disciple? In two words, “F*** NO.”
How did repealing the Affordable Care Act go? Well, after hypocritically doing everything he accused Democrats of doing to pass the ACA (he was lying in ’09, of course), thanks to GOP Senators Murkowski, Collins, and McCain defecting from the cause, it failed in the Senate, likely leaving Paul Ryan with the worst set of blue balls since he didn’t get to completely f*** over poor people.
That dull ache had to bother Speaker Ryan something fierce as he GOP, despite having a majority in both branches of our legislature and their own demented puppet in the White House managed to go almost a full year without any legislative successes to tout. That is, until December of 2017, where Ryan finally got what he always wanted for Christmas to celebrate Republican Jesus, a tax reform bill that created the opportunities for the richest to find even MORE tax breaks while placing the long term burden of American taxes on… its poorest citizens. It’s a tax plan that’s so s***ty for the poor that even the “up front” savings it gave the poorest Americans amount to about a buck and a half a week, which Paul Ryan managed to try to boast about, as if it was impressive, only to be openly mocked on social media. (He’s so cruel, and has given the needs of others so little thought that he’s completely out of touch with what real people need to survive.) That’s been it for legislative achievements for Ryan and his cronies, but he doesn’t care, as his Koch Bros. masters sent him a check for half a million dollars the day after it passed.
And that’s his only legislative achievement. But when it comes to dragging his feet? If that were an Olympic event, Speaker Ryan would be draped in more medals than Michael Phelps by now. Let’s just start with Ryan’s inaction on gun violence… For 3 years, he’s pretended that people haven’t been dying in mass shootings, and still wants the American people to believe when they inevitably happen that it’s an isolated incident, and not a HUGE pattern going on. Any move to prevent further ones? That’s a “knee jerk reaction”. Never you mind that people’s knees are jerking because the bodies they’re attached to have been riddled with bullets. Hell, after the largest mass shooting in modern American history took place in Las Vegas, Paul Ryan was too craven about angering the NRA to even call for definitive action to be taken against bump stocks (the device used by the shooter to effectively turn his rifles into automatic weapons). The absolute motherf***ing invertebrate is content to let people keep dying while he sits back and just sends his “thoughts and prayers” because “they work” (clearly they don’t) and continues to cash those NRA checks without losing an iota of sleep every night.
But surely, Paul Ryan can at least have shown the American people he’s able to stand up to Donald Trump after their long, murky relationship with each other, and the fact that the entire Trump administration has been a cesspool of corruption and incompetence, right? HA! No. Paul Ryan ignores all the failings and wrongdoing the way you’d expect, by pretending it’s not happening and just wanking even harder about screwing over poor people. When the story of the day is that Trump campaign officials are getting indicted, Ryan would much rather talk about how great his s***ty tax plan is going (Reminder: It isn’t going well with Americans during tax season of 2019). And honestly, that’s one of his more honorable moments. Ryan defended Donald Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey for not making the Russian collusion investigation go away. Which is goddamned pathetic when you remember there’s audio of Paul Ryan being told by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy that “Putin pays Trump”.
He’s riding a horse along the U.S./Mexico border like a putz as part of a fundraising blitz and wanting Trump’s stupid border wall built (which is an interesting stance for a supposed intelligent fiscal conservative to want to waste money on a useless novelty project). Paul Ryan had to be shamed by Jake Tapper in a CNN interview to even acknowledge that Donald Trump’s “both sides” remarks after the terrorist attack carried out by Neo-Nazis in Charlottesville was wrong. Like, if you couldn’t bring yourself to speak ill of Trump then? He did only moderately better when Trump spoke about “s***hole countries”, managing the nerve to say those remarks were “unfortunate” and “unhelpful”.
In effect, Paul Ryan is a crazen s*** who feared not winning re-election, so opted to “retire” in 2018, not long after our last profile. He was one of the LAMEST lame duck Congressmen in the history of the House, twiddling his thumbs impotently and shrugging whenever asked to comment on any of the abhorrent quotes from Donald Trump. The only thing he could be arsed to do in his last days in office was to try and increase the amount of immigration in America… provided those immigrants are IRISH. This during a supposed “immigration crisis” at our southern border. Because immigrants are fine for Paul Ryan, as long as they’re genetically like him.
If you think the infectious touch of Paul Ryan is gone from American politics… not exactly. He’ll continue smearing his own brand of s*** about because even further underlining the fact that Fox News is state television for the Republican Party… Paul Ryan was hired with no experience to be on the Board of Directors of Fox Corp, the parent company of Fox News only a few weeks ago.
In conclusion, f*** Paul Ryan, and may he never win any political office again.