As you probably know, Boris Johnson, the British prime minister, was born in New York. What you don’t know, is that his real name is Bertie. Look at the name he made up for his passport, official documents and Wikipedia: Alexander Boris de Pfeffel. No couple of loving parents would throw a burden like that on their innocent offspring.
I’d like to draw a cartoon with Bertie, his ambitions, and his valet. Since I don’t have the spare time for drawings for the full dialog, I decided to post just the first panel and leave the missing 23 panels to your imagination.
Here we go:
- Did I tell you how dearly I appreciate the efforts you made recently, on my behalf, with Her Majesty?
- Yes sir, at least once a day.
- Uh, well… Me reminding you doesn’t hurt, does it?
- Always a pleasure, sir.
- You had a very special second task going there, Jeeves. Did you tell Her Majesty about my divorce plan?
- That was my duty, sir.
- And…?
- As I told you upon returning from Balmoral, she had a message for you, sir. She would have to inform Philip.
- Oh, he’ll be delighted, finally free after all these years. Then, after the divorce, she will marry me, making me the king of England.
- If you allow me a small correction, sir, the title is Prince.
- It is now. We will change that, don’t worry... After we’ve been married for a suitable celebrities period, a couple of months, half a year, we shall divorce. Some bridges need burning. She will be free to marry Philip again.
- Do we have further plans, sir?
- Yes! Here, in brief, is my plan. Next year I will be elected Vice President of the United States, adding some class to Mr. Trump’s ticket. In 2024, I will be elected his successor.
- Very good indeed, sir. Moving into the White Supremacy House has been a dream of ours for a long time, hasn’t it, sir?
- Well, yes, nondum re sed spe, as the Roman emperors put it. Your individual future will be decided in a later stage, Jeeves.
- Of course, sir.
- In 2025, I will prorogue the Congress, forever and a day, and run the whole darned business from my Parliament in London…
- Experience has it that any kind of rogue will serve you well, sir.
- … which means: even a thousand years from now, children will learn in history class that I, me, myself, the Bertram Wilberforce Wooster I, was the valiant king who brought the colonies back to the motherland. MAGA – Make America Greatbritish Again.
Do you think this is the whole plan? I’m not sure. Why should the sky be a limit? Bertie might convert to Catholicism and run for Pope. On the other hand, being a Pope means being second to the Lord Almighty. Such a position is not really Bertie’s cup of tea.