In the gloomy funk and angst of the West Wing after the disastrous Rudy Giuliani press conference, everyone remembered when those momentous words landed when the President said: "So, it all comes down to Black people voting against me in Detroit, Philadelphia, and Atlanta! Can't we just eliminate their votes?"
Even Stephen Miller conceded: "Sir, that is such a cruel and over-the-top preposterous idea. I wish I had thought of it." Other staff members nodded in admiration for the man who had won their love and respect through inspired moments of lunacy such as these.
Taking in the adulation of his underlings, the President said, "I will talk to Justice Thomas to see if he can make this fly!"
When the President called, Justice Thomas was surprisingly encouraging. The judge mentioned that while the 14th Amendment of the Constitution gave Black people all the rights of White people, Article 1 of the Constitution actually considered a Black person to be only three fifths of a White person. He observed: "I am an originalist -- and Article 1 is even more original than the 14th Amendment." But, he cautioned: "You know, I am a judge, right? I have to be fair. I can't throw out all their votes -- but I can argue a Black vote will only count for three fifth of a vote. Will that work for you, Mr. President?"
The President was a bit surprised: "Justice Thomas -- are you saying it is OK with you to be considered only three fifths of a White man, any White man?"
Without hesitation, the Justice responded: "Being three fifths of a White man is better than Africans have managed to achieve on their own. I would take that deal any day. Besides, once I married Ginny, I more than caught up!" , he added, laughing loudly, as he is known to do.
His spirits elevated by the unexpectedly upbeat words of Justice Thomas, the President screamed at Mark Meadows: "Get Kash to look at the numbers! I think we can win this f--king thing!"
The President was referring to Kash Patel, mocked by the rest of the staff as a brown, musclebound, meathead, but now directing the post-election data team of Russian spies who had a perfect SAT Math score. Kash went to see if the brilliant new strategy, with the gravitas of a Supreme Court Justice, could turn things around in the 3 key states.
While the President's depleted data team crunched the numbers, he himself simply could not contain his euphoria. He called his confidants in the media to plot the communications strategy and narrative for his comeback victory. Everyone was excited to hear that the President was back in winning mode again!
After an interminable hour, Kash Patel returned with horrible news: "It's not going to work, Mr President.” Like a doctor bringing news of a patient’s death to waiting family members, he continued: “It is brutal sir. Black people voted against you 85/15 -- and Black women really hate your guts Mr President! 98/0 -- pollsters are saying they've never seen a 0 % in polling. Even if you use the three/fifths formula to discount Black votes, you lose Georgia, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. It’s over, sir! I’m sorry."
The President looked like he had been hit by a train. His whole expression began to reflect the defeat he had been trying to stave off bravely for over two weeks. He asked plaintively: "Any news from the military or intelligence or Homeland Security? Is anybody going to help me?"
After a long pause, Mark Meadows spoke up: "Well, Colonel Sanders called Sir."
Brightening momentarily, the President: "He is a great American. This is the guy who led the operations in Fallujah, right?
His voice wavering with emotion, Meadows said: "No sir, Mr. President. This was Colonel Sanders, from Kentucky Fried Chicken, calling to let you know you will always be his President."