DISCLAIMER: What follows is an allegorical effort to decode the odd reasoning of the many Americans who continue to support Public Enemy No. 1. See if you can recognize the hidden identities of the two main characters (joking)!
You're a first-class passenger on the Titanic. It's sinking fast, but that's ok because compared to the last ship you were on, the Titanic has so much more gilt and satin and comfy beds. The Titanic’s Captain Donnie has jammed twice as many third-class steerage passengers into the base of the ship’s hold. These base passengers are beset by twice as many rats as on the last ship, and have paid twice as much for their tickets. But unlike that other ship, the Titanic's crew doesn’t help control the rats, so the base has to work twice as hard to keep them from overrunning the first-class deck. This is just one of their new privileges, made possible because Captain Donnie scoffed at outmoded regulations and allowed so many more passengers to squeeze in. As if by magic, the percentage of those who couldn’t fit plunged, and the percentage of those who couldn’t breathe rose.
This is a good thing, as you and the other first-class passengers well-know, because the base likes dirty work (and indeed isn’t fit for any other kind). Apart for some whining nonsense that occasionally emerges from the hold — carping about exhaustion and disease and that sort of foolishness -- the base is happy, and has indeed kept the rats from spreading.
None of this matters, though, because Captain Donnie has just rammed the Titanic into an iceberg and you'll all drown, including the rats.
Your deep gratitude to your Chosen One is only matched by your deep contempt for the evil Captain Barry, the last ship’s Captain, whom you would never choose for anything.
Why? Because 1) Captain Barry wasn’t actually born anywhere, as far as anyone knows; 2) didn't come close to ramming an iceberg or sinking his ship; 3) spent far less money to build that ship; and 4) allocated far more money to reinforcing his hull far more effectively. Also, he was much better at managing budgets than Captain Donnie, and with every trip, his ship made a bigger profit. That meant that his investors (you among them), came closer and closer to being debt-free.
And all of this was bad.
By contrast, under Captain Donnie’s stewardship the Titanic's investors (you among them), spent much more money, and found yourselves in what appeared to be a bottomless spiral of debt -- until your Captain shifted your debt to the base; which, because there were now so many more of them locked in the hold, worked splendidly! After all, base passengers are born to struggle to support their families.
Yes, there have been trade-offs: the Titanic is now tilted at 90 degrees, with its bow pointed straight down into the ocean. But -- and this is the point -- you have little debt, and anyway, it's such fun to slide down the deck toward oblivion! And while Captain Barry was highly skilled at steering, studied hard, was always learning, and believed that not hitting icebergs was important — Captain Donnie is the greatest Captain who ever lived, and therefore never needed to study anything about steering or being a Captain. His proof? Why, the greatest Captain who ever lived has declared him to be the greatest Captain who ever lived -- and who would know better?
This logic is unassailable and oh so comforting!
And there’s more! Captain Donnie isn’t actually on the Titanic with you; he has chosen to steer via wireless radio from his Golden Tower on-shore. There are three reasons for this: 1) he’s more important than any of you, and it would be wrong to take foolish risks; 2) he has bone spurs; 3) he can manage the crew more effectively if he doesn’t see their faces.
And manage them he does! He’s furious with the ship’s pilot for ramming the iceberg, and tells him so! Why? Because the pilot followed the Captain's orders to the letter, which the Captain issued with threats and bullying. If, instead, the mutinous pilot had followed the Captain's orders to the letter, which he did, the Titanic wouldn't have hit the iceberg! If, in other words, the malicious pilot had not chosen the path of betrayal, by brazenly following the Captain’s orders to the letter, and then compounding his insubordination by wasting precious time frantically warning the Captain that the Titanic was about to hit the iceberg, all would be well! Captain Donnie kept shouting at him to do as he was told because he never made mistakes, yet still the pilot went on with his frantic warnings, proving himself to be infuriating, crazy, disloyal, appalling, and despicable. Worst of all, the demented pilot ultimately chose to blow the ship’s “Mayday” whistle!
Treason!!!
To counter this massive betrayal, Captain Donnie was forced to waste more precious time. Thinking quickly, he declared “Mayday” a national holiday, and explained that the pilot had been celebrating early.
But the terrible pilot’s behavior still had to be addressed. How could he have ignored the orders of the greatest Captain who ever lived by following them to the letter? Who could believe that the greatest Captain who ever lived would order him to ram an iceberg, though he did so order? And still more despicable: how could he have blown the “Mayday” whistle, in a transparent attempt by this incompetent, disloyal, mutinous, horrible, sad, horrible, awful, sad, incompetent, treasonous, cowardly pilot to shift the responsibility for the deadly mistakes of the greatest Captain who ever lived from the pilot himself, who was not responsible for those mistakes, to the Captain, who was.
Because he was SICK and DERANGED! And filled with very very bad badness!
You and your fellow first-class passengers learn of all this just as you’re overrun by rats (the base having done its duty and drowned). And as you slide deliriously into the frigid ocean, you send up a cheer for your good fortune, shouting: "Make The Titanic Great Again!!!".
When it's over and you’re all dead, Captain Donnie sends his sincere and heartfelt thoughts and prayers to your grieving families, and arranges a massive celebration of his leadership, unparalleled in the history of history, at which he reveals that the whole thing was a hoax and a witch-hunt, no one died, there was no iceberg and no Titanic.
This event is held in his Golden Tower onshore, and no one shows up.
The following day, the triumphant Captain Donnie speaks to the press, whose stupid left-wing questions are appropriately drowned out by the ultra-loud helicopter that is now a permanent fixture bolted to the White House lawn. He shouts that, as they all well-know, yesterday’s celebration drew the greatest, largest, most biggest, most massivest crowd that has ever shown up for a celebration, which was a Mayday celebration at which no one showed up and the Titanic never existed.
And the people are happy.