Courtesy on the Ballot
‘He was a hero because he got captured, I like people who weren’t captured’
Donald J. Trump, questioning the valor of former Prisoner of War, and Naval Academy graduate,
Senator John McCain
Interview March 2016;
“…And when you’re a celebrity you can do anything…You can grab ‘em by the pussy,’
Donald J. Trump, Entertainment Tonight. March 2009;
“So funny to see Little Adam Schitt…” (D-CA), referring to Congressman Adam Schiff of California
Twitter November 18, 2018
Courtesy has a wide umbrella. Under its protective cover are huddled: comportment, graciousness, good manners, kindness, respect, decency, honor, and politeness - among others. Indeed, Politeness is the word that Andre Comte- Sponville employs when discussing those elements of action that comport with courtesy. And Sponville so highly regards politeness that in his ‘A Small Treatise on the Great Virtues’, he treats it as the primary virtue, listing it before all others, and opening his chapter on it by saying of it: “Politeness is the first virtue, and the origin perhaps of all the others.” But he almost immediately backs away from regarding it as a virtue in and of itself, by opening the next paragraph with a demotion. Reducing politeness to being: “a value, but…an ambiguous one, insufficient in itself.” Having chosen a different term, courtesy, to describe the elements of social interaction that allow us to extend grace to one another, I am comfortable regarding courtesy as a virtue. But do others agree? And, relevant to this discussion forum, is there any evidence of it in the character, choices, and human interactions of Donald Trump? Moreover, is it a necessary virtue for a President to possess?
Much of the writing on courtesy agrees that it is a primary virtue, the entrance level virtue; neither cardinal nor ordinal, but unequivocally essential. The Baha’i Faith goes a step beyond this and refers to courtesy as “the lord of all the virtues.” It is unquestionably a fundamental virtue, as it can be extended and expressed to a perfect stranger with little fear of impropriety. Although, in the modern age, with simple courtesy a rarity rather than the norm, misinterpreted impropriety is always a risk. Due to the protective sequestration of our social selves, there are times when courtesy can be mistaken as forwardness, or antiquated and unwanted chauvinism. Sufficient reflection can be helpful when employing the instinct to exercise the virtue.
So what is courtesy? Where does it come from? And why is it included in the pantheon of those human qualities that are regarded either as values or as virtues?
Etymologically, the word ‘courteous’ derives from the ancient French word courteis meaning ‘of the court’, or having courtly manners or bearing. This origin has justifiably faded as democratic, egalitarian society has progressed and developed. The formality of the middle-ages courts - the artificial rules, the practiced manners, the deference to the rank of state or nobility, the obsequious pandering to the next rung higher up the ladder – all added to the creation of the norms of courtesy. We see this in the current behavior of Trump’s minions. The executive branch in this administration is organized and conducted closer to the ethic of Palace at Versailles, with Trump as the Sun King (he does exhibit certain orange glow) rather than a representative democracy. Regrettably, much like a royal court, Trump’s appointed supporters extended courtesy to each other, but seldom beyond the walls of the palace, the ramparts of the castle, or, in this case the metaphorical fence around the executive branch. So royal fealty cannot be the only basis for the evolution of a virtue. It is too thin a portfolio. Where to look? Within.
Simply put, the true foundation of courtesy is the inherent dignity of every person. And if you don’t believe that that dignity is inherent, don’t believe that it is ‘inalienable’, then you regard courtesy as an option rather than as a necessity. For Trump it is an unpracticed option.
For those of faith however, it is a necessity because for them human dignity is derived from God. Hilaire Belloc wrote ‘…the grace of God is courtesy.’ Thankfully, St Francis of Assisi moved beyond the concept that courtesy was the exclusive domain of the court, by understanding that nobility itself was not limited to the aristocracy, but was an inalienable quality of everything willed into creation by God. He contended that it was not rank, title, blood, or privilege, or even virtue itself that made men noble, it was God. Therefore the courtesy of the court was the due of every man (and for Assisi, every creature) as they were all made in the likeness of God, and the respect shown to God was the same respect to be accorded to all the souls who bear his image, and exist under his benevolence.
Thankfully, for those who neither trust nor possess ‘faith’, these courtly and spiritual bases for courtesy are certainly far from exclusionary. The very essence of humanist ideology is that we need look no further than each other to see the inherent dignity of every man and woman. And therefore, in a self-evident, undeniable, and simple logic, each person is due courtesy as the result of their being. Their very existence commands it.
In this humanist vein, similar to Sponville, many social scientists assign priority to courtesy. While other virtues are closely related to it, such as those mentioned earlier as being under its cover – decency, respect, comportment, etc., even others are dependent upon the atmosphere, the milieu, that it offers as a safe haven for development and retreat. But it could also be regarded as first in some schematics because it comes first in human development.
How quickly children are taught ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’. The underlying philosophical explanations and arguments for the parental teachings are not only unnecessary, they would lessen the authority of the lesson. ‘These are the rules, and they are followed in this house.’ This is usually all the discussion needed for anything before pre-adolescence. Lectures on thankfulness, gratitude, temperance, generosity, or any of the other virtues that more closely adhere to morality are lost on a child. But as any child develops, boundaries are established: right and wrong; good and bad; nice and naughty. This is nothing more than moral development or human training if the child is lucky to have parents who accept and undertake such responsibilities. One wonders what ‘hierarchy of values’ was established in the Trump household – either the one he grew up in, or the one he has overseen. In evolved households, some things are done, others absolutely not. The rules practiced to develop character: Share with others? Yes. Steal? No. Wait your turn? Yes. Tell the truth? Yes. Lie? No. In the Trump household, all of those questions were met with different answers. In this ‘first order’ sense, the rules of courtesy are transferred, and the understanding of courtesy gained (or missed) long before the morality that undergirds them is rightfully understood.
It is in this sense that it might be conceded that courtesy is not a virtue, but rather set of societal norms, and therefore they can be practiced outside the strictures of the other virtues. If a plantation holder in Virginia or the Carolinas regularly said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to his slaves, it is politeness, but it hardly forgives or makes up for the inhumane indignity of the institution. A James Bond movie villain is still a villain even if he holds the door for his girlfriend. Courtesy is not an excuse for immorality or unethical behavior. Interrupting an interview by repeatedly saying: ‘Scuse me, ‘scuse me,’ and then proceeding with insensitive, crude, rudeness is not only outside ‘societal norms’, it is a disqualifier for courtesy.
In those ‘societal norms. the term ‘common courtesy’ is often employed, but its intention not so recognizably exercised. Courtesy today seems more a marketing term than a virtue; or so one could justifiably deduce from its application to every commercial opportunity available. To wit: we are loaned a courtesy car from the dealership; we use a courtesy phone in a hotel lobby; doctors make courtesy calls; front walkways are lit by courtesy lights; and we pick up theater tickets at courtesy windows. No wonder we have forgotten not only its meaning, but its value as well. This reduction of a virtue to its most base applications contradicts its purpose, and is troubling for any society. This alerts us to the potential hypocrisy found here, which again reverts back to the shallow nature of courtly courtesy. From Trump’s childhood days, this translucent thinness can be seen in the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ character Eddie Haskell. He is fawningly courteous to Mrs. Cleaver in person, and a lout behind her back. How much the Trump personality parallels the disingenuous Haskell. If it is nothing more than a shallow pretense, an act if you will, then the virtue has been squandered, its value to the very purpose of its practice, lost. Our politics, and indeed world, worse off, rather than better served. So, how to move forward?
From ourselves, from our fellow citizens, and from our leaders, we need to recognize that even the smallest of kindnesses, the most simple of gestures, the most common acts of thoughtfulness, the recognizably sincere expressions of thankfulness and gratitude, will add to creating that more gentle world that Aeschylus promoted over two thousand years ago, when he urged us to ‘tame the savageness of man’. The same ‘kinder, gentler world’ that President George H.W. Bush yearned for two thousand years later. Some things, evidently, take time. We also need to acknowledge, worry, and fear that the absence of these efforts will lead to a courser, less civil society. To recognize only the flaws and imperfections in others, to exploit those flaws, to ridicule those imperfections, is to invite, exacerbate, and condone incivility in others. This is the legacy of Trump and his supporters. Regularly and incessantly both he and they demean, insult, and belittle others, calling them by crass and denigrating nicknames, disparaging their intellects, their looks, their physical and emotional characteristics. This is not the virtue of courtesy, but the vice of disdain. And disdain should be the death knell for any political leader who showers it upon any of the governed. In an authentic democracy, the governed need not respect you, they need not display the fealty of the feudal court. They will make their opinion clear at the ballot box. But you, as an elected representative, dang skippy better show them some courtesy, or they will be justified in quickly showing you the path back to private life. This is part of Trump’s methodology – rid the society of courtesy based upon common human respect, and you are on the path to authoritarianism replacing democracy.
In a representative democracy it is essential that the primary expression of courtesy flow from the leader to the governed, because the power to govern has been freely, and only temporarily, given in the opposite direction. And the courtesy demonstrated by all the people, especially leaders, will be recognizable by the freedom and room it gives each one of us to be imperfect. It will seek out not the flaws, but the inherent goodness within each of us, and let us know that it is valued. It will be recognizable because it will be reluctant to talk about one’s own qualities, however laudable they may be, for fear of anyone else feeling less significant in their own dignity. This is psychologically and emotionally impossible for Trump. Authentic courtesy seeks to help carry the burden rather than pass it on with blame and disrespect. Both shunning the burden and looking to blame others, are essential to Trump’s very existence; he is incapable of courtesy.
In a truly great America, courtesy, as practiced by not only its citizens but also exhibited by its leaders, will be recognizable by its affability, its cordiality, and its efforts to achieve comity. And those who display this virtue will be recognizable most of all as being gentle in manner, tolerant in temper, civil in behavior, humane in mood, open-hearted in outlook, and comprehending in vision.
In the end, perhaps courtesy, as nothing more and nothing less than incalculable power of human kindness, was never more perfectly expressed than in the words of Saint Therese of Lisieux: “A kind word or a pleasing smile is often enough to raise up a saddened and wounded soul.”
God knows, and we must recognize, we all need that now.
And with that in mind, we will vote.