Oy. What a stressful week. I thought it would never end, and it almost did not. Its not been a good week for me so I thought perhaps a joke or three would help spread some humor and joy.
Please add some of your favorites!
I, as a Behaviorist, will start with a particular favorite of mine, an oldie but a goodie. :)
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Mel Gibson’s Father Convinces Jews to Give Up World Domination
Bowing to intense pressure from Mel Gibson’s father, Jews announced today that they would no longer control the world. In a press release Jews stated, “Although we have thoroughly enjoyed the challenges of world domination for the last 500 years, we feel it is time for gentiles to take control of their own affairs. We plan to spend more time with our families and pursue other interests.”
Hutton Gibson stated that he was pleased with the announcement, but expressed concern he was losing a scapegoat for all his problems. He said he would be launching a search for a new minority group to demonize.
Many Jews expressed relief that they could give up burdensome responsibilities. Retired accountant Jerry Friedman, who controls media in Montana, said “I would just as well let the citizens of Montana manage their own TV and newspapers. Don’t get me wrong, Montana is a fine state, but it gets awfully cold and there’s nowhere to get a bagel.”
Attorney Allen Franks said he’s glad he no longer has to manage Bulgarian monetary policy. “It was getting to be quite a hassle,” he said. “I already have a full-time job and can’t even balance my own checkbook, let alone control the finances of an entire nation.”
Homemaker Judith Levine said she would “…miss the hustle and bustle of setting the international price of magnesium every day” and with all her free time, now says “We’re going to party like you wouldn’t believe.”
Hollywood producer Sidney Greenbaum was pessimistic about the announcement. “Do you really think goyim know how to make movies?” he asked. “They’ll all end up being high budget Technicolor snuff flicks if you leave it up to Mel and his kind.”
Comedy experts expressed concern that the business would suffer if Jews suddenly withdrew. According to one insider, “Take away all the Jewish comics and writers and all you’ll have is left is Carrot Top. That’s not a world I want to live in.”
A potluck dinner in honor of Jews’ contributions to mankind will be held at the Hoboken Holiday Inn on April 3. All gentiles are welcome to attend. Participants will be encouraged to share an offensive Jewish joke.