Am I the asshole here?
I like to have a drink now and then. Rarely more than two drinks a week, usually with a meal.
Two days ago I posted this quote on my Facebook feed:
"Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeaux makes you talk about them, and Champagne makes you do them."
Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
Bear with me.
Mrs. ruleoflaw and I have an extended family member. To preserve her privacy, I will call her “Betty”.
Betty is in her 30’s and has lived a very hard life. Nobody was really surprised when she turned to alcohol, meth and illegally acquired prescription pain medications. She has been in and out of Jail several times. Her probation officer is a fixture in her life when he can find her. She doesn’t have custody of her preschool aged daughter (let’s call her Baby). Betty is largely estranged from her father. I don’t know how close she is with her mother. One by one, sympathetic relatives and friends fall away from her, repelled by the addiction-based mayhem she leaves in her wake. She has been through detox. It didn’t stick.
Betty has a habit of turning up intoxicated for unannounced visits with her immediate family.
These surprise visits are almost invariably accompanied by requests for money and sometimes lodging. When she calls ahead, it is often between bar-time and sunrise. The most predictable thing about her behavior is that it is always unpredictable and occasionally violent.
Up until now, Mrs ruleoflaw and I have steered clear of the chaos that is Betty.
I don’t know who Betty may be living or hanging out with. Baby’s Father(Let’s call him Bobby.) has lived with her on and off. He’s got his own substance abuse problems, admits to them and wants to stay out of jail. To the best of my knowledge, Baby lives with Bobby’s mom. Remaining in contact with Betty presents risks to Bobby’s wobbly sobriety and freedom. If I were forced to trust either Betty or Bobby, I would cross my fingers and pick Bobby. That is a choice I hope I never have to make.
With that preface, let’s turn to this morning’s Facebook post, where the following comment appeared:
i visit you?
My reply on a private message:
Hi Betty,
We saw your comment about coming to visit. You may already know that ruleoflaw had a kidney transplant last year. He is doing fine now, fully healed, pain free. To prevent his body from rejecting the new organ, we have to be extremely careful about exposure to infections. We can't have close contact indoors with lots of people. We can't have guests in our home. We hope you and your daughter are well.
Love,
Uncle ruleoflaw and Aunt Mrs ruleoflaw
She relied to my message:
thanks, hope all is well with you guys as well
My fears about infection are legit. No question of that, however convenient.
My fears that Betty would like to peek into my medicine cabinet are also legit.
There is an outside chance that Bobby and perhaps Baby might show up with her.
My wife and I are newly retired. When I said I am, “fully healed, pain free.” I hope she took the hint that there is no oxy in my medicine cabinet. I don’t know if the wine drinking reference in the Facebook post piqued her interest. The post was already two days old when she commented on it. In her childhood people who should have been looking out for Betty hurt her badly. Mrs. ruleoflaw and I were in no position to intervene then. It was painful to watch her grow into a deeply damaged adult. Helping her past her present demons is way above my pay grade.
Would it be horribly co-dependent of me to maintain anything more than an arms-length relationship with Betty?
There have been times in my life when I behaved like an asshole. Is this one of those occasions?
Am I the asshole here?