(Chapter Four in the Mayor Gunfumble Farce)
Where, oh where, is Mayor Gunfumble?
The final ballot count is in! The mayor is speechless! But, uh, that is only because the mayor is also...uh...invisible at the moment. He has been for several days. Reporters and residents alike are wondering where Timothy “Madcap” Michalek is, and what he is doing. You see, they have a few questions.
Ever since the story broke that Madcap Michalek was facing possible misdemeanor charges for carrying a concealed firearm in the Washington County Public Safety Building, a violation of state law, the only indication of his whereabouts was the “Tornado Warning” siren on the tower near the high school.
That was actually a good sign. Upon hearing the “All-Clear” tone, Hartford residents breathed a sigh of relief. Madcap was either fumbling his gun in the safety of his fallout shelter, accidentally executing cans of SpaghettiOs laid by for the apocalypse, or he was outside city limits and merely terrorizing outlanders. Commerce and leisure could resume at near-normal levels. It was, once again, safe to shop, safe to take children to city parks, safe to stroll the neighborhoods, safe to invite the neighbors over for a barbecue, safe to attend the worship service of their choice.
You see, the Mayor's whereabouts have become a public safety issue. And so, to increase public safety, residents can now visit the City of Hartford website, view a map of the city, and check for the telltale icon that let's them know “Madcap Michalek is on the move!” Just look for the bouncing red Beretta!
An emergency upgrade to this Public Safety App now features a set of concentric circles around the bouncing red Beretta. These rings help residents determine the degree of danger they will face should some dire need arise that compels them to venture into the vicinity of their gun-fumbling mayor. And yes, sometimes it might be unavoidable. You might have an emergency dental appointment, or need to pick up more body armor at Ace Hardware.
For convenience, the three circular zones on the App are labeled, outermost to innermost, “Outpatient”, “Inpatient” and “Kill Zone.”
With the recent misdemeanor charges came the baffling revelation that a public servant, the mayor, no less, was a roving, bumble-fingered fan of Russian Roulette. Where will he fumble his gun next? And how could a public servant not know that a Public Safety Building is off-limits to gunslingers?
Now it must be said that the only way the County Sheriff even discovered Michalek was in violation is that Mayor Gunfumble confessed. Or rather, his gun did. Yup. When Madcap Michalek secreted his slippery sidearm into the Washington County Public Safety Building...
….Oh, go ahead and guess!!!
“Ooooops! DOOOOOHHH!” Yes! Madcap made his signature move, the unforced fumble! Down it went with a thump, like it has so many times before. You read that right. So. Many. Times. Before.
This is a cry for attention. This is a cry for help. It comes straight from the Id. And let's be clear, Madcap loves attention. He loves to imagine himself as someone important. He likes to be seen. Come Sunday morning, you’ll find Madcap in a pew at the front of St. Kilian's, singing a bit too loud, his glance darting left and right to see if he is being seen. But wait! Did you just hear a “thump” in the House of the Lord?
Hartford's ostentatiously pious punchinello is now, curiously, avoiding the public spotlight. Why is that? Why is he suddenly so inaccessible to the people he works for, whose interests he represents, whose safety he supposedly cherishes? “Where,” asks a gun-wary public, “Is Mayor Misdemeanor?”
Is he locked in his basement armory, Super-Gluing his holster to his belt? Is he rehearsing righteous indignation for his performance at Tuesday's Common Council meeting, ready to repeat his line-in-the-sand lunacy, delivered at a Common Council meeting some years back, that he has a right to pack heat so that he can “send someone to Jesus before someone sends him to Jesus!”
Let's add a new honorific to the list: Mayor Melodrama.
And let's remember this gun fumble wasn't a one-off event. Nor was it, say, a walking quorum, worthy of a slap on the wrist and a sentence as serious as being required to watch a video on how to conduct a public meeting. No. When it comes to gun juggling, Madcap is a serial fumbler. You might say he is a repeat offender.
Last Tuesday, Madcap was re-elected mayor of Hartford. He got 1,176 votes. He was running unopposed until his slippery sidearm betrayed him in the County Public Safety Building. Five write-in candidates suddenly materialized. Their combined vote total was 1,632 votes. That number shows a majority of Hartford voters opposed another term for Mayor Gunfumble.
The last thing that Mapcap's ego can claim is a mandate to govern. Second place opponent Joe Dautermann received 832 votes. Had slightly fewer than 400 Hartford voters chosen Dautermann over one of the other write-in candidates, the city would have bid adieu to Mayor Man-Child, and welcomed an actual adult to take the oath of office in his place. And the city would have become a safer place to live.
At Tuesday's Common Council meeting, concerned citizens can say, “Mayor Gunfumble, your Concealed Carry Permit expired in November of 2021. Please provide the taxpayers and residents of Hartford, and those of Washington County, with a complete list of the places into which you have carried your firearm since that permit expired. Because accountability. Because public safety. Because no one is above the law.”